Lady: Miss, would you please put that cigarette out?
Little person: Miss, mind your own business.
Lady: Well, I don’t need to breathe that. It’s not good for you.
Little person: Yeah, I hear it stunts your growth.
–Bus stop, Cross Bay Blvd & Liberty Ave
Overheard by: Vinnie
Hardhat #1: I tell you what, I’m going to need a fucking beer tonight.
Hardhat #2: … You just had one.
–6th Ave
Old lady: Take your coat off — it’s a hundred degrees in here!
Old man: Stop talking to me!
–Architectural Digest event, W 59th & 12th
Seven-year-old girl: What’s your name?
20-something: Uhhh, Katey. What’s yours?
Seven-year-old girl: Liz.
20-something: Okay, how old are you, Liz?
Seven-year-old girl: Seven. How old are you?
20-something: 22.
Seven-year-old girl: You’re old enough to be pregnant!
20-something: … But I’m not!
–M104 bus
Calm mom to five-year-old: Please don’t lick your shoe.
Five-year-old: Mommy, can you wipe my mouth out?
Mommy: No, sweetie. We can’t wipe things out of our mouths. Honey, we don’t lick the bottoms of our shoes. It’s simply not the way we go about doing things. Do you understand that it’s not Mommy being mean? Look around. Do you see any other children’s mommies letting them lick their shoes? No, you don’t, because children who lick their shoes get sick and die.
Other five-year-old: I don’t lick my shoes!
–Murray & W Broadway
Chick: I have social anxiety.
Dude: Social anxiety? You played Jenga with my neighbors!
–Christy & Delancey
Overheard by: Tourist
White nerd in monotone: Look, just because I’m a motherfucking P-I-M-P does not give you the right to kiss up on my women.
Black guy: Fool, don’t be trippin’! You ain’t got but one woman, and she’s fat.
–45th & 9th
Old man picks loose string off back of woman’s coat: You’ve got something there… Ah, now you’re perfect!
Woman: Oh, well, thank you!
Old man: You believe that and you’ll believe anything.
–Stromboli’s Pizza, St. Mark’s & 1st Ave
Overheard by: shankalicious
Headline by: greg
Runners-Up:
· “Like Creationism…” – Drew
· “Now hold still while I examine you for breast cancer” – Zorak
· “On an unrelated note, my penis cures cancer” – Wes Mantooth
· “Puppetmaster IV: The Rude Awakening” – Chris
· “That’s What God Said To Adam & Eve, Too” – fritzy
Guy: Stop taking napkins!
Girl, continuing to take napkins: The problem is that Anna keeps stealing all my underwear!
–Smiling Pizza, Brooklyn
Overheard by: megan cuervo
Doctor #1, about Norah Jones: Did you know her father is Ravi Shankar?
Doctor #2: Her mother must be extremely good-looking.
–Doctors’ lounge, St. Vincent’s Hospital
Overheard by: Danny D
Headline by: s h
Runners-Up:
· “And we know why she didn’t come.” – Offbalance
· “Nip, Tuck, or Genetic Luck?” – Iconny
· “Or Maybe It’s Just that When You Multiply a Negative by a Negative, You End Up With a Positive” – Vasyl
· “Sex and the Sitar” – nicky c
· “The Good, the Bad, and the Ravi” – Riley
