Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Passion for Fashion

Man on cell: I had a great time last night… Yeah, I got home really late, too. I lost my scarf, but I gained a boa… [Louder] A boa… [Louder still] A boa… Black.

–Q train over Manhattan Bridge

Overheard by: Tyler

Crazy hipster: I always suspected them of wearing coats!

–L train

Overheard by: brian Sabowski

Chick: You know, if you lift your skirt up and the guy still doesn’t respond, maybe you should give up the ghost.

–Marquee, 26th & 10th

Dude: You know, it’s probably because the aluminum foil in your fedora is melting.

–Gramercy Park

Overheard by: i work with this

Girl: I was, like, covered in beer. I didn’t even know where my skirt was.

–6th St & 2nd Ave

Dude on cell: … But when you’re sick, you don’t wear pants.

–Red Cat, 10th Ave

Tourist girl, excited: I just bought this 100 percent cashmere scarf for five bucks! I just gotta find out what kinda fabric it’s made out of.

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Jen & Paul

Wednesday One-Liners for Steve Guttenberg

Tall, broad cop speaking loudly and very slowly to disabled man: Now, if you took that cane and swung it and aimed it, and you hit that guy in the head, that was not an accident.

–Ramp to pedestrian lane of Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: Audrey

Traffic cop with megaphone: I never drove one of these things before!

–34th & Broadway

Guy: So, they found him sleeping in the dumpster again so they reported it to his commanding officer. And he’s like, ‘Why is is this officer sleeping in a dumpster when he’s supposed to be out on patrol?’

–N train

Overheard by: sara n.

Perky queer: … So then I played a cop! And I beat a guy up!

–76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Wednesday One-Liners Fire Their Publicist

Homeless man sitting on ground holding up peeled banana: … And now for my John Wayne Bobbit imitation… Aaauuuggghhh!

–38th & Lex

20-something girl: Oh my god! I just realized how much Darth Vader sounds like Ralph Nader!

–8th St & Broadway

Overheard by: EJ

Little boy: Oprah, save me!

–1 train

Overheard by: amused tourist

Hot Asian chick: I want to go, but do we have enough David Hasselhoff shirts to last us the whole weekend?

–140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Shringle

Guy chatting up girl: Yeah, this is a real celebrity hangout. There are probably famous people in here right now, we just don’t know who they are.

–The Spotted Pig

The Urban Renewal of Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: I’m interested in what’s now — that’s why I live in Williamsburg.

–Court & 3rd Pl

Overheard by: imitation rastaman

Hyper bus driver playing with overhead marquee while driving: I can set it to police bus, training bus… It’s like a microwave — what do you want? Corn? I like to change it to ‘Harlem.’ Then people get really confused. [Changes sign to ‘B6 Limited’ and comes up to bus stop. No one gets on bus.] What do you need, the B6? No? [Keeps driving.]

–B4 bus, Sheepshead Bay

Overheard by: tanechka

Smart guy: There is no West Side. There’s only Zabar’s.

–New York Palace Hotel

Overheard by: Emily

Hipster to another: You should totally move up to Harlem. It’s getting whiter.

–Union Square

Old lady to another: Yes, she’s still alive. She’s living all alone on the Upper East Side. Well, she doesn’t go out at all. You know she hates everyone, even Democrats.

–22nd & 1st

Frat boy with group of orange-tanned, fake-chested blondes: We gotta find me the Meatpacking District!

–N 4th St & Bedford Ave

Real Wednesday One-Liners Have Curves

Fat chick to fatter chick: You know, I just can’t eat as much as I used to.

–Cold Stone Creamery, W 42nd St

Overheard by: Kilroy

Big lady: Sit? Nah, I’m fine standin’. These people have been workin’ hard all day, they don’t need no big fat lady sittin’ next to them. If some big fat lady sat next to me, I’d be mad as a bitch.

–F train

Overheard by: Alex And Ra

Queer to another: Honey, with all the food you’ve been eating recently you don’t even need a coat.

–20th & 8th, Chelsea

Dude: I’m too fat to be seen with her.

–C train, between 23rd & 34th

Overheard by: bwarren.com

Father to 10-year-old son: She likes ziti, french fries, pizza, and cake? Do you know what she’s going to be in high school? Fat. Never date a girl that likes to eat more than two things. First rule in life.

–Gennaro restaurant

Overheard by: Aislinn

The Greater Wednesday One-Liner Co-Prosperity Sphere

Guy on cell: I could get better numbers if I beat up an Asian kid!

