Fat, middle-aged female crossing guard: Every time I do that I shit the bed.
–29th St & 30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: JimmyJohn
Guy: I’ve pissed the bed before. Hell, [gesturing towards girl] I’ve pissed on her!
–48th & 8th
Fat, middle-aged female crossing guard: Every time I do that I shit the bed.
–29th St & 30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: JimmyJohn
Guy: I’ve pissed the bed before. Hell, [gesturing towards girl] I’ve pissed on her!
–48th & 8th
Little girl on bathroom line: Mommy, let’s go in that one.
She points to the men’s room
Mother: No honey, that one is for boys. You can’t go in there until you’re 25 and at a bar and you really have to go.
–Panorama, 85th and 2nd
Headline by: Michael Johns
Runners-Up:
· “Hoochie-mama Knows Best” – senzanome
· “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” – William Levy
· “Daddy Always Lets Me” – David Kafrissen
· “Drew Barrymore at the E.T. Wrap Party” – Marc
· “Old enough to pee, good enough for me” – Big Jacobi
· “Ah, the natural desire to return to your place of conception” – MarcusJ
· “Mind Your Pees And Queues” – Dave Barnette
· “This life lesson brought to you by Bacardi” – RyRy
Honorable mentions:
· “…. And he’s really good looking, or he has coke” – Ryan
· “It’s also OK if you’re dragged” – Steve Estes
· “Don’t forget to put the seat back up when you’re done.” – Deek
· “Therapist session (retroactive)” – noa
· “Passing the Torch” – Jessy B
· “Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarden” – M. Walker
· “Barfly: Generations” – Derek L.
· “Paris Hilton’s First, And Last, Babysitting Gig” – John P.
· “Never To Early To Have Penis Envy” – Brian Drew
· “Void Where Prohibited” – Dave Barnette
· “Or completely out of money” – Natalie
· “How to raise a winner” – Adina C
· “Because that’s how you’ll get respect, honey” – Amanda
Guy #1: Yeah, she wouldn’t shut up so I peed on her.
Guy #2: Just what I would have done, bro.
–Central Park
Drunk guy: What is this, some sort of sausage fest in here or something?
–The Park men’s room, 10th Avenue
Girl #1: Ew, that horse is peeing.
Girl #2: Dude…that is a shitload of pee.
–Central Park South & 5th
Overheard by: samuel
Tween girl #1: Oh my god! They, like, totally have TVs in the bathrooms here!
Tween girl #2: Oh my god! You can so watch TV while you are peeing or whatever.
Tween girl #3: Except it’s only, like, sports and stuff.
Tween girl #1: Yeah, I don’t really like sports. Except cheerleading. Is that sports?
–ESPN Zone, 42nd & Broadway
Guy #1: So my daughter saw me peeing the other day and says, “Daddy, what’s that?” And I say, “Penis.” And she’s like, “Peanuts?” And I’m like, “No, penis!” And she’s like, “Peanuts!” And I’m like,
“pe-nis!” And she’s like, “pea-nuts!”
Guy #2: Why are you holding your arms out when you say “penis”?
–Heartland Brewery, 6th Avenue
Overheard by: GeeGoo
Guy #1: Tell em’ what I did.
Guy #2: Pissed on her.
Guy #1: I pissed on her face while she was sleeping!
–Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: Kate C.
NYU chick: What are these stupid, weird underpants you put on me?
West Indian nurse lady: They’re called diapers. You lost control of yourself when you passed out.
–Beth Israel Emergency Room, 1st Avenue
Father: You wanna go pee-pee here?
Son: No!
Father: C’mon, I’ll hold you up, you can go in the trash can.
Son: No! I don’t wanna, they can see!
Father: Who? Oh, don’t worry, it’s not Sunday.
–84th & Park
Overheard by: Gabriel Lombardi