Pee

Guy on cell: My doctor told me if you piss right after sex, you can’t get STDs…Yeah, I do it all the time.

–Suffolk & Rivington

Overheard by: John

Loud teen girl: Wait, you had a dream that you had AIDS? That I had AIDS? Fuck you, man.

–Brighton Beach, Brooklyn

Chick on cell: I know it’s sick, but I’m so excited that I can have unsafe sex now!

–23rd Street & Broadway

Overheard by: Becka Dash

Concerned citizen: Excuse me, I don’t know if this is a trans-generational or New York metropolitan faux pas, but you should really tell your friend, girlfriend, lady friend or whatever that one in every four persons in America has herpes.

–sushi restaurant, 1st Ave

Overheard by: Caitlyn

Guy #1: It’s never too early for public urination.
Guy #2: Didn’t you get a ticket for that once?
Guy #1: Yeah, but that was on the subway.

–11th & Ave A

Overheard by: luilya

Fat, middle-aged female crossing guard: Every time I do that I shit the bed.

–29th St & 30th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: JimmyJohn

Guy: I’ve pissed the bed before. Hell, [gesturing towards girl] I’ve pissed on her!

–48th & 8th

Little girl on bathroom line: Mommy, let’s go in that one.
She points to the men’s room
Mother: No honey, that one is for boys. You can’t go in there until you’re 25 and at a bar and you really have to go.

–Panorama, 85th and 2nd

Headline by: Michael Johns

Runners-Up:

· “Hoochie-mama Knows Best” – senzanome

· “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” – William Levy

· “Daddy Always Lets Me” – David Kafrissen

· “Drew Barrymore at the E.T. Wrap Party” – Marc

· “Old enough to pee, good enough for me” – Big Jacobi

· “Ah, the natural desire to return to your place of conception” – MarcusJ

· “Mind Your Pees And Queues” – Dave Barnette

· “This life lesson brought to you by Bacardi” – RyRy

Honorable mentions:

· “…. And he’s really good looking, or he has coke” – Ryan

· “It’s also OK if you’re dragged” – Steve Estes

· “Don’t forget to put the seat back up when you’re done.” – Deek

· “Therapist session (retroactive)” – noa

· “Passing the Torch” – Jessy B

· “Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarden” – M. Walker

· “Barfly: Generations” – Derek L.

· “Paris Hilton’s First, And Last, Babysitting Gig” – John P.

· “Never To Early To Have Penis Envy” – Brian Drew

· “Void Where Prohibited” – Dave Barnette

· “Or completely out of money” – Natalie

· “How to raise a winner” – Adina C

· “Because that’s how you’ll get respect, honey” – Amanda

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Guy #1: Yeah, she wouldn’t shut up so I peed on her.
Guy #2: Just what I would have done, bro.

–Central Park

Drunk guy: What is this, some sort of sausage fest in here or something?

–The Park men’s room, 10th Avenue

Girl #1: Ew, that horse is peeing.
Girl #2: Dude…that is a shitload of pee.

–Central Park South & 5th

Overheard by: samuel

Tween girl #1: Oh my god! They, like, totally have TVs in the bathrooms here!
Tween girl #2: Oh my god! You can so watch TV while you are peeing or whatever.
Tween girl #3: Except it’s only, like, sports and stuff.
Tween girl #1: Yeah, I don’t really like sports. Except cheerleading. Is that sports?

–ESPN Zone, 42nd & Broadway

Guy #1: So my daughter saw me peeing the other day and says, “Daddy, what’s that?” And I say, “Penis.” And she’s like, “Peanuts?” And I’m like, “No, penis!” And she’s like, “Peanuts!” And I’m like,
pe-nis!” And she’s like, “pea-nuts!”
Guy #2: Why are you holding your arms out when you say “penis”?

–Heartland Brewery, 6th Avenue

Overheard by: GeeGoo

Guy #1: Tell em’ what I did.
Guy #2: Pissed on her.
Guy #1: I pissed on her face while she was sleeping!

–Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: Kate C.