Wednesday One-Liners Think Their Virginity Has Come Back

Guy on cell: I finally figured out why I have no sons — no woman will sleep with me.

–Penn Station

Computer geek: I was leveling up my Wizard… Man, I’m never going to have sex.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Irbs

Loud NYU chick on cell: So, there was this guy there that kept announcing he needed to get laid… Yeah, I know. And I’m thinking, ‘Dude, you don’t let the world know you need to get laid, you just get laid,’ you know what I mean? I mean, I need to get laid, too, but I’m not letting the world know that!

–Au Bon Pain, E 8th St

Black lady on cell: … So the doctor says, ‘Tell me about your sex life.’ I told him, ‘I don’t have a sex life. I hate everyone.’

–6 train

Overheard by: SilentButDeadly

Posted on January 10, 2007
Black People, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, On Cell, Sex

Wednesday One-Liners Have Redeye

Thug: This is a fuckin’ Kodak moment, man [snaps picture of fellow thug with camera phone].

–Bleecker & McDougal

Overheard by: acep

Drunk ferry operator holding a camera: I am the shutterbug. S-H-utterbug.

–2 Toms Restaurant, Park Slope

Suit on cell: Hey, sweetie, I found your Army helmet in my car. Did you find my shirt? … Because you poured beer in my ear. Why? No idea — I was going to ask you. I can’t wait to see the moustache pictures.

–Wall St

Overheard by: Wants to see the pics

Chick on cell: I thought I told you to never call me again, and here I look down at my phone and guess who it is?! … After those pictures you sent me?!

–Bleecker & Hudson

Overheard by: Me, Myself, Personally

20-year-old thug to friend: Yeah, she’s the prettiest. When she’s sucking on my dick and looks up, you just wanna take a picture.

–Queens-bound E platform, 14th St station

Overheard by: Nikki W

Gold-digging wife to gal pals: I am totally not going to Vegas for Jenny’s bachelorette party. Can you imagine the photos that could potentially be used in a future divorce proceeding?

–Del Posto Restaurant

Posted on January 10, 2007
Beauty, Drunks, Insults, Ladies Who Lunch, On Cell, Suits, Thugs

Wireless Wednesday One-Liners

Aspiring hipster: All I need now is a tattoo and a MySpace and I’ll be set!

–Oustide Around the Clock, 9th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Molly

Blonde girl: Does anyone know if the subway has wireless connection?

–1 train

Girl on cell: Well, would you fix my computer for free? … What is it with guys who fix my computer wanting to be paid in sexual favors? You’re like the fourth guy to say that to me this year.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Lady on cell: Well, have you asked him to close his MySpace account? Well, if he really loved you, he would close it!

–28th St, between Madison & Park

Overheard by: mommamoose

Teen chick on cell: Yeah, it’s funny… Google it. Wait, do you guys even have Google in Florida?

–54th & Park

Overheard by: floridian passerby

Teen chick: Oh my god! I am so putting that on the internet!

–Times Square

Posted on January 10, 2007
Google, Internet, Myspace, On Cell, Teens

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Alpha and the Omega

Columbia dude to Columbia chick: I’m trying to figure out what the hell God wants me to be. He either wants me to be a doctor or a lawyer — I can’t decide.

–Nussbaum and Wu Bakery and Cafe, 112th & Broadway

Five-year-old girl watching a dog go through airport security: Oh, please God, pleeease don’t let it die!

–JFK

Dude on cell: No, it’s okay, I understand. I’ll see you another time [hangs up]. Yes! I don’t have to go out tonight — his grandma died! There is a god! I’m going home to go to bed.

–Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway

Overheard by: andrea

Woman: I don’t got no PhD — my degree is from God.

–19th & Broadway

Posted on January 10, 2007
God, Kids, On Cell, Students

Wednesday One-Liners Before the Fall

Chick: …And then when the naked girl got in the balloon I was so scared I thought I would die!

–1 train

Overheard by: Michael Schiano

Dude: It’s like, as soon as you step into a room and take off your pants, all hell breaks loose!

–Allen & Stanton

Overheard by: Griffin

Dude: I swear, like, everyone on this block has seen me naked.

–Outside Rubin Hall, NYU

Overheard by: Josh

Little girl: Look! The nakeds! They’re naked!

–Greek sculpture wing, the Met

Chick on cell: I mean, if I’m going to send my friends footage of me doing topless jumping jacks, I want it to be remembered.

