Prostitution

It’s a Nice Haircut, Too

Chick: Good-bye [departs train].
Guy #1: Good-bye.
Guy #2: Eddie*, your sister is really pretty.
Guy #3: Don’t call her that — ‘pretty’ is something you say about nice girls, not whores like that.
Eddie: What are you talking about?
Guy #3: Ed, don’t take it out on me, but at Dave’s birthday party your sister was in the bedroom working for 10 dollars.
Eddie: … I’m gonna kill Dave. Why didn’t you tell me about this?!
Guy #3: Because she was right there! [Silence, then Eddie departs.]Guy #2: 10 dollars? What’s her phone number? I’ve got 10 dollars.
Guy #3: I know, best 10 bucks I ever spent.

–D train

And Try to Ignore Their Faces

Drunk guy #1: Remember, this train is going to be full of pickpockets, so remember their faces.
Drunk girl: And hookers! It’ll be full of hookers, too!
Drunk guy #2: Nice! So, we should find out how much!

–4 train platform, 161st St

Overheard by: sooooo, how much?

The Chick in the Leopard-Print Thong Was a Separate Gift from My Dad

Guy #1: Taking family members on a sex safari is not a good idea.
Guy #2: It was hardly a sex safari, idiot. I just took my brother to a massage parlor.

–Broadway & Canal

I’ve Sucked Those Toes, So I Know!

Chick: Look, I didn’t paint my toenails red after you made that comment.
Guy: Good, because the only girls who do that are selling their ass on the street.

–14th St & 7th Ave

‘Hoe-Hoe Happy Meals’ Featuring Adult Toys Gave McDonald’s Considerable Market Penetration

Ghetto man: A groopie ain’t nothin’ but a high-class ho.
Ghetto woman: Please, a groopie is a ho with standards.
Ghetto man: Whatever, a groopie’s no different than a prostitute. But I respect a prostitute ’cause she don’t keep it a secret. A prostitute will fuck you for a happy meal. A happy meal! Not even a value meal!
Ghetto woman: Well, maybe all she wants is a happy meal.
Ghetto man: Yeah, for the toy!

–Grand Army Plaza subway station, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Didn’t Listen to Nancy Reagan

Black guy on cell: Yea! Yea! He just called me up. I was like, "Yo, stop callin me up"… Yea!…. Yea my sister’s on crack!

–Houston & Essex

Overheard by: saywhat?

Suit: Well, I’m a drug dealer, so I have a phone for each kind: a pot phone, a coke phone, you know…

–R train

Queer on cell: Oh my God. I left the check at home. I am such a fucking idiot. I am such a FUCKING idiot! Yeah, I’ll be there at six. Ok. I’ll bring you E and orange juice.

–Bank of America, 6th Ave

Overheard by: CarrieBoo

Bum: Hey… can you spare me $20 dollars, so I can buy some crack cocaine? I mean, I’ll share it with you. I have enough for a 10 but I want a chicken head to slob on my knob while I take a hit…

–96th St Subway Station 1,2,3

Overheard by: Franco

Smooth talker: So my ex-girlfriend was a blonde Long Islander cokehead and now here I am with you. So you can see this is a real step down.

–Les Enfants Terrible, Canal & Ludlow

Overheard by: wants to meet the ex

Hipster: You OD’d? WHERE?

–14th & 6th

Bitter ex: And fuck him and his fuckin’ wooden leg that I didn’t even know he sold crack out of!

–80th & 3rd

Disgusted hipster: I mean, I only do drugs as a joke!

–14th St L station

Overheard by: Em

Just You, Me, And Your First Customer

Girl: But I don’t wanna be a geisha.
Mother: We’ll talk about it when we get home.

–55th between 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Chris Evans

Wednesday One-Liners Need to Go to the Free Clinic

Woman on cell: Wait, but he still has malaria, right?…Good. Go on.

–Grove & 7th

Overheard by: courtney clinton

Frat boy: Wow! Herpes for a dollar; that sounds like a good deal!

–108th & Broadway

Overheard by: Alison R.

Amateur historian: You know what was bad? Black Plague was bad.

–Toast, Lafayette St

Overheard by: Chris

Faux-Boho gal: And he said, “I don’t understand how I have STDs and you don’t.”

–N train

Overheard by: Kelly Green

Gay waiter: I’ll have to sterilize it and then burn it or it might give the fire an infection.

–SoHo

MTA employee: So I had a touch of pneumonia, and they had to remove part of my lung. I was coughing up Jello…But it was clear, so it was okay!

–Q train, Newkirk Ave

Overheard by: Ben Couch

Hobette: Excuse me, ladies and gentleman, I’m hungry and I’m homeless. If you could please spare some money or some food, I’d appreciate it. Oh, and I have cancer. Have a nice day.

–Downtown R train

Overheard by: Kat

Wednesday One-Liners Thought Douching With Vinegar Would Help

Biker lady: You think I have syphilis? Hah!

–Hudson River running path, 38th St

Overheard by: lukejoy

Girl on cell: I know! She was, like, so defensive about it! Like, “So he impregnated me; at least I didn’t get herpes.” I was like, “Honey, is that really a fair trade?”

–A train

Overheard by: claire

Ghetto teen: You know, like 90 percent of all people have herpes. That’s like 1 in every 3 people.

–Suffolk & Rivington

Girl: I know, when I first got chlamydia, I didn’t know who to turn to. Luckily I got it from my doctor.

–45th & 5th

Overheard by: Jerringo Nationpess

Old lady, during a Clerks II scene dealing with “ass to mouth,” to old man: That’s how you get E. coli!

–Movie theater, 86th & 3rd

Overheard by: katey

Queer on cell: I’m not saying he’s a nasty faggot. I’m just saying he has HIV.

–5th Ave between 4th and 5th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Gus

Guy on cell: So I went to Amsterdam and got a handjob from a hooker, and I thought I had HIV for, like, two years…Yeah, I’m a pretty weird guy.

–Whole Foods, Chelsea

He’s Been Training

Suit #1: I’ve never had a hooker before.
Suit #2: Neither have I but I feel ready now.

–Bleecker & Grove

Overheard by: ED Aston

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