Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Should Be in Foster Care

Security guard to another: … So if you really want to take a gamble you buy a baby.

–Lobby, Psych building, NYU

Woman on cell: … And then he said he gonna kick mah baby ‘cross the street!

–Union Square

Overheard by: what??

Guy on skates to chick: … And these people, they eat their babies…

–West Village

Overheard by: Joe is So Friggin Amazing

Chick on cell: So, she trusted this woman to watch over her baby, right? And then she takes the baby to the zoo for a photo shoot and comes back with the wrong baby!

–Grocery store, 8th St & Ave C

Man on phone: So, what? You don’t want me to be in the baby’s life anymore? … Well, you know what? I did your sister! [Hangs up angrily.]

–Starbucks, 66th & 3rd

Lady: So I said to my sistah, ‘I ain’t goin’ to spend my weed money on your baby’s diapers!’

–Fulton Mall

Crosstown Wednesday One-Liners

Driver: Some people want to go to work, some people want to go home, some people want to go into your pockets… Watch for pickpockets.

–B44 bus

Overheard by: Katia

Bus driver: This is the express bus to Boston. We’ll arrive at 10:00, 10:30, whichever is earlier.

–Port Authority bus terminal

Bus driver: Happy New Year’s everyone. This is the New Year’s bus. I hope someone is looking over my roasted pork chops in the oven back there. I got some collard greens and potatoes cookin’ as well. Let’s get this bus movin’.

–101 bus, 68th & 3rd

Overheard by: Sashanyc

Bus driver who wouldn’t let anyone pay to get on, claiming she’d won the lottery: Nice day today, huh? Y’all wanna go to the beach? Bring a blanket? Three p.m. — meet me at a secret location. MTA going your way! They won’t mind if I take it for a few hours. Madison is next.

–M79 bus, 79th & 5th

Overheard by: mar

Bus driver to boarding passengers: If you have a name that starts with a letter, move to the back of the bus.

–86th St crosstown bus

Overheard by: Hannah Rose

Wednesday One-Liners: ‘That’s What She Said’

Biology professor to students: Now that you’ve got the basic structure, I’m going to bone you for a while.

–NYU

Overheard by: i’m in the hard class

Conductor: Okay, folks, we’re actually running ahead of schedule. We’ll be stopping for approximately 40 minutes, so if you like you can get out and spread your legs. Spread your– stretch your legs…

–Amtrak train into Penn

Overheard by: KT

Woman on cell: It’s from the car accident. I can’t really move my head, and he woke up stiff this morning, and that never happens.

–5 train

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Woman: Maggie has stopped eating. She’s just not putting as many things in her mouth as she used to.

–Union Square market

Girl on cell: Hey, Mom. Hold on a second, I’m gonna three-way Dad… Oh, wow, weird.

–Jamaica Station

Overheard by: Mike

Guy on PA: Hey, Mark, could you do me a favor? Just put it in, please? Yeah, I need you to put it in right now. Thanks, Mark!

–PATH

Overheard by: Ferocious Russian

Wednesday One-Liners Are Excellent Drivers, Excellent Drivers

Man to woman and her friend pushing a stroller: Listen, Jeanie, you like my sperm, and I like your car. I’m sure we can make a deal.

–60th & Central Park South

Firefighter after getting a call: Hey, boss, how many one-way streets do you think I can drive down the wrong way?

–Pathmark under Manhattan Bridge

Overheard by: tj

Midwestern woman in preppy clothes sticking head out passenger window of sedan: Excuse me, we’re trying to merge…

–Waiting to enter Lincoln Tunnel

Overheard by: Angela

Homeless musician with Casio keyboard plays entire intro to ‘Oye Como Va,’ then sings: Oye como va, ba da da, blah blah blah blah blah! [Abruptly stops] Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s what you get for not having a car.

–L train to Williamsburg

Overheard by: Subway Goer

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Passion for Fashion

Man on cell: I had a great time last night… Yeah, I got home really late, too. I lost my scarf, but I gained a boa… [Louder] A boa… [Louder still] A boa… Black.

–Q train over Manhattan Bridge

Overheard by: Tyler

Crazy hipster: I always suspected them of wearing coats!

–L train

Overheard by: brian Sabowski

Chick: You know, if you lift your skirt up and the guy still doesn’t respond, maybe you should give up the ghost.

–Marquee, 26th & 10th

Dude: You know, it’s probably because the aluminum foil in your fedora is melting.

–Gramercy Park

Overheard by: i work with this

Girl: I was, like, covered in beer. I didn’t even know where my skirt was.

