Pee

Fat, middle-aged female crossing guard: Every time I do that I shit the bed.

–29th St & 30th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: JimmyJohn

Guy: I’ve pissed the bed before. Hell, [gesturing towards girl] I’ve pissed on her!

–48th & 8th

Little girl on bathroom line: Mommy, let’s go in that one.
She points to the men’s room
Mother: No honey, that one is for boys. You can’t go in there until you’re 25 and at a bar and you really have to go.

–Panorama, 85th and 2nd

Headline by: Michael Johns

Runners-Up:

· “Hoochie-mama Knows Best” – senzanome

· “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” – William Levy

· “Daddy Always Lets Me” – David Kafrissen

· “Drew Barrymore at the E.T. Wrap Party” – Marc

· “Old enough to pee, good enough for me” – Big Jacobi

· “Ah, the natural desire to return to your place of conception” – MarcusJ

· “Mind Your Pees And Queues” – Dave Barnette

· “This life lesson brought to you by Bacardi” – RyRy

Honorable mentions:

· “…. And he’s really good looking, or he has coke” – Ryan

· “It’s also OK if you’re dragged” – Steve Estes

· “Don’t forget to put the seat back up when you’re done.” – Deek

· “Therapist session (retroactive)” – noa

· “Passing the Torch” – Jessy B

· “Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarden” – M. Walker

· “Barfly: Generations” – Derek L.

· “Paris Hilton’s First, And Last, Babysitting Gig” – John P.

· “Never To Early To Have Penis Envy” – Brian Drew

· “Void Where Prohibited” – Dave Barnette

· “Or completely out of money” – Natalie

· “How to raise a winner” – Adina C

· “Because that’s how you’ll get respect, honey” – Amanda

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Guy #1: Yeah, she wouldn’t shut up so I peed on her.
Guy #2: Just what I would have done, bro.

–Central Park

Drunk guy: What is this, some sort of sausage fest in here or something?

–The Park men’s room, 10th Avenue

Girl #1: Ew, that horse is peeing.
Girl #2: Dude…that is a shitload of pee.

–Central Park South & 5th

Overheard by: samuel

Tween girl #1: Oh my god! They, like, totally have TVs in the bathrooms here!
Tween girl #2: Oh my god! You can so watch TV while you are peeing or whatever.
Tween girl #3: Except it’s only, like, sports and stuff.
Tween girl #1: Yeah, I don’t really like sports. Except cheerleading. Is that sports?

–ESPN Zone, 42nd & Broadway

Guy #1: So my daughter saw me peeing the other day and says, “Daddy, what’s that?” And I say, “Penis.” And she’s like, “Peanuts?” And I’m like, “No, penis!” And she’s like, “Peanuts!” And I’m like,
pe-nis!” And she’s like, “pea-nuts!”
Guy #2: Why are you holding your arms out when you say “penis”?

–Heartland Brewery, 6th Avenue

Overheard by: GeeGoo

Guy #1: Tell em’ what I did.
Guy #2: Pissed on her.
Guy #1: I pissed on her face while she was sleeping!

–Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: Kate C.

NYU chick: What are these stupid, weird underpants you put on me?
West Indian nurse lady: They’re called diapers. You lost control of yourself when you passed out.

–Beth Israel Emergency Room, 1st Avenue

Father: You wanna go pee-pee here?
Son: No!
Father: C’mon, I’ll hold you up, you can go in the trash can.
Son: No! I don’t wanna, they can see!
Father: Who? Oh, don’t worry, it’s not Sunday.

–84th & Park

Overheard by: Gabriel Lombardi