Wednesday One-Liners Gave You Life

Nine-year-old girl: Trick or treat! If you don’t have any candy, you can give my mom some liquor!

–Wine shop, Chelsea

Overheard by: Catherynne Valente

Cute chick on cell: Hello, Mom. I’m just calling to tell you I got a tattoo, and I’m telling you on your voicemail so I don’t have to hear any shit from you about it. Call me after you calm down. Bye.

–Canal & Lafayette

Overheard by: Big Larry

Mom and nine-year-old daughter are walking hand-in-hand.

Daughter, shrieking: No, Mommy, please don’t buy the razor! Anything but the razor, Mommy!

–74th & Broadway

Tween girl: My mother is probably going to shit on my head.

–Broadway & 67th

Overheard by: thaler

Hipster NYU dude: She’s not my mother anymore.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: yamutha

Posted on November 21, 2019
Family Ties, Kids, On Cell, Tweens

Jessica Simpson: I Am So With You

Younger man: Maybe I’ll marry your sister. Then I’ll kill myself.
Older man: I’m waiting to give my sister to an enemy.

–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Overheard by: Christine

Posted on November 19, 2019
About Celebrities, Astoria, Comebacks, Family Ties, Marriage, Men, Old People, Suicide

Translation: Violent Offenders Get Me Hard

Older lady: I slit my brother's throat one time.
Guy: Uhhh…
Older lady: Well, I didn't mean to… It was kind of an accident.
Guy: These things happen…

–Bus Stop, Priest & Elliot

Overheard by: Trent

Posted on October 21, 2019
Accidents, Family Ties, On the Bus, Stab, Thugs

Like Gilmore Girls Going off the Air

50-ish woman: My mom had a stroke.
Friend: Honestly, worse things can happen.

–Café Henri, West Village

Posted on October 17, 2019
Family Ties, Health and Hygiene, Manhattan, Restaurants & Cafes, West Village, Women

They Never Spoke Of This Night Again

Man with beer #1: I love you, beer. You satisfy me in ways my wife never could.
Man with beer #2 to other man: You satisfy me in ways my wife never could…

–NJT to Penn Station

Overheard by: Geologist

Posted on October 11, 2019
Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Family Ties, Gays and Lesbians, Love, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness

Tonight's Lesson: Making Long Island Iced Teas

Aunt: Do you know what you are being?
Child: Yeah.
Aunt: Does it start with a b?
Child: Maybe.
Aunt: Your father calls me that all the time, you can say it…I give you permission.
Child: No.
Aunt: Is it a female dog?
Child: Yeah.
Aunt: Come, tell me…is it “bitch?”
Child: Yeah, I'm a being a bitch.

–Isabella's, 81st St

Overheard by: Gerald T Reiner Jr.

Posted on September 29, 2019
Animals & Nature, Default, Family Ties, Gender issues, Girls, Insults, Kids, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women, Words

That's Obscene.

Little girl: Mommy! Mommy! How many times have I asked you for a brother?
Mother to friend: Yeah, she's been buggin' me about having a boy.
Little girl: Yeah! And we can name him David!
Mother: David? David? Hooooo, girl! Hell no!

–Staten Island Ferry

Posted on September 29, 2019
Family Ties, Ferry, Friends, Kids, Moms, Names, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Staten Island Ferry

Levi Johnston Has Fallen on Hard Times

Man with bongo: Who's that baby mama?! Who's that baby mama?!
Man with bongo, putting on blonde wig: I'm that baby mama! I'm that baby mama!
Man with bongo: Who's that baby daddy?! Who's that baby daddy?!
Man with bongo, taking off blonde wig: I'm that baby daddy! I'm that baby daddy!

–F Train

Overheard by: Leise

Posted on September 14, 2019
Family Ties, Men, On the Subway, Parents, Stupidity

Naked Natalie Is Your Sister?

Guy #1, yelling: Bye, girls! Keep your clothes on!
Guy #2: Dude…that's my sister.

–W 3rd & Mercer

Overheard by: Checking her out

Posted on September 13, 2019
Family Ties, Guys, Nudity, Pick-up Lines, The Village

And Again at Your Sister's Recital

Four-year-old girl to sister: You're hitting me with your violin case!
Upper West Side mom: Anne, sometimes you have to endure a little bit of pain on the subway.

–1 Train

Posted on September 5, 2019
Families, Family Ties, Instruments, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Public Transportation, Sisters

Family Ties