Gays and Lesbians

Un Film de Wednesday One-Liners

Russian guy on cell: I went to see Saw III. Best movie ever — the girl in front of me fainted in the beginning of the movie! Five minutes into the movie she just fainted, and her boyfriend started calling for help. I called an ambulance, they took her away… That movie was awesome!

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overenthusiastic male student: Oh! I met Borat! He goes to NYU, right?

–Hunter College

Guy to everyone in theater: Shhh, I’m recording this!

–Movie theater, Court St, Brooklyn

Blonde: Yeah, so I watch Brokeback Mountain like it’s my Bible. I hang on every word, ’cause I really want to know how gay people talk.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Stina

Guy on cell: 28 Days was just stupid. Zombies aren’t like that. Dawn of the Dead is the most realistic portrayal of zombies I’ve ever seen!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Philip Niosi

Chick to hipsters: I did my first autopsy to The Wizard of Oz.

–The Village, near Mulberry

Overheard by: DC Diva

The TV Show. Is That What You Mean?

Old woman: I just can’t believe that’s where my brother goes out to when he comes to visit me. He’s not gay, so why would he be there?
Old queer: Are you sure he’s not? It’s called ‘Rawhide’ for a reason.

–22nd St & 8th Ave

Marie’s Has a Strict ‘No Straights’ Policy

Queer #1: Hey, are you a faggot?
Queer #2: Yeah, I’m a faggot.

–Marie’s Crisis Piano Bar, West Village

Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date

Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast…

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Peter L

Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade.

–Christopher & 7th

Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set!

–Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn

Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?

–6 train

Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!

–Victoria’s Secret dressing room

20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!

–56th & 9th

Actually, I’d Butt-Fuck Him Right Now for Some Raw Cookie Dough

Friendly male barista: Hi, what can I do you for?
Stoner #1: I’m not a fuckin’ queer, man.
Stoner #2: Yeah, man. And even if he was, he’d be mine!

–Starbucks

Overheard by: The girl in line behind this guy

But Are You Married?

Chipper male hairstylist: Hi! Did you miss me?
Female hairstylist, intense: I thought about you every day…
Chipper male hairstylist: You know I’m gay, right?

–34th & Lex

Overheard by: Snidely

You Mean She Was Eyeballing You?

Girl #1: It’s so obvious she’s into you.
Girl #2: I know, I gotta tell her I’m not into girls. Last time I was there, she practically raped me with her eyes.

–86th & Lex

What the Far End of the Heterosexual Spectrum Butts Up Against

Thug #1: Yeah, me too. I get so much pussy… Sometimes I’m too tired to even fuck ’em all.
Thug #2: Nigga, you gay.

–M4 bus stop, 110th St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: High LiferforLife

Nah, I’d Send in a Designated Hitter

Hot chick walks by in Yankees sweatshirt.

Guy to friend: Dude. Dude, that girl is hot as fuck. I would hit that so hard.
Mets fan nearby: Ouch. Sucks she’s a Yankees fan.
Guy: What? Who the hell cares? She could have a fucking penis, and I’d still hit that shit up, down, left, right, and diagonally.
Mets fan: That’s kinda gay.

–Times Square

Actually, That’s More Thought Than the Military Has Put into It

Dude #1: You know gay guys can’t be part of the Army?
Dude #2: Nah, man. That’s grimy. Why would they deny gay people like that for?
Dude #1: Well, lesbians are allowed to serve, just not male lesbians.
Dude #2: Dude, male lesbians are straight guys, aren’t they?
Dude #1: Oh, my bad. I meant gay guys. Yeah, gay guys.
Dude #2: Why can’t gay guys be in the Army?
Dude #1: ‘Cause they’re afraid straight guys will beat the shit out of them.
Dude #2: Well, why don’t they have, like, a separate battalion for them, you know what I’m saying?
Dude #1: Dude, that’s segregation. That’s illegal.
Dude #2: Isn’t it segregation by not allowing them to be part of the Army?
Dude #1: Word. That’s mad deep.

–E23rd St & Lex

Overheard by: Lisa

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