Queers

She Worked the INS in McDonaldland

Crazy lady: Yo! Uh…man!
Hot dog guy: Yes?
Crazy lady: Why aren’t you serving me?
Hot dog guy: I just placed your order, ma’am.
Crazy lady: Well I used to work in immigration, so you best be doing that shit quick like right? Shit, I was immigration, okay? I know people, all right?
Hot dog guy: Like who?
Queer: Kenneth Cole?
Crazy lady: No! I know Diedre. Now don’t be playing these crazy mindgames with me! I’m prepared. I have a gun.
Hot dog guy: That’s very nice. That’ll be 5.98 total, ma’am.
Crazy lady: Fuck you. I’m gone now. You can’t see me!
Queer: Faggot, just go away.

–Papaya King, 86th & 3rd

Overheard by: Ben Bleiberg

World War II: Hey, what’s up?

Hag: I can’t imagine dropping off my brother at the airport all like, “I’m okay with never seeing you again ’cause you might die in battle.”
Queer: Well, at least he gets a whore.
Hag: What?
Queer: ‘Cause you know they get whores in wars.
Hag: What are you talking about?
Queer: Hello? World War II?

–Olive Garden, Times Square

The Noid Has Gotten Much Subtler

Queer #1: What should I get? I’ll have a falafel. Ha, ha!
Queer #2: I’ll have one of these lamb slices.
Pizza guy: Eggplant.
Queer #2: No, one of these.
Pizza guy: That’s eggplant.
Queer #2: Oh…Well, it looked like lamb.
Queer #1: I’m gonna throw caution to the wind and get a cheese slice.
Queer #3: That’s not lamb. Maybe you should ask for a duck confit slice.

–Sal’s, 7th & A

Overheard by: Domi

Chuck E. Cheese Himself Had Syphilis

Queer #1: That used to be a fun place. Remember that backroom? That was a fun backroom!
Queer #2: Are you nuts? It was a nasty firetrap full of gropey old trolls, people came on me without my permission, and I had my wallet stolen!
Queer #1: True.

–20th & 6th

More Like 2-3 Weeks

Queer: But wait, is English a race?
Guy passerby: Holy shit, that’s going on Overheard tomorrow.

–Bleecker & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Guy passerby #2

Attack of the iPod People (NYC Short Stories)

Guy #1: My iPod called me a homo this morning.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: I had it on shuffle and it played a nonstop string of Rent, Oklahoma, Barbara Streisand, Donna Summer and, best of all, Annie: The Musical.
Guy #2: Wow, you said, “Best of all, Annie.” That’s amazingly gay.

–34th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: cityhick

Always Bragging About the Log Cabin

Hobo: Do you have some change for a homeless man?
Suit: Sorry.
Hobo: Fucking faggot!
Suit: I’m a fucking fag with a warm house.

–Brooklyn Heights

Abrasion Might Be a Problem

Girl: Well, as a lesbian, it’s not something I understand…
Guy: You mean, she’s a size queen?
Girl: I didn’t say that…but I don’t get it.
Guy: I don’t get it either. I mean, I’ve slammed into someone’s cervix, and it didn’t look like that was too fun for her.
Girl: Well, I guess you have nothing to worry about.

–Under The Volcano, East 36th Street

“Take my word as truth; telepathy is real!”

Queer #1: Anyway, Rico spent Friday night with that tattooed guy and they were hanging out again last night…Though, when Rico said hello to me, there was a look in his eyes that said, “I’m with this guy for the weekend, sorry, I’d much rather get to know you, but I’ve sorta made my bed now and must lie in it…please wait for me…”
Queer #2: Is this the point where you ask me whether you read too much into things?

–The Roxy, West 18th Street

Back Inside Saint Olaf

Queer #1: Oh, I don’t know which one to try.
Queer #2: Why don’t you scoop them all up and put them in your purse?
Queer #1: I didn’t bring my purse today, Rose.

–Jacob Javits Center

Overheard by: Dawn

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