We Recommend 8 Hours of Wednesday One-Liners a Night

Restaurant patron: Wait, you are telling me you never wake up in the middle of the night and think you’re still in jail?

–Mottsu Soho

Overheard by: J

Guy on cell: I’ll be there in a few hours. No! Just wait! I mean can you please just not sleep all day again for three seconds?

–Canal St

Hobo: Sorry to disturb y’all! If you look at me closely, you will see some red marks. I was sleeping on the ground for a couple of days and I did not know that if you smell like food, those big rats will bite you.

–B Train

Overheard by: Jamie Paquette

Guy on cell: Hi. I’m just calling to say . . . ummm . . . I feel really bad about how things are going, how things have been. I don’t know if you got any sleep last night. I know I didn’t. But I guess I turned it to my best advantage, because I just gave the most amazing lecture. I talked for two and a half hours! So I guess I’m not totally useless to everyone.

–Chelsea Station Post Office

Anorexic dancer: Yeah, but I can’t wake up without toilet paper.
Friend: …..
Anorexic dancer: It makes sense to me.

–Meredith Wilson Residence Hall, Juilliard School

Overheard by: cherry

Patron to bartender: I mean, I sleep till 3 p.m., but that’s because I drink and do coke all the time. . . . I guess they do too!

–Barracuda

Posted on October 18, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Cocaine, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Education, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Offers and requests, Prison, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Warning: This Story is Character-Driven

Rhodes Scholar wigger: Yeah, we ain’t together no more. Bitch had the nerve to dump me.
Friend: What happened? You guys looked fine last week. It doesn’t make sense.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: She wasn’t down with how I roll. Always dissin’ the way I talk and shit–you know, correcting me and shit. Said she couldn’t take it no more, that I was always actin’ ign-i-ant or some shit. Like she’s some brain scientist or some shit. Bitch was always wrong anyways.
Friend: Brain surgeon.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: What?
Friend: You said brain scientist. I think you meant brain surgeon.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: Dat’s what I said nigga, you just heard me wrong.
Friend: You know what, suddenly it does makes sense.

–Manhattan bound F train

Overheard by: SandmanEsq

Posted on October 13, 2006
Assholes, Black People, Breaking Up, Education, Friends, Idiots, On the Subway, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Words

Note to Self: This Chick Will Believe Anything She Is Told

College girl: Excuse me… excuse me… who is Darfur?
Guy: Are you kidding me? You need to get educated… you haven’t heard of the genocide there?
College girl: Pshhh… we pay people to gather information. Why do I need to know it?

–4/5/6 platform, 96th St

Overheard by: Sheena Tahilramani

Posted on October 6, 2006
Bimbettes, College, Education, Nicknames & name calling, Stupidity, Subway Stations

They Should Know Better

Hipster girl: So, like, what do you do in your media classes? Like, what do the professors expect?
Hipster dude: Well, they just want you to care.

–Balcony, Hunter College

Overheard by: the person who doesn’t care either

Posted on October 2, 2006
Education, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Hunter, Questions, School and studying, Students

Everything I Need to Know About Cosmology I Learned in Four Years of Ninth Grade

Teen girl: Is the universe, like, the whole world or just the United States?
Guy: Dude, it’s, like, everything in existence.
Ghetto guy: Nuh-uh! It’s just like a group. Our universe is the Milky Way.
Guy: You’re an idiot. It includes the Milky Way, but that’s not what it is.
Ghetto guy: I went to four years of high school. I think I would know.

–M96 bus

Overheard by: Treesha

Posted on October 1, 2006
Astronomy, Education, Fast Times at New York High, Guys, On the Bus

The Inverse Relationship Between Literacy and Distance to the Ocean

Snob #1: This is exactly what kids in school should see.
Snob #2: Especially in the Midwest, where they don’t read.

–Delacorte Theater, Central Park

Overheard by: Literate Midwesterner

Posted on September 26, 2006
Central Park, Education, Fashionistas, Stupidity

Why Spending More Money Will Not Improve Education

Teacher #1: So I decided what my big job switch will be in a couple of years.
Teacher #2: What?
Teacher #1: I’m going to be a party planner. Or, someone on the set of a TV show.
Teacher #2: Huh?
Teacher #1: Well, I was watching Rachael Ray the other day, and the camera pulled back, and there was this girl with a headset.
Teacher #2: Yeah?
Teacher #1: And that’s what I want to do. I mean, teaching’s nice, but you don’t really get to interact with anybody, right? It’s just us. And the kids.
Teacher #2: Right.
Teacher #1: Oh, God, when will this train get there? I want to start drinking!

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Posted on September 7, 2006
Drinking & Drunk People, Education, Elementary & Middle School, On the Subway

The Essential Facts Are Explained at Length in The Bonfire of the Vanities

Thug boy: Yo, nigga, why you wearin’ a tie? You gotta go to court?
Teacher: No.
Thug girl: I bet you gotsta go to a funeral. Somebody got kilt, right?
Teacher: No, I just thought I would wear a tie for my first day. I’m a new teacher here.
Thug guy: Yeah, no shit you new, dressin’ like the fuckin’ president or some shit. You gonna get your dumb ass jumped.
Teacher: For dressing nicely?
Thug girl: Stupid ass white people don’t know shit about livin’ in New York.

–Franklin K Lane HS, Brooklyn

Overheard by: jeff lebowski

Posted on August 14, 2006
Clothing, Education, Murder, On the Subway, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Thievery, Thugs

What’s a Nice Place Like This Doing in a Girl Like You?

Slutty girl: My high school history teacher ate my pussy. Then the science teacher. He ate my pussy. Then in college my freshman philosophy professor and my junior year economics professor, they ate my pussy.
Practical girl: You need to put out a Zagat guide to your twat.

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: PDJ

Posted on August 5, 2006
Bimbettes, Comebacks, Eating Out, Education, Girls, Students, The Village, Vagina