–Harlem

Suit on cell: You wanna know why we’re not friends anymore? Remember the last time you came to my house? I came out of the bathroom and there you were, stretched out on my sofa, naked, playing with your dick. What the fuck was that all about?

–City Hall Park

Overheard by: Big Larry

Doctor to patient: Sir, I am going to prescribe you two things — some burn cream for, well, you know, and some advice: try not to cook without your pants on.

–Beth Israel Hospital Emergency Room

Posted on January 3, 2007
Doctors, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Nudity, On Cell, On the Subway, Parks, Penis, Suits

It’s Actually a Bus Ride to His Mom’s in Hoboken on Sunday

Man on cell: I have to go to Bangkok — I’m getting a plane out tomorrow. Wait, what day is it today? I’m going Tuesday.
Couple nearby: It’s the 19th, a Tuesday.
Man on cell: Is it? I have no sense of time anymore without my computer. Everything is on my computer. Well, I guess I’m leaving Thursday then.

–M1 bus

Overheard by: Coulda sworn it was Monday.

Posted on December 28, 2006
On Cell, On the Bus, Time, Travel

No-Class Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: Man, it was harder to cheat on that test than to just do it!

–23rd & Lex

Overheard by: Lisa

Girl on cell: Yo! I’m in class trying to act all straight, and it’s hard. No, I have a test right now. I took like four o’ that shit. I have to go, my professor’s here.

–John Jay College of Criminal Justice

Overheard by: hannah

JAP: Well, the professor hates me. He only thinks of me as the girl who leaves 20 minutes into his class, and I don’t know how to change it.

–Shun Lee Palace

Overheard by: colette

Student: Shit, my iPod is more important than my classes.

–Borough of Manhattan Community College

Overheard by: Caitl

Hipster teen: He got rejected from community college? He must have written on his essay, ‘I want to prey on Bronx Science kids and mug them.’

–6 train, 68th St

Overheard by: glad they went to private school

Posted on December 27, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Education, Hipsters, iPod, JAPs, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Students, Teens

Tales from Wednesday One-Liners’ Crypt

Man on cell: What are you, some sort of reverse vampire?

–C train

Dude: And there were unicorns exploding in the background… or at least doing whatever it is unicorns do.

–Live Bait, 23rd St

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chick: You kind of look like a vampire in this picture. But a cool vampire! Like, if you were in The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland would totally want to have sex with you.

–55th & 6th

Overheard by: wants to have sex with Kiefer Sutherland

Drunk hobo chuckling: You people look depressed! I know how to cheer you up. I’ll sing my favorite song! ‘Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead…’ [Looks around] Hmmm… [Notices the train going express] What the…? I need a new mathematician! I need a new mathematician!

–6 train making express stops on a surprise basis

Overheard by: Barry Negrin

Sax-wielding hobo: I am an alien! From outer space! Not from Mexico!

–L train

Overheard by: Alex P. Keaton

Ricky’s employee: Looks like I’m all out in the fairy department.

–58th & Broadway

Mom: Johnny, put down the sword. Vampires don’t use weapons. Their teeth are their weapons.

–Halloween shop, 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Posted on December 6, 2006
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cashiers, Drunks, Global Geography, Hobos, Holidays, Innuendo, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Singing, Store, The Village, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

Wednesday One-Liners in Babeland

Woman on cell: Putting something inside you that vibrates is sort of like being at a construction site. I’m still getting used to my vibrator, too…

–Herald Square

Overheard by: GG

Geeky chick on cell: Sheesh, you’re just wearing her gloves, not reusing one of her condoms!

–4 train

Man on cell, paddle-boating with girlfriend: Hey, man! Yeah, I’m with my whip on the lake — she’s paddling me around!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Beauty on cell: Fuck you! What about the Astroglide? Fuck you! What about the rubbers? Fuck you, you asshole! Fuck you! Fuck you!

–W 4th St

Overheard by: cato

30-something lady on cell: I have told you: I am absolutely not going to wear that outfit when I have sex with you. I mean it!

–8th and 36th

Suit on cell: So they gave me this amazing cream for my burn that made my skin amazingly soft — you know, like Astroglide.

–80 Central Park West & 68th St

Overheard by: Ray Zinbran

Teacher: We need our high-power sexual devices!

–Brooklyn Tech

Posted on November 22, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Condoms, Dildos and Vibrators, Kink, Lube, On Cell, Wednesday One-Liners

On Cell