Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Fucking Sorry about Slavery, Okay?

20-ish white girl to friends: Guys, sometimes I just feel like the only white girl in the city…

–Fulton St

Overheard by: other white girls

Hobo peering in from sidewalk: Ain’t nothin’ but white people all up in this motherfucker! This shit is racist, yo!

–Garden of Eden, 107th & Broadway

Overheard by: Bubby

Black girl on cell: He fucked a white girl? He fucked a white girl?! How stupid is he? You know if you fuck a white girl you gotta get her consent and then sign a contract!

–PATH platform

Angry black traveler on cell: Do you know how long it takes me to get to JFK from my place?! I’m surrounded by crackers! I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Here. Crackers all starin’ at me… I dunno what they’re lookin’ at.

–JFK

Overheard by: Not A Cracker But Staring Anyway

Old white guy at Cirque du Soleil show, to daughter: Is this primarily a white thing? I guess that’s why I don’t like this show. I’ve got too much soul for this.

–Madison Square Garden

Drunk black lesbian: I am not racist in any way. I believe that it’s something that’s taught and passed down from your parents. I am not a racist… but what’s up with white people?!

–D train

Posted on January 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Black People, Drunks, Girls, Gripes, Hobos, JFK Airport, Lesbians, Madison Square Garden, Old People, On Cell, Race, Sex & Relationships, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Theater & Dance, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, White People

I Just Flew in from Wednesday, and Boy, Are My One-Liners Tired!

Flight attendant: Once again, please remain seated until the captain does turn off the ‘Fasten seatbelt’ sign… That includes all passengers in row nine… That includes all passengers wearing a blue polo… Yes, thank you, and have a great day.

–JFK

Pilot: Welcome to JetBlue flight 703 to San Juan… I’m from South Carolina. We do something special there — we let our kids drive at the age of fifteen. I’ve got a 15-year-old son and a 16-year-old daughter, so if you’re thinking of driving to Florida, do me a favor and fly JetBlue — it’s safer than driving through South Carolina, and my car insurance for my daughter last year was 15 hundred dollars, and now I have to add my son, so I really need this job to afford it.

–JFK

Overheard by: alan b hutscar

Flight attendant: … And if you do require anything during this flight, simply press the button located above your head. Do not approach the galley, as it scares the hell out of me and I am not emotionally prepared to handle that today.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Sheffler

Flight attendant: … And be sure that you lock your tray tables and place your seat backs in their least comfortable position for takeoff.

–JFK

Overheard by: Ardbeg78

Pilot: Well, folks, I’m sorry about the delay, but, uh, airplanes are complicated machines, you know? And sometimes they break.

–United flight, JFK

Overheard by: clueless about electronics

Big, jolly black woman about to be frisked at security: You have yo’self a good time!

–JFK

Overheard by: Nancy L.

Posted on January 30, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Cars and Driving, Family Ties, Flight Attendants, Foreplay, Gripes, JFK Airport, LaGuardia Airport, Pilots, Travel, Women

It’s a Mad, Mad World

10-year-old, about two girls walking by: Yo, she’s mad tall! And she’s mad short! That’s mad crazy!
Passerby: I agree!

–Houston & Ave A

Overheard by: The short one.

Posted on January 29, 2008
Gripes, Kids, Should've Used a Condom, Strangers, Union Square and East Village

And Smoke It?

Crackhead girl: I said excuse me, man! Get the fuck outta my way!
Guy: Geez…
Crackhead girl: And you better fix your zipper before I take your penis!

–4 train

Overheard by: iliveherebutstilllooklikeatourist

Posted on January 26, 2008
Druggies, Gripes, On the Subway, Threats

New York’s Most Critical Couple Savages Another Musical Event

Woman, about Hairspray: Harold, except for the finale number, I thought it wasn’t anything special. All the screaming and the jumping and the music…
Man: You’re right, Doris.
Woman: You know what was the golden era of the Broadway? The really good shows, Harold?
Man: What were they, Doris?
Woman: The Cats, The Les Mis, The Phantoms… That was the zenith, Harold. This one — I don’t know what it is.
Man: Me neither, Doris. Me neither.

–52nd St

Overheard by: izzy

Posted on January 26, 2008
Couples, Gripes, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Theater & Dance

How I Got Guilted into Running Marathons

Father to screaming toddler: Y’know, some people ran 26 miles today, and I’m only asking you to walk a block!

–Times Square

Posted on January 24, 2008
Dads, Gripes, Times Square

Says So on Her T-Shirt

Chick: Richard, I felt bad about what I said when I realized that Natia was sitting right next to me.
Richard: What did you say, Natalie?
Natalie: I said, ‘I’m sick and tired of these terrorists.’
Richard: It’s okay, Natalie. Natia is a Muslim, not a terrorist.

–Park Ave

Posted on January 22, 2008
Friends, Gripes, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Terrorism

That Might Be Best

Drama queen, looking at watch: I hope you’re happy. We missed our train.
Stressed mother: Okay, okay… Let’s just look at the board and see when the next train into Stamford IS.
Drama queen: Mo-ooom…
Stressed mother: Listen, Bethany, I can’t help it if the cab driver couldn’t speak English and took us to the wrong place.
Drama queen: I think we both know that we’re late because you’re a fatass and had to stop at Starbucks.
Stressed mother: Bethany, enough.
Drama queen: Mom, I am a child model. I make more money than you do, and I could probably figure out the damn train if you’d let me.
Stressed mother: Enough.
Drama queen: If we don’t get back to Vermont by nine o’clock tonight, I’m never speaking to you again.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Christine

Posted on January 20, 2008
Biotechs, Grand Central, Gripes, Insults, Moms

If You Can’t Torment Your Kids, Who Can You Torment?

WASP lady: Look, Dylan! We’re in the subway! It’s subterranean — that means we’re going to see those subterranean guys!
Five-year-old: Subterranean guys? Whaaat?!
WASP lady: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! [Puts scarf over eyes, like a mask.]Five-year-old: Holy shit, my god! Fuck nooo!

–Penn Station

Posted on January 19, 2008
Gripes, Kids, Moms, Penn Station, Pop Culture

Gripes