Drugged out gangsta kid #1: I got mad depth perception, yo.
Drugged out gangsta kid #2: Yo, do you know what that means?
Drugged out gangsta kid #1: Yeah, I can see really good out one eye.
Drugged out gangsta kid #2: No, man. Deaf means you can’t hear shit!
–L train platform, Union Square
Tourist #1: What park is this? Where am I?
Tourist #2: It’s Tompkins Square Park.
Tourist #1: Well, I am clearly too good for this park.
Tourist #2: What?
Tourist #1: Seriously, look at these people. I am way too good for this park and these people.
–7th and Ave A
Overheard by: Miss Parker
Tourist: Um, do you live here?
Teen girl: Uh, yeah.
Tourist: Oh, is that the Empire State Building?
Teen girl: You mean the big, pointy building?
Tourist: [nods]Teen girl: What the fuck do you think? [walks away] Fucking tourist.
Tourist: Thank you! [to friend] So, wait, is it the Empire State Building?
–near Union Square
Girl: You’re like McDonald’s: over one billion served!
Guy: So what does that make you: an extra value meal?
–7th & B
Guy #1 (wearing do-rag): You know why I wear this shit, man?
Guy #2: Nah, man, why?
Guy #1: Because I love the stare. I love it when some dumb white guy stares at me and asks why I wear this so I can curse the shit out of that mothafucka!
–14th & 1st
Woman: You know how the Germans continue to punish the Jews? They date them.
–6th St & 2nd Ave
Annoyed friend: Yeah, I like what you did with your hair. Seriously, it’s a nice look for you.
Vain guy: Thanks. You know, I’m always amazed at how a good haircut can drive away the usual enthusiasm for suicide.
Annoyed friend: Hold on. It doesn’t look that good.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Jeremiah
Guy #1: It’s never too early for public urination.
Guy #2: Didn’t you get a ticket for that once?
Guy #1: Yeah, but that was on the subway.
–11th & Ave A
Overheard by: luilya
Drunk white man: Hey, sir. “Knish” is spelled wrong.
Indian cashier: What?
Drunk white man: The food behind the case here. You spelled “knish” wrong, and I’ve told you guys before and it still hasn’t been fixed. Look, buddy, I’ve come in here ten times in the last week. I’ve told three other employees that the spelling is wrong, and next time I come in here it better be spelled right or the Jews are gonna come kill you.
Drunk white man storms out.
Indian cashier: That man is fucking crazy. It’s knish. Is it even spelled wrong?
Woman: No. He just forgot to take his meds and now the Jews are gonna come and kill you. And by “the Jews” he means himself.
–Organic food store, 19th & 3rd
Overheard by: Boo Radley
Metro New York lady: Is your girlfriend coming today?
AM New York man: I ain’t got none of those.
–Union Square
