Man to waiter making tea: Hey, you know how many Mexicans it takes to make iced tea? None! Because you’re not Mexican! Ha!
Waiter: Why would you say that? I am Mexican.
–Mike’s Café, Brooklyn
Man to waiter making tea: Hey, you know how many Mexicans it takes to make iced tea? None! Because you’re not Mexican! Ha!
Waiter: Why would you say that? I am Mexican.
–Mike’s Café, Brooklyn
Queer black man #1: I am stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #2: Mmm-hm.
Queer black man #1: But I am not slow. I never was.
Queer black man #2: You never were.
Queer black man #1: I never was.
Queer black man #2: It’s ‘were. I never were.’ I was an English major.
Queer black man #1: It’s, ‘I never was.’ I went to school. You’re speaking some sort of crazy… some crazy Ebonics language.
Queer black man #2: Bitch, you stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #1: Mmm-hm, that’s right.
–M10 bus, 110th & CPW
Overheard by: A former English minor, weeping.
Girl #1: It’s good I don’t go to a school with fraternities. I’d, like–
Girl #2: –Get drunk and raped?
Girl #1: Exactly!
–Sarah Lawrence College
Overheard by: trying to eat dinner in peace
Bimbette, about little boy in wheelchair: Aw, look at him! He’s got a little hand puppet!
Friend: Actually, that’s a cast.
–Lafayette & East Houston
Overheard by: Kim & Clerr
Girl: You know, I love sushi, but it’s just too much raw fish. And you know how, like, people call pussy raw fish? I guess I’m eating pussy, then? Ha! Would that make me a lesbian?
Friend: You better die.
Girl: Okay, I’ll stop smoking crack now.
–7th & 2nd
Overheard by: Keesha Brown
Girlfriend: I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I just keep falling asleep at the oddest times. I think I may be suffering from necrophilia.
Boyfriend: I sure hope you mean narcolepsy.
Girlfriend: Oh, yeah. I always get those confused.
Boyfriend: Well, as long as it’s only the definitions that you confuse and not the symptoms…
–Grand Central
Girl on cell: Yeah, I’m in New York City… Yeah, it’s on the East coast, but it’s not really on the East coast. It’s not, like, next to water or anything.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Beach Goer
Dude: My god. I mean, everyone knows Broadway and Fifth Avenue are the same thing, and the idiot says no.
–14th & 4th
Overheard by: girl in the red coat
High school boy: So let me ask you this — how easy is it to cross over from Egypt to Mexico?
–3 train
Overheard by: Nick H
School trip escapee teen to pal: Now we can do whatever we want… We’re in Times Square!
–Outside Penn Station, 7th Ave
Overheard by: Go back to Iowa
Tourist chick to friends: LaGuardia? How the fuck did we end up at the fucking airport?
–Houston, at LaGuardia
Drunk girl: We’re totally those 20-something assholes that are drunk on a Tuesday night.
Drunk friend: It’s Wednesday, you dumbass!
Sober friend: Um, it’s Thursday!
–14th & 5th, Park Slope
Station announcer: There is a Brooklyn-bound D-as-in-Double-U train approaching Broadway-Lafayette…
–Broadway-Lafayette platform
Man on cell: A is for fuckin’ apple!
–23rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Zarek
Child punching smaller sibling: A! B! C! D! E! F! G!
–6th Ave, between 8th & 9th St
Lady conductor: This is the Q train. That’s Q, as in ‘quickie…’ Which y’all better not be havin’ on my train!
–Q train to 57th St
Receptionist on phone: Is that Z as in ‘zebra,’ or Z as in ‘xylophone’?
–Doctor’s office, Queens Blvd
Overheard by: Heavy D
Fish guy: Yeah, my dad died of colon cancer in 2001.
Blonde: Oh, how’s he doing?
–Grocery store, Astoria
Overheard by: Dustin
Headline by: Mr. Gee
Runners-Up:
· “‘Great Listener’ Is On Her Resumee” – Denny
· “Decomposing Quite Nicely, Thank You for Asking” – RBNY
· “I’d Say His Condition Is Stable” – Tadzio
· “Rolling Over About Now” – Kaitlen
· “Rotting, No Doubt” – Katy
· “Well, Mom Won’t Share a Bed with Him Anymore.” – Cassie
· “Worst Pick-up, Best Blow-off” – halfknot
