Headline Contest Winners

Two Words That Are Really Interchangable

(conductor makes muffled announcement)
Girl #1: (gasp)
Girl #2: What did she say?
Girl #1: “Stand clear of the closing doors, bitch!”
Woman nearby: I think she said “please”.
Man: I like their version better.

–A Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Headline by: Dawgn Heat

Runners-Up:
· “Dave Chappelle’s New Job As Subway Conductor Poses Some Problems” – Andrew
· “It Could Have Been, “Bitch, Please!” and Everyone Would Have Been Happy” – Jared Rizzi
· “Ludacris Finds Himself Unexpectedly Inspired” – SmR
· “Makes You Wonder What Charlie Brown’s Parents Were Really Saying” – Jeff
· “You Have to Use Profanity to Be Taken Seriously in New York” – KAC

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Someone Ought to Tell Them That There Is No “Joe”

Hungover girl #1: Oh my god, last night was so much fun! Joe kept making out with me and telling me how coked up he was.
Hungover girl #2: Oh my god, he kept making out with me too!
Hungover girl #1: Isn't he such a good kisser?

–FIT Elevator

Overheard by: MKG

Headline by: Seth

Runners-Up:
· “”Ohh- Is This YOUR Gum, Then?”” – ~m
· “And Now Our Babies Will Be Born on the Same Day!” – Katie Darling
· “Next Week, on The Bachelor…” – Catie
· “The Reason Pablo Escobar Was So Successful…” – Prashant
· “To Be Fair Though, They Share Underwear Too.” – Sam

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Ironically, the Lights Are Really Advertisements for Anti-Hallucinogens

Tween #1: Look at them lights in the sky. They look like Batman lights.
Tween #2: No, man, that's angels coming from heaven.
Tween #1: No, that's aliens coming down to interrogate us.

–President St & Franklin Ave, Prospect Heights

Overheard by: JvC

Headline by: Michael

Runners-Up:
· “But Both Were Wrong, for It Was Divine George Bush Descending From His Presidency.” – AlphaBeta
· “It Was a Street Lamp.” – Paul K.
· “Lucas and Spielberg – the Tween Years” – TV
· “Or, As People Out in the Country Call Them, “Stars”” – BabakganoosH
· “Pop Culture – 3: Science – 0” – The Joker
· “Robert Pattinson Gets an Unexpeected Visit After They Take the Aliens to Their Leader” – Tuesday’s Intern
· “The Anti-LSD Ads Write Themselves” – Adam B.

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Duck I'd Like To Fry?

Hot gay ginger: Ooh! Look at how yummy these grapes look!
Cute half-Asian: Not as yummy as that dilf outside…

–Dean & Deluca

Overheard by: reid r.

Headline by: Myrtle Willoughby

Runners-Up:
· “And So Grape Nuts Were Born” – DRS
· “How to Toss a Half-Asian Salad” – jeffreydanna@gmail.com
· “It’s Official: Gay Men Are the New Teenage Girls.” – Steve
· “Some People Just Prefer Bananas” – Hot gay ginger
· “That’s Why They Call It the Fruit Section.” – Jesse

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One Time I Caught Him Doing a Line of Mashed Potatoes

Elderly man to waiter: You know, that looks like 'shrooms.
Waiter: Sir, this is couscous.

–Broadway & 90th

Overheard by: GuyonaMac

Headline by: Bojo

Runners-Up:
· “All Of Us Have a Bad Experience with Rice-A-Roni” – the blue one
· “Bernie’s Attempts at Discreetly Finding a Drug Dealer Have Failed Yet Again” – RaeAn
· “It’s Not Easy Being Keith Richards’ Waiter” – I’ll have the mushroom soup
· “Well, Then You Clearly Got My Order Wrong.” – Timmy
· “Whatever, As Long As It Gets Me Where I Want to Go” – PeterG

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If Mommy's Meds Hold Out That Long!

Upbeat mom to seven and nine-year-old daughters: And then we'll go to the family garden and then we'll go to the children's garden!
Elder daughter (sighing): And then can we go shopping?

–Botanical Garden

Headline by: sam

Runners-Up:
· “Because We’re Almost Out Of Entitlement and Materialism” – Dana Lishs
· “Children Are the REAL Inconvenient Truth…” – Bojo
· “Meet America’s Greatest Patriot” – KateNonymous
· “Where We Can Sow Money and Reap Prada” – 1310 (formerly SNA)
· “Why the Hilton Sisters Like Daddy More” – Brittlee

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Tired of Making Out With Two-Dimensional Losers

Girl wearing 3-D glasses: Dude, I wish I could go through life three beers deep and wearing these things.
Friend: Yeah, you'd make out with everyone.

–W Lounge, Fashion Week

Headline by: Karl

Runners-Up:
· “I Wear My 3-D Glasses at Night…” – Lisa K
· “It’d Be Like the Penis Is Coming Right at You!” – Joeritos
· “Megan’s Parents Would Come to Regret Taking Her to the Hannah Montana 3-D Movie” – Claire
· “So Basically Normal, But With Glasses” – Ross
· “The Bush Twins Can Finally Be Themselves” – Svenn Diagram

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Whatever, Just Say It Loud

Woman to friends: So he and his…what do you call an 80-year-old girlfriend? His main squeeze?
Man: His chick!

–Broadway & 102nd

Headline by: markle9

Runners-Up:
· “Ashton Just Calls Her Demi” – AL
· “His Barely Living Proof Of Gravity?” – Aditya
· “His Early Bird Special?” – Siobhan
· “His Old Lady? Nah, That’s Too Obvious” – BLS Martha
· “I Believe A-Rod Calls Her Madge” – Gross
· “The Cool Kids Would Say “GILF”” – KateNonymous

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A New York Cop is Born

Four-year old boy #1: Hey, try to catch me!
Four-year old boy #2: Shut the fuck up, motherfucker!

–Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Natalie

Headline by: poop

Runners-Up:
· “And Thus the Tupac/Biggie Battle Humbly Began” – RBNY
· “I Guess This Is What Bill Cosby Meant…” – cmtWHATUP
· “Richard Pryor Reincarnated” – Casual Observer
· “That Seseme Street/South Park Merger Was Bound to Have Consequences” – Cartman wins again
· “The Argument Against Grand Theft Auto As a Stocking Stuffer” – space coyote
· “The Rules Of Tag Have Changed Over Time.” – Oh, this younger generation…

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Barbara Walters Is Always Asking the Tough Questions.

Elderly customer: Excuse me, do you have enema bags?
Cashier #1: Enema bags?
Elderly customer: Yes, enema bags.
Cashier #1: Do we have enema bags?
Cashier #2: Animal bags?
Cashier #1: No, enema bags.
Cashier #2: Oh, enema bags?
Cashier #1: Yes. Enema bags.
Elderly customer: I'll check the pharmacy.

–Duane Reade, 19th & 7th

Overheard by: Kate

Headline by: Nick

Runners-Up:
· “And This Is How Fido Got a Clean Colon” – lucas
· “Coincidentally Enough I Am Planning to Use It on an Animal.” – robin
· “Elderly Boy Scouts Are Always Prepared” – Rose
· “Love Thy Enema” – threetimefinalist
· “No, But We Do Know the Muffin Man” – BabakganoosH
· “The Deli Was Probably a Bad Place to Start” – Brian

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