Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Fucking Sorry about Slavery, Okay?

20-ish white girl to friends: Guys, sometimes I just feel like the only white girl in the city…

–Fulton St

Overheard by: other white girls

Hobo peering in from sidewalk: Ain’t nothin’ but white people all up in this motherfucker! This shit is racist, yo!

–Garden of Eden, 107th & Broadway

Overheard by: Bubby

Black girl on cell: He fucked a white girl? He fucked a white girl?! How stupid is he? You know if you fuck a white girl you gotta get her consent and then sign a contract!

–PATH platform

Angry black traveler on cell: Do you know how long it takes me to get to JFK from my place?! I’m surrounded by crackers! I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Here. Crackers all starin’ at me… I dunno what they’re lookin’ at.

–JFK

Overheard by: Not A Cracker But Staring Anyway

Old white guy at Cirque du Soleil show, to daughter: Is this primarily a white thing? I guess that’s why I don’t like this show. I’ve got too much soul for this.

–Madison Square Garden

Drunk black lesbian: I am not racist in any way. I believe that it’s something that’s taught and passed down from your parents. I am not a racist… but what’s up with white people?!

–D train

‘Til Death Do Us Part… Well, for Three Days, Anyway

Hardhat #1: Paddy, you’re Irish Catholic, right?
Hardhat #2: Yeah.
Passerby: Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene.
Hardhat #2: Shut you fuckin’ mouth! I will believe that crock of shit when you show me a marriage certificate.

–Broad St

… The Komodo Dragon, the Jello Stains, the Manslaughter Conviction…

Frat boy: Okay, guys, to recap: We’re not going to tell my parents about getting arrested, the Xanax, my nipples…
Other guys, in unison: Got it.

–Canal & Lafayette

Overheard by: klulita

Married Guy: You Too?

Preppy guy #1: I just don’t see myself getting married anymore.
Preppy guy #2: Yeah, I’ve totally lost the will to live.
Preppy guy #1: You’ve lost the will to live?!
Preppy guy #2: What? No, I meant to say I’ve lost the will to get married… Okay, I’ve lost the will to live.

–Wall St

I Heard about Those During One of My Free Hours in the Exercise Yard

College guy: So, what’s the thing you like least about working here?
Brainwashed programmer: Geez, that’s a hard one. I like just about everything here!
College guy: I see… Have you ever seen the movie Office Space?
Brainwashed programmer: No, I’ve never heard of it. Is that one of those YouTube things?

–Goldman Sachs recruitment lunch, Financial District

Kinda the Point of a “Two Dicks in Your Face” Party

Queer: Remember last night, when you had two dicks in your face?
Black girl: Everyone last night had two dicks in their faces.

–Gold St & Maiden Ln

Overheard by: wreckingcru

Mind If It’s Over Your Lifeless Body?

Confused tourist driver, after traffic cop blocks left turn: But I don’t know this way. Where am I supposed to turn?
Traffic cop: What the hell do I care? You figure it out!

–Church & Duane

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Hobo: I’m Not Really Urinating on Your Foot

Hobo: Do you have a cigarette?
Girl smoking cigarette: This isn’t a cigarette.
Hobo: Oh. [Walks away.]

–Park Row & Beekman

It’s Also Great for Bondage, in a Pinch

Girl #1, about raffia ribbon: But the other place is like a dollar for three yards, so even if I don’t want a hundred yards, I’d probably buy ten of those, so it would be ten dollars plus shipping, meaning I’d spend about the same but only have thirty yards instead of a hundred. So even though I don’t need that many yards, I’d rather buy the hundred-yard spool just because it’s so much better a deal. But who needs a hundred yards of raffia ribbon?!
Girl #2: Is there anything else you can do with it?
Random guy: There’s so much you can do with raffia ribbon! You can wrap presents, do scrapbooking…! There are a million things!

–Canal & Hudson

UN Negotiators Don’t Have the Tact They Used To

Vendor to lady haggling in Chinese: We’re not Chinese — we’re Vietnamese. Fuck off.

–Canal St

Overheard by: tj

Headline by: Chris

Runners-Up:
· “Don’t Make Me Shank You” – Joeritos
· “Even They Can’t Tell Each Other Apart.” – marko
· “Everyone’s a Rittle Bit Lacist” – Mikey G.
· “The Melting Pot Is Full” – Ecc
· “You Say Tǔ Dòu (potato) and I Say Khoai Tây (po-tah-to)” – H2

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

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