Gays and Lesbians

Romeo and Juliet: Shakespeare’s First Draft

Teen boy: I couldn’t put it all the way in, though.
Teen girl: Ew, ew, ew.
Teen boy: I don’t know how they do that in pornos.
Teen girl: One second — are you gay?
Teen boy: Not really. Like, I’d totally do you.
Teen girl: You wish! Got Jake’s shit all over your dick. Ain’t no way.

–Smiling Pizza, 7th Ave, Park Slope

Headline by: Malingerer

Runners-Up:

· “Bi-curiousity killed the pussy” – Mojosaves

· “Have your jake and eat it too” – teensaredisgusting

· “He called ‘no homo'” – Jedipus

· “He probably couldn’t put it all the way in, because he’s not willing to come all the way out” – Ryan

· “Jake the German Shepherd was extra eager to meet his master that night.” – Adrenna

· “Methinks the lady doth protest too much” – assley

· “The Straw That Brokeback Mountain” – B

· “The shit washes off. The gay? Not so much.” – Sean

· “Then How ’bout a Dirty Sanchez?” – Hobo Whisperer

· “When the front door slams shut, sometimes the back door opens” – steve devan

· “You say tomato, I say hepatitis” – Mark Poepsel


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Just the Worst Home Depot Saturday Ever

Man #1: How was your weekend?
Man #2: Shitty.
Man #1: Well… When did you first suspect your mother was gay?
Man #2: I don’t wanna talk about it, okay?

–Union Square

… While I Masturbate

NYU girl #1: It’s almost like… a pseudo-lesbian crush… I mean, I don’t wanna touch her or anything.
NYU girl #2: Yeah, I don’t wanna touch her, I just…
NYU girl #1: I just, like, want her to lay in my bed with me and tell stories.

–Washington Square Park

The Silence of the Lamb Chop

Teen girl #1: So, I heard that this porn star had, like, lung cancer and had to, like, have part of her lung removed.
Teen girl #2: Damn, that sucks. Is she, like, always out of breath?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, and she, like, can’t talk that much either ’cause she can hardly breathe.
Teen girl #2: But isn’t she a porn star? When she like, you know, has an orgasm, how can she make those loud noises? Her career is so over.
Teen girl #1: Maybe she has a ventriloquist.
Teen girl #2: No way. That’d only work if she was a guy and it was gay porn, ’cause, I mean, who’s ever heard of a girl ventriloquist?

–Deli, 42nd St

Headline by: Emilio Lizardo

Runners-Up:

· “And They Called Her Howdy Pooty” – Sean

· “Charlie McCarthy Does Dallas!” – Mary Beth Hanlon

· “How many ‘likes’ does it take to get to another orgasm?” – Maggie Mae

· “I never knew smoking pole could cause lung cancer” – Matt T

· “If Helen Keller did porn” – Em

· “She’s Not Bad, But I Can See Her Lips Moving” – Dan

· “That’s not all she’s faking” – CoolPapaZ

· “Those screeching sounds come from her other set of lips” – Nick. D.

· “You know what else turns me on? Leprosy” – Steve


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

And Umbrellas Are so Passe

Queer #1: Get that cab.
Queer #2: We are not taking a cab three blocks.
Queer #1: It’s raining. The hair, the suede jacket.
Queer #3: I know you think we are lazy but it’s all about the hair. If you had any you would do the same.
Queer #2: I hate going out with you two.
Queer #1: You love us.

–In front of XL, Chelsea

Overheard by: Will

They Do Sell Tops and Bottoms

Little girl #1: I know what GAP stands for!
Little girls #2, #3 and #4: What?
Little girl #1: ‘Gay and proud,’ duh.

–In front of the GAP , Times Square

Overheard by: Micaela

And, I Mean, If She Were Still Alive and All

Girl: If I were a lesbian, I’d totally go for her!
Guy: Who?
Girl: Priscilla! Well…I mean, if she weren’t my sister.

–M23 Bus

Overheard by: Claire

Our Product Regrew Wednesday One-Liners in Four Out of Five Users

Straight guy: I need to change my hair. Four out of five girls with that bachelorette party last night thought I was gay.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Phil

Guy: Listen, it’s not hair replacement. It’s a system.

–Sterling & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: A White Bear

White guy: Yeah, and I ripped out her weave.. it was awesome!

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: Amelia D

Hobo: All Democrats must have pink hair, by mandate of the homeless Republican!

–12th & 6th

Overheard by: theNJl

Ghetto girl: She wanted to charge me $400 for my hair. She was gonna charge me by the pound! Who charges for hair by the pound? I could get my homegirl to do it for $20. Never buy your hair from someone in the ‘hood!

–5 train, 125th St

Overheard by: La Liz

Bald queer: Oh, now I have to do my hair again. It’s so difficult to keep my hands out of it!

–Elevator, 1250 Broadway

The Ones From the Former Eastern Bloc Are Just Average

Queer: He’s really smart. I’m really smart. It’s good, it works out. I think smart people should be sleeping together, it’s the natural way.
Woman: You guys could have smart kids!
Queer: Uh, I hate to be the one to tell you, but that’s not the way it works.
Woman: …from China!

–Franklin St & Freeman St, Greenpoint

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Hot, Well-Dressed Straight Men Are a Dime a Dozen

Queer: Darling, if I were to undergo de-gayifying electroshock therapy, I swear that you would be my first piece of woman to pursue.
Girl: No, never.
Queer: Ummm… And why not?
Girl: Because then you would just be another hot-on-the-street like the rest. Stay gay, I love you that way.

–Midtown

Overheard by: Adrian

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