My Wife Was Murdered…Tomorrow at 10PM

Guy #1: You’ll figure it out when you move here…it’s like, I opened my first electic bill and said, “Wow, I really live in New York now!”
Guy #2: Right, it’s like when you’re killing someone with an axe, and you’re just hacking, and hacking, and hacking, and some blood splashes on your face and you’re like, “Oh yeah, I’m murdering someone!”

–E train

Overheard by: Kid W

Woman: Well, you know what I think? I think that the girlfriend has to die.

–Hudson Street elevator

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Guy on cell: Yeah, the dude got shot in the face. Isn’t that awesome?

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: toon

Posted on May 30, 2025
Death, Manhattan, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Only in New York, Violence, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, well, I wipe asses just like you do…only metaphorically.

–William Street & Maiden Lane

Overheard by: shawn mac

Rich lady: When I die, scatter my ashes over Bloomingdale’s.

–Neue Gallerie, 86th & 5th

Overheard by: Emily

Peddler: That piece down there was made from an Apple computer box. Forget the painting; I mean, just the box is gorgeous. I have a bit of a cardboard box fetish.

–Spring & Broadway

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Woman on cell: So he was like, “Why are we taking a cab? It’s only 4 or 5 blocks. I know you like exercise. You go to the gym every day.” And I was like, “I only exercise the way God intended…on a treadmill.” I mean, whatever! Right?

–54th & Park

Overheard by: kittikat

Posted on May 6, 2025
All Wednesday One-Liners, Arts & Letters, Ass, Computer, Death, Fitness, God, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Museums, On Cell, Retail Therapy, Rich people, Shopping, Soho, Travel, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Yes, I’m Sure There’s a Duane Reade Around There

Woman #1: Excuse me, is this the right way to Canal Street?
Woman #2: Yeah, keep walking north, you can’t miss it.
Woman #3: It’s about 4, 5 blocks.
Woman #1: Oh, OK…is that where you can get the stuff?

–Church & Thomas

Overheard by: Becka

Posted on February 7, 2025
Directions, Strangers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Shoving Things “There”: No Longer Weird

Bi guy #1: So do you have a lot of threesomes?
Bi guy #2: My girlfriend likes to see me take it up the ass. She’s weird like that.

–Chelsea taxicab

Teen girl #1: How do you know it’s uncomfortable?
Teen girl #2: Just put something in your ass and walk around with it.
Teen girl #1: In your ass?
Teen girl #2: Well, on your ass.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Sara R.

Drunk suit: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Irish barman: Only if you have an enema with you, ’cause I’m going to shove it up your arse when I’m done.

–Nancy Whiskey Pub, Lispenard Street

Posted on January 11, 2025
Asshole, Backdoor, Bartenders, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Gays and Lesbians, Manhattan, Private Parts, Queens, Queers, Sex, Suits, Teens, Three is Company, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Readers: Answer This Not-getting-any Question

Lady: So now I have to take a pill every day to remind myself I’m not having sex?

–Century 21, Financial District

Overheard by: Mike Barry

Posted on September 30, 2023
Health and Hygiene, Sex, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women

I Prefer Mutes, But That’s Not Really a Fetish

Businessman: …and once word gets out that you like to fuck girls with no legs, everybody thinks you’re a freak!
Crony: Yeah, I bet.
Businessman: I’ll send you the pictures.

–Maiden Lane & Water St.

Overheard by: Dave Kelleher

Posted on September 28, 2023
Handicaps, Kink, Suits, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

That Can and Will Be Used Against Him

Crazy guy: I have fallen off the earth and been plastered to the moon! But I’m back.
Cellmate: Uh huh.
Crazy guy: It’s hard to piss out your stomach when they’re tracking
your shoes.
Cellmate: Yup.

–Central booking, Centre Street

Overheard by: the holding cell across from them

Posted on July 19, 2023
Body Parts, Crazies, Crime and Punishment, People, Poop, Stupidity, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wednesday One-Glove-Liners

20-something female shopkeeper to coworker, as Michael Jackson's "Rock with You" plays on the radio: Did you hear he's sick? Apparently, he's in the hospital. I know, it's crazy. Can you imagine if he dies? If he dies, that'll be, like, the most awful thing to happen to America in years!

–Pet Food Store

Overheard by: Nathalie

Suit on cell: What if Michael Jackson sucking your dick was the cure for cancer?

–8th & Broadway

Man, lighting cigarette: So what'd he die from? A sunburn?

–Chambers St. & West Broadway

Middle aged black lady on cell: If you can get Michael Jackson on a condom box it would definitely sell.

–MacDougal & 8th St

Nine-year-old boy, pointing to a newspaper article, to younger sister: Oh yeah, that guy? He was fifty. He used to be a black guy but made himself become white.

–Canal & Orchard, Chinatown

Overheard by: Lauren T.

Large tattooed man, discussing Michael Jackson: One of those kids is his; the other two can't be, they're white. They were all unofficially inseminated, though.

–Delancey & Essex