–6th St & 2nd Ave

Dude on cell: … But when you’re sick, you don’t wear pants.

–Red Cat, 10th Ave

Tourist girl, excited: I just bought this 100 percent cashmere scarf for five bucks! I just gotta find out what kinda fabric it’s made out of.

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Jen & Paul

Wednesday One-Liners for Steve Guttenberg

Tall, broad cop speaking loudly and very slowly to disabled man: Now, if you took that cane and swung it and aimed it, and you hit that guy in the head, that was not an accident.

–Ramp to pedestrian lane of Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: Audrey

Traffic cop with megaphone: I never drove one of these things before!

–34th & Broadway

Guy: So, they found him sleeping in the dumpster again so they reported it to his commanding officer. And he’s like, ‘Why is is this officer sleeping in a dumpster when he’s supposed to be out on patrol?’

–N train

Overheard by: sara n.

Perky queer: … So then I played a cop! And I beat a guy up!

–76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Wednesday One-Liners Fire Their Publicist

Homeless man sitting on ground holding up peeled banana: … And now for my John Wayne Bobbit imitation… Aaauuuggghhh!

–38th & Lex

20-something girl: Oh my god! I just realized how much Darth Vader sounds like Ralph Nader!

–8th St & Broadway

Overheard by: EJ

Little boy: Oprah, save me!

–1 train

Overheard by: amused tourist

Hot Asian chick: I want to go, but do we have enough David Hasselhoff shirts to last us the whole weekend?

–140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Shringle

Guy chatting up girl: Yeah, this is a real celebrity hangout. There are probably famous people in here right now, we just don’t know who they are.

–The Spotted Pig

The Urban Renewal of Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: I’m interested in what’s now — that’s why I live in Williamsburg.

–Court & 3rd Pl

Overheard by: imitation rastaman

Hyper bus driver playing with overhead marquee while driving: I can set it to police bus, training bus… It’s like a microwave — what do you want? Corn? I like to change it to ‘Harlem.’ Then people get really confused. [Changes sign to ‘B6 Limited’ and comes up to bus stop. No one gets on bus.] What do you need, the B6? No? [Keeps driving.]

–B4 bus, Sheepshead Bay

Overheard by: tanechka

Smart guy: There is no West Side. There’s only Zabar’s.

–New York Palace Hotel

Overheard by: Emily

Hipster to another: You should totally move up to Harlem. It’s getting whiter.

–Union Square

Old lady to another: Yes, she’s still alive. She’s living all alone on the Upper East Side. Well, she doesn’t go out at all. You know she hates everyone, even Democrats.

–22nd & 1st

Frat boy with group of orange-tanned, fake-chested blondes: We gotta find me the Meatpacking District!

–N 4th St & Bedford Ave

Real Wednesday One-Liners Have Curves

Fat chick to fatter chick: You know, I just can’t eat as much as I used to.

–Cold Stone Creamery, W 42nd St

Overheard by: Kilroy

Big lady: Sit? Nah, I’m fine standin’. These people have been workin’ hard all day, they don’t need no big fat lady sittin’ next to them. If some big fat lady sat next to me, I’d be mad as a bitch.

–F train

Overheard by: Alex And Ra

Queer to another: Honey, with all the food you’ve been eating recently you don’t even need a coat.

–20th & 8th, Chelsea

Dude: I’m too fat to be seen with her.

–C train, between 23rd & 34th

Overheard by: bwarren.com

Father to 10-year-old son: She likes ziti, french fries, pizza, and cake? Do you know what she’s going to be in high school? Fat. Never date a girl that likes to eat more than two things. First rule in life.

–Gennaro restaurant

Overheard by: Aislinn

The Greater Wednesday One-Liner Co-Prosperity Sphere

Guy on cell: I could get better numbers if I beat up an Asian kid!

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: ericaS

Crazy guy to mailman: Look, maybe you don’t understand what I’m asking. All that I’m saying is that I’ve noticed a lot of mailmen are Asian, and I was wondering if you knew why.

–33rd & 30th, Astoria

Overheard by: Jeffrey

Chick on cell: I found, living in Japan, that it’s very Asian.

–28th & Lex

Overheard by: Cheryl

Teen girl on phone: Yeah, I wouldn’t mind if he said that to an Asian… but only an Asian!

–86th St

Overheard by: Lotte

Japanese boy to Korean girl: Koreans generalize a lot.

–Broadway, near NYU

Overheard by: Daniel

Korean-American: In Korea, Koreans run everything. There, Jews are just nice people.

–Dean & DeLuca, University Place

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