Conductor #1: Now arriving on track 21, track 21, folks. Track 21.
Conductor #2: Ahhh, 21…the age of love!
–Metro North
Conductor #1: Now arriving on track 21, track 21, folks. Track 21.
Conductor #2: Ahhh, 21…the age of love!
–Metro North
Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the Hogwarts Express. This is platform 9 3/4, and we will be leaving shortly for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Preteen holding Harry Potter book, to suit holding Harry Potter book: Oh my god! I knew they would come for me!
Suit holding Harry Potter book, to himself: I did too.
–C Train
Conductor over PA: Some asshole saw fit to leave a package behind on the train, so now we're waiting for the train police. God knows how long that's going to take.
–4 Train
Overheard by: arctinus
Loud hobo addressing crowded f train: I am unemployed. I am not begging. This is an uptown-bound f train. If you see a suspicious package…give it to me.
–F Train
Overheard by: Megerella
Rasta guy to whole car: Attention passengers! (does perfect imitation of opening subway door tones) Please keep your belongings in sight at all times. If you see a suspicious package on the platform or train, tell a police officer, or an MTA employee, or me—it could be a big bag of money, or a bag of medicinal weed. Not the haze, the spliff.
–4 Train
Overheard by: one love
Hobo (after imitating the sound of the subway doors closing): This is a Bronx-bound 4 train…the next stop will be 14th Street Union Square. If you see a suspicious package, don't keep it to yourself. Tell a police officer or MTA employee or me, cause it could be a bag of money or some weed! (approaching a white girl) Hey, pretty girl! You ever tried the flavor black? Cause once you go black you don't go back. Oh man, she's fine! She's fine too! I must be a lesbian because I like all girls!
–4 Train
Overheard by: can never hear those announcements with a straight face
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see or think you're seeing a suspicious package, don't be scared! Say something! The next stop on this train will be 125th Street, home of the famous Apollo Theater and Street Fault, now with white kids from the Old Navy commercial walking all over the place.
–A Train
Overheard by: Alix
Conductor: Crime does not pay. I repeat, crime does not pay. There will be no crime on this train. Littering is a crime. Throwing up on the train is a crime. If you feel the need to relieve yourself, there is one place you can throw up on the train…on yourself. Or if you have a girlfriend, you can have her join in on the situation and you can throw up on her. I'm sure that punishment would be far worse. (at the next stop) I'd like to thank the gentleman in the second car. That was the most amazing display of projectile vomit outside the car doors that I have ever seen! A new record!
–LIRR
Overheard by: Rob Mo
Voice on speaker: Stand clear of the closing doors.
Conductor with head out of window: Shut up!
Voice on speaker: 308, 308…
Conductor with head out of window: Shut up!
–1 Train
Overheard by: Krisztina
Conductor at subway door yelling at guy in suit: Stop holding the subway door.
Guy in suit: Want to take off your belt and beat me?
–E Train
Overheard by: Fellow Subway Rider
Conductor (for the fifth time): You must be in one of the first five cars to get out at South Ferry. You must be in one of the first five cars.
Black chick: We heard you the first ten damn times!
Crazy guy: You don't control the subway, Houston controls the subway!
Black chick: I don't know what you be sayin' but we speak English here in America.
Crazy guy: You don't control the subway, Houston controls the subway! …do you like Whitney Houston?
–Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Trey C.
Conductor: Stand clear of the doors. You are delaying service. (pause, then impatiently) Stand clear of the doors! You are delaying service! (pause) I will come back there and stab you if you do not get out of the doorway.
–Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Special K
Loud girl: I will stab someone just to prove a point.
–E 187th
Overheard by: Martian
Woman on cell walking little boy: I told you he was an asshole last weekend. (pause) Why did you expect any different? (pause) You ain't gonna stab no nigga. I'm gonna call you "Captain Stab 'em." (laughs) You always saying you gonna stab somebody!
–Manhattan Bridge
Overheard by: Lacy
20-something man: I know…I just couldn't pull out my sword fast enough.
–Canal St
Overheard by: Richard
Actor: Yeah, it's a great part! I play a father who stabs his son…
–M23 Bus
Young suit: Wouldn't it be awesome if, like, right across the street from my apartment we could buy fireworks? …and swords!
–81st & Broadway
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. (doors stay open) Pull yourself inside the door and let it close! (still open) Pull your pecker in! (doors close)
–Downtown 2 Train
Overheard by: drew
Conductor: This is a reminder that soliciting is illegal on all New York City subway trains, even if it's for the homeless.
Loud ghetto guy: Attention ladies and gentleman, I'm collecting money for the homeless. Help the homeless? Help the homeless?
Conductor: This is a reminder that soliciting is illegal on all New York City subway trains, even if it's for the homeless. This is his fourth trip. Don't do it.
Loud ghetto guy: Attention ladies and gentlemen, I'm collecting money for the homeless. Help the homeless? Help the homeless?
–Shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square
Overheard by: Alison R.
