Lady: What are you doing today?
Man: Nothing.
Lady, suddenly excited: By the way, do you do laundry?
Man: Yeah, why?
Lady: Well, I never heard you talking about doing your laundry before.
Man: Okay… Why would I want to talk about doing my laundry? [Rolls his eyes.]Lady, embarrassed: I hate when you’re right.
–D train
Overheard by: Ana
Spanish chick #1: He look good. You think you gonna give him your number?
Spanish chick #2: Nuh-uh. Not with his teeth lookin’ like he been eatin’ rocks.
–E train
Overheard by: JK
Fat lady: Whew! Hey, I think I just found the love of my life! The subway conductor! [People smile.] Wooo! He’s got a nice package! [People look away.] I tell ya, one night with him — you’ll never forget it! Where are we? Is this 34th? Look out! Clear the way! Wide load comin’ through! Have a wonderful day! [She exits, then screeches from the platform as train moves away] I love youuu!
–R train
Drunk girl #1: So, why did you spit on her?
Drunk girl #2: I don’t know. Oh my god, I spit on her?
Drunk girl #1: Oh my god, you don’t remember?
Drunk girl #2: Hahaha, shit! Well, she must have deserved it. What’d she do?
Drunk girl #1: I don’t know. You said she was looking at your man.
Drunk girl #2: Well, fuck, then she deserved it. Where is she? I’ll spit on her again!
Sober girl: You just got on the train. You spit on me and I’ll fucking kill you.
–1 train
Little girl: You’re the most beautiful girl in the whole world! [Mom smiles.] You are.
Mom: I think you’re the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
Little girl: Only to you.
Mom, holding up girl’s art project: Actually, I think she’s the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
Little girl: No! She’s a princess bird-fish!
–F train
Overheard by: Actually, I’M the most beautiful girl in the world
Girl #1, sniffing: Do you smell maple syrup?
Girl #2: You mean that urine stench?
Girl #1: Oh, I guess that’s it.
–A train, 96th St
Hobo lying on floor: … And, I mean, what about slaves? You people owned my people!
Newly boarded teen: Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I’m selling can–
Hobo lying on floor: –Fuck you! You just want money! You fucking want money, you little shit! You’re a traitor to your race, you fuck!
–Brooklyn-bound A train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Sketchy dude #1: So, what you do is you buy crack, and then you tell the cops where you got the crack, and then you get to keep the crack!
Sketchy dude #2: And what’s that called again?
Sketchy dude #1: Court informer.
Sketchy dude #2: Yeah, court informer. I’m gonna be that!
–A train
Overheard by: Jon
Guido #1: I’m telekinetic. So are you. We all are!
Guido #2: What are you talking about?
Guido #1: Think about it! Look, I’m lifting my arm. What’s moving my arm?
Guido #2: Kinetic impulses to your muscles… Your brain.
Guido #1: Ah, but what’s telling my brain to lift my arm?
Guido #2: Your mother.
–7 train
Overheard by: Hipster #3
Chick: You have to be really careful nowadays downloading things online.
Dude: Amber, I have been downloading porn since I was 11. I think I know what I’m doing…
–F train
