Dreadlocked guy: I’m a customer and you’re saying I can’t use the restroom?
Ambiguously ethnic deli owner: You can’t use it this often. You come here every day and stay there for 20-25 minutes. I don’t know what you’re doing in there.
Dreadlocked guy: Well if you want to get so technical, the first time I was taking a dump.
–34th & 1st
Teen boy #1: Fuck, these fucking Fig Newtons taste like shit. And what the fuck is a fig, anyway?
Teen boy #2: I don’t know, but whatever the fuck it is, it looks like you’re eating a shit cookie.
–51st between 9th & 10th
Hipster chick #1: Did you get to use the bathroom?
Hipster chick #2: No! They said it was for patrons only.
Hipster chick #3: What’s a patron?
Hipster chick #2: I dunno. I think it has something to do with being in the army.
–45th & Broadway
Woman #1: Oh, hi. How are you?
Woman #2: Oh… Okay… I think I have diarrhea.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: vm
White guy with dreads: Think about this — taking a shit is the one thing in which all people of all races, sexes and religions are truly equal.
Hippie girl: Not exactly. Some people shit on solid gold toilet bowls while others shit in a bucket.
Little boy at next table, standing on booth seat: I shit in my pants! Hahaha!
–Wo Hop, 15 Mott St
Overheard by: Big Larry
Stranger: Hi, cutie! What a handsome little boy you are!
Toddler boy exiting stall with mom: I got a hair cut, and I just made a big poop!
Stranger: Um, okay.
–Ladies’ room, LIRR
Overheard by: Cathleen B
Gym Guy #1: Just weighed myself.
Gym Guy #2: Oh, yeah?
Gym Guy #1: 172 pounds after a shit.
–Wall Street NYSC
Overheard by: Bailey Wier
Thug to friend: That bitch looked up at me and said, "Damn, your dick tastes like coffee."
–86th St & Lexington
Overheard by: TINA
Female suit to other: Duane Reade is like the Starbucks of drugstores!
–Duane Reade
Old lady with shopping cart, exiting voting booth: Where's my Starbucks coupon?
–PS163, Bath Beach, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Torgo61
Guy on cell: Hey, bro! I'm having coffee and a bagel. (pause) No, an animal did not have to die for me to have this coffee!
–Arthur Avenue
Overheard by: eternal student
Man with heavy Indian accent holding a cup of Starbucks coffee: No, the most expensive coffee in the world is coffee beans eaten and then pooped out by a cat. It's $120 a cup.
–Elevator, 7th Ave & 31st St
