Shade-Grown, Slow-Roasted Wednesday One-Liners

Thug to friend: That bitch looked up at me and said, "Damn, your dick tastes like coffee."

–86th St & Lexington

Overheard by: TINA

Female suit to other: Duane Reade is like the Starbucks of drugstores!

–Duane Reade

Old lady with shopping cart, exiting voting booth: Where's my Starbucks coupon?

–PS163, Bath Beach, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Torgo61

Guy on cell: Hey, bro! I'm having coffee and a bagel. (pause) No, an animal did not have to die for me to have this coffee!

–Arthur Avenue

Overheard by: eternal student

Man with heavy Indian accent holding a cup of Starbucks coffee: No, the most expensive coffee in the world is coffee beans eaten and then pooped out by a cat. It's $120 a cup.

–Elevator, 7th Ave & 31st St

Posted on August 24, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, BJs, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Coffee, Compare/Contrast, Duane Reade, Friends, Gay Man's Best Friend, Guys, India Indians, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Money & Class, Nicknames & name calling, Old People, One-liners, Penis, Poop, Questions, School, Sensory Experiences, Shopping, Street, Suits, The Bronx, Thugs, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

A Thousand Pardons, Mr. Feces

Man #1, bumping into another: I'm sorry.
Man #2: C'mon man, watch where you're going. I'm the shit, man!

–South Ferry 1 Station

Posted on August 22, 2014
Accidents, Apologies, Ferry, Men, Poop

I Can Teach You, But I Have to Charge

Snappy white woman from Long Island to group of noisy black kids with a baby carriage: When are you guys getting off this bus? I need to know when. Just tell me what stop you’re getting off at so I can decide whether I need to catch another one.

The baby’s mother has her breast out and is squeezing and batting it around, a look of glee on her face. The baby is fast asleep in the stroller.

Mother: Look, milk comin’ out of it!!
Long Island woman: Seriously, when are you getting off?

–M15 bus downtown

Overheard by: hannah g

Posted on August 21, 2014
B & T, Body Parts, Etiquette, Health and Hygiene, Manhattan, Masturbation, On the Bus, Parents, Poop, Sex, Sex & Relationships

“Two Girls, One Envelope” Debuts on YouTube

Girl #1: So, we left the bar in a taxi and I had to go to the bathroom real bad.
Girl #2: What did you do?
Girl #1: There was an envelope in the cab, so I used it. Yes that was the time I pooped in an envelope in a taxi!

–2nd Ave Bus

Posted on August 20, 2014
Default, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, On the Bus, Poop, Public Transportation, Weirdness

You'll Be Shitting on Top Of the World

Hot man, in consultative tone: Very underrated how taking a huge dump can improve your day.
Hot woman: Seriously!
Hot man: I have something for you. Something that will change your life. I'm completely serious. Have you ever tried Metamucil?
Hot woman: No.
Hot man: You will take the most massive dumps ever and feel great. It's like weightlifting for your bowels.

–26th & Madison Ave

Posted on August 15, 2014
Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Happiness, Medicine, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Poop, Questions, Women

We Are So Acing This Biology Presentation

Dude #1: So, it’s a scientific fact that dudes enjoy taking dumps more than girls enjoy taking dumps.
Dude #2: Yeah, totally. Because of the prosta–
Dude #3: –Yeah! Man, ’cause girls take, like, huge dumps. I mean, I am talking Coke can-sized. Like, you think they’re all dainty and everything, but when it comes down to it I think girls take bigger dumps than dudes, and they can’t enjoy it because they’re pressing grenades out of their asses.

–48th & 6th

Overheard by: matt stohrer

Posted on August 14, 2014
Idiots, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Poop

Why Plumbers Usually Have Offices in Chelsea

Drunk chick #1: You know, you were totally right. I come so much harder from anal!
Drunk chick #2: See! I told you it was the best. Except… Well… I told you about that one problem.
Drunk chick #1: Yeah, I know. Now I take the most enormous shits ever!

A gay couple is standing a few feet away, laughing hysterically.

Queer: Oh, honey, you’re preaching to the choir out here.

–Crobar, W 27th St