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: ericaS

Crazy guy to mailman: Look, maybe you don’t understand what I’m asking. All that I’m saying is that I’ve noticed a lot of mailmen are Asian, and I was wondering if you knew why.

–33rd & 30th, Astoria

Overheard by: Jeffrey

Chick on cell: I found, living in Japan, that it’s very Asian.

–28th & Lex

Overheard by: Cheryl

Teen girl on phone: Yeah, I wouldn’t mind if he said that to an Asian… but only an Asian!

–86th St

Overheard by: Lotte

Japanese boy to Korean girl: Koreans generalize a lot.

–Broadway, near NYU

Overheard by: Daniel

Korean-American: In Korea, Koreans run everything. There, Jews are just nice people.

–Dean & DeLuca, University Place

Wednesday One-Liners Are Made of Meat

Man on cell: Dude, don’t worry about it — your urethra is only two inches long.

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: LC

Skinny, sour-faced guy: Would you mind not clapping so loud? It hurts my ears.

–Big Apple Circus

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

College guy to friend: It’s just your body saying no, but after a while it stops.

–NYU dorm

20-something dude: My parents don’t think I am responsible enough to move to the city ever since I cut my fingers off.

–28th & 3rd

Conductor: I can’t move this train if you hangin’ halfway out of it. Move all the way in when the doors close. [Doors start to close, fail.] All the way in means no legs, arms, or asses be hangin’ out no doors!

–6 train, 77th St stop

Wednesday One-Liners’ Middle Name Is Ralph, As in Puke

Subway announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please be aware that there is no V train service on the weekends… That’s V as in ‘vomit.’

–57th St station

Overheard by: heroine in iniquity

Gotti-looking girl: Yeah, and I wasn’t having a good time so she was like, ‘Why didn’t you just get drunk and throw up on him?’ and I was like, ‘Because I’m not gonna stoop to his level. I’ll just have someone break his legs.’

–LIRR Hicksville

Overheard by: Sarah

Conductor: No fighting, no throwing up.

–LIRR train

Overheard by: Kristen

Drunk frat boy: Yo, man, what’s your poison tonight? What do you feel like tasting on the way up, bro? Do you want a puke jager? Do you want a puke jager?

–PATH to Christopher St

Metal guy to friend: I’m tellin’ you, if you gotta throw up you can’t beat pancakes and syrup.

–Burger King, 34th St

Overheard by: Glad I was done eating

Irish girl: It was a great night! No one peed in the shower, no one puked in their purse… None of that ever happened!

–168th & Ft Washington Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Remember Their Roots

Malan Breton, from Project Runway: Is this where I come to have my lashes dyed?

–Beauty salon, Hudson & Perry

Overheard by: thaler

Dude: It was fun, but we felt like posers because we all had mohawks, and they had, like, holes in their faces.

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Man: … And I said, that’s my body hair, not a sweater!

–Broadway & Reade

Overheard by: Caitlin

Loud Southern chick: He looked fine except for the goatee, the moustache, and the unibrow.

–Queens-bound E train

Overheard by: acep

Drunk hipster chick: Yeah, my geo-politics are fucked up and my bangs are fucked up. I cut them myself.

–Delancey & Essex platform

Overheard by: Scott L

Transgender emo teen: Go and see his MySpace picture. He is beautiful. But you can only see his hair.

–McDonald’s, 3rd St

Overheard by: jess and ari

The Protocols of the Elders of Wednesday One-Liners

Georgian tourist looking out window at Hasidic Jew: Oh, look at that man in the Abraham Lincoln costume!

–M1bus near Wall St

Overheard by: Nolan & Brandon

Mother to son: Basically, the Unitarians are the most Jewish of all the…

–91st & Broadway

Overheard by: Carol Elk

Potential student: What’s a Jesuit? A Jewish person?

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Guy on cell: He doesn’t even drink! He’s Jewish. Apparently Jews don’t drink.

–47th & 9th

Yenta on cell: Can you believe it? She’s planning to have quesadillas as her Passover meal!

–8th St & Hudson

Overheard by: Laughing Goy

Suit to another: Come on — I mean, we’re Jews. We can walk on water!

–20th & Park

Little boy to nanny: I should be a doctor when I grow up, because I’m Jewish. Or an acrobat…

–F train

Overheard by: LaLa

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