Directions

The Little Wednesday One-Liner That Could

Cheerful female conductor: This is the express train. That means it's not not not not not not not the local train. Don't screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: Lynne

Conductor: Behold! This is Woodside! Change here for the former Shea Stadium, now Mets-Willets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Conductor: After Syosset, the next stop will be express, directly to Hunters Point Avenue. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

–LIRR

Overheard by: morningcommute

Conductor: There is an uptown express train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don't just stand there looking at it.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Julie

Conductor, as doors open for passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, we know you've been waiting a long time for a train… (doors close abruptly) Wait for another.

–Q Train

Wednesday One-liners Sparkle and Shine

Hipster on cell: Okay. After my nap. Call me from the park once you are covered in glitter and I will come down.

–14th & B

Hipster chick: I’m totally boycotting the sun this summer.

–L train

Overheard by: Matt Ferrin

Guy on cell: …and I just told him, “I don’t care what you say. As far as I’m concerned, I am the star of a Broadway musical.”

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Bridget Unnel

Think They Have Italian Food?

Girl #1: Do you think there are more places to eat this way or that way?
Cop: Well, there are four that way, and two this way, but the better places are this way.
Girl #2: Can you recommend a good place to eat then?
Cop: Uh, there’s supposed to be somewhere good on the corner of Spring and Mulberry.
Girl #1: Do you know the name of the place?
Cop: Maybe Lugi’s or Lombardi’s or something, some woppy Italian name.

–Little Italy

Overheard by: San Gennaro Reveler

Wednesday One-Liners’ Hometowns Were Glad to See Them Go

Brit lady, to MTA booth lady: Two adults, please. We’ll be getting off around 58th Street.

–14th St F station

Overheard by: Fidget

Tourist: Excuse me, does the F train stop here?

–Subway sandwiches, Houston & Lafayette

Tourist woman, loudly: Jeany? How many stops are we going on this train?

–Times Square shuttle

Overheard by: nevermind

Tourist: Excuse me, which way is it to Upper Town?

–Broadway & Worth

Overheard by: dukes

Tourist: Is this now the Grand Canyon of the East Coast?

–Ground Zero

Tourist: My plane doesn’t leave for 4 hours. Can I walk to the Statue of Liberty from here?

–La Guardia Airport

Overheard by: Jose Hernandez

Tourist, leading a group of more than a dozen fellow tourists: Okay, I… um…don’t know where we are now…Oh, wait! Yes I do! We’re at the South Street Seaport!

–Union Square

Blonde: Look, there’s the Chrysler. Look, there’s Times Square. Where’s the Empire State Building?

–Top of Empire State Building

Overheard by: englishman in new york

Tourist, to deck hand: I can’t see the Statue of Liberty. Would you please move the lifeboat out of the way while I take a picture?

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Steven Lowell

Only in the Star Trek Sense

Dude #1, while crossing Yankee stadium: Dude, are we in Staten Island yet?
Dude #2: Are you retarded?

–4 Train

The City’s Already on Report

Crazy lady: Where are we?
Stranger: New York City.
Crazy lady: Should I call 911?

–Amtrak

Overheard by: tj

How Jesus Got People to Go on the Road With Him

Tourist: How do you know which ones are going where?
New Yorker: Which ones? Well, they have a 4, 5, or 6 number on them, and they’re all going uptown.
Tourist: But we’re going to 68th street, and they’re not all going there. How do you know which ones are making which stops?
New Yorker: Oh, well…You just kind of know.
Tourist: Oh. Well, we’re just gonna follow you.
New Yorker: Okay.

–4/5/6 station, 59th St

Overheard by: trish

She’s an Analyst For Fox News

Mom: We gotta figure out where the hell we’re going.
Child: Maybe you should ask a police officer or a security guard.
Mom: I’m not asking them anything. They don’t know shit. Learn that in life: never ask anyone anything ’cause they don’t know nothing.

–33rd & 7th

One-Liners Are All Wednesday Can Afford

11-year-old girl: Yo mamma's broke cuz she spend all her money on rhinestones and cigarttes!

–Riverside Branch Library

Overheard by: always listening

Polite lady: Go straight down that way and cut through the projects–don't worry, they're mixed income–and you'll see it when you come out on A.

–1st Ave & 5th St.

Overheard by: Mrqs

Old lady waiting for the bathroom: How long do people stay in toilets? Jesus! It's a public toilet! There are all these people from the streets that come in, and they always pee on the floor. Well, that's what happens when you're poor.

–NY Public Library

Overheard by: Avery

Homegirl to friend: So she was like "oh, my name's Diamond. And this is my sister, her name's Ruby. Our daddy named us after stuff he can't afford." I was like, shit, if that was the case, my daddy woulda call us "lights" and "gas."

–Prospect Park

Nerdish teen: What the hell was a warlock doing in a dungeon when he had no money?

–C Train

Overheard by: Andrew

Sometimes We Feel Bad for Mocking Canadians… And Sometimes Not

Chinese-Canadian girl: Where are we going next?
Mom: Chinatown.
Girl: I thought Chinatown was in Canada…?

–Empire State Building

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