U.S. Geography

Earth to Wednesday One-Liners, What Is Your Position?

Clerk: Australia… is that here or is that one of those France places?

–Utica and Atlantic, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Keith

JAP: Then we went to Florence, and after that to the seacoast around Genoa, all these little towns — I think it’s called the Geneva Convention.

–Hip coffee shop, 71 Irving Place

JAP: So where exactly is New England? Is it in Europe?

–Duane Reade

Tourist chick, pointing far away: That’s Manhattan, right?

–Observatory, Empire State Building

Overheard by: kaja

Guy to friends: Wait, are you sure we’re not in Boston?

–86th and Park Ave.

Tourist to her family, pointing at City Hall: I’m not sure what that building is, but I’m going to guess it’s the French Embassy.

–Next to the gates outside City Hall

Girl: Mom, where is Viagra Falls?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Delilah

It’s More of a Commune

Guy #1: I mean, who is impressed by knowing all the state capitals? That’s easy. I can name every state capital.
Guy #2: Vermont.
Guy #1: Huh?
Guy #2: What’s the capital of Vermont?
Guy #1: That’s not a state.

–N train

Overheard by: JY

It Never Sleeps, As They Say

Older gentleman: So where is it you’re from?
Young lady: California, near San Francisco.
Older gentleman: Ah, the windy city.

–Elevator at Wall St. Plaza

Overheard by: Just a temp

Eazy E is Spinning in His Grave

Ghetto girl #1: Yo, I been to a lot of ghettos and shit, but I ain’t never goin’ to Compton.
Ghetto girl #2: Mhm. Word, yo.
Suit: NWA, yo. Straight outta Compton!

–6 train, Hunter College station

Overheard by: not going to compton anytime soon

This Was at the Heart of the Dispute Between Edison and Tesla

Queer #1: Ann and Leslie are here.
Queer #2: Shit, are they lesbians?
Queer #1: Yeah.
Queer #2: Uh, I’m a D.C. gay. I don’t hang out with lesbians.

–3rd & B

You Laugh, But This Is How We Decided to Invade Iraq

Guy #1: So are we gonna make out later? I’m going back to LA; we’ll never have to see each other again.
Girl: No, I don’t think so.
Guy #2: Yes! That’s a maybe!

–The Delancey, Delancey between Clinton & Attorney
Headline by: Kane, OKC

Runners-Up:
· “At the Clubs He Goes to, Pepper Spray to the Face Means ‘I Love You'” – Bardley
· “Breaking News: Harsh No/Yes Polarity Outlawed in LA” – LoneRhino
· “Governor Schwarzenegger, Would You Please Take the Stand?” – not a terminator fan.
· “His Glass Is Half Full… Of GHB” – Panthea
· “Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s Final Conversation” – QueenNisha
· “Surprisingly ‘Between Clinton & Attorney’ Only Describes the Location” – matintin
· “Why the ‘Just Say No’ Policy Failed: Men Were Involved” – Mark Manne
· “Women Are from New York, Men Are from LA” – Alika
· “Yeah, and Maybe We’ll Still Find the WMD” – 999er
· “Yes! He’s Probably Sold His Screenplay, Too! Maybe!” – David Terrenoire

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Are All About the Benjamins

Fashionista: I’m not ready for a rich man.

–East Village

Woman: Yeah, he’s got money. Like, when Michael Jackson tried to buy the Elephant Man? That kind of money. Giraffe money!

–Uptown 6 train

3-Year-Old: My daddy makes a lot of money so my mommy and me can live the life we want to live.

–Playground, DUMBO

Overheard by: grimrosary

Salesperson: Yeah, so he was like, “That’s what it means to be rich. I can buy whatever makes me and my fiancé happy. I can buy her all the Harry Potter memorabilia that she wants.”

–Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway

Overheard by: LSB

Wall-Street-Intern chick: So, if the weather is bad here in the Hamptons I may just fly to California or South Beach for the weekend. Hopefully nobody at work will need me because I may have to get a flight on Friday morning. You know, I have to do what’s fiscally feasible for me…and by “me”, I mean my parents.

–D train

Overheard by: I hope she reads this, and then dies…

Male customer to deli worker: Do you know where can I get a fake Rolex with counterfeit money?

–19th & 6th

Overheard by: Hobo Hank

Little girl, talking for a teddy bear with a stocking over its head, to another teddy bear: Give me all your money!

–Goodwill

How Else to Explain All These Kentucky Fried Chicken Franchises?

Man: You know what the tristate area is? New York, New Jersey, and Kentucky.
Woman: What?

–181st & Riverside

Overheard by: Josh H

Nobody Makes You Vomit but Me!

Doctor: What do you mean you vomited? When did you find the time to vomit? I don’t care if you’re in California, get on a plane back here! What do you mean, you vomited? How could you?!

–Lenox Hill Hospital

Overheard by: mademoisellezoo

Just like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson

Man, to driver who has almost hit them: No turns on red, you fucking asshole!
Woman: Calm down. He’s from Virginia–he’s obviously an idiot.

–60th & Madison

Overheard by: Todd Garrin

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