Man #1, bumping into another: I'm sorry.
Man #2: C'mon man, watch where you're going. I'm the shit, man!
–South Ferry 1 Station
Snappy white woman from Long Island to group of noisy black kids with a baby carriage: When are you guys getting off this bus? I need to know when. Just tell me what stop you’re getting off at so I can decide whether I need to catch another one.
The baby’s mother has her breast out and is squeezing and batting it around, a look of glee on her face. The baby is fast asleep in the stroller.
Mother: Look, milk comin’ out of it!!
Long Island woman: Seriously, when are you getting off?
–M15 bus downtown
Overheard by: hannah g
Girl #1: So, we left the bar in a taxi and I had to go to the bathroom real bad.
Girl #2: What did you do?
Girl #1: There was an envelope in the cab, so I used it. Yes that was the time I pooped in an envelope in a taxi!
–2nd Ave Bus
Hot man, in consultative tone: Very underrated how taking a huge dump can improve your day.
Hot woman: Seriously!
Hot man: I have something for you. Something that will change your life. I'm completely serious. Have you ever tried Metamucil?
Hot woman: No.
Hot man: You will take the most massive dumps ever and feel great. It's like weightlifting for your bowels.
–26th & Madison Ave
Dude #1: So, it’s a scientific fact that dudes enjoy taking dumps more than girls enjoy taking dumps.
Dude #2: Yeah, totally. Because of the prosta–
Dude #3: –Yeah! Man, ’cause girls take, like, huge dumps. I mean, I am talking Coke can-sized. Like, you think they’re all dainty and everything, but when it comes down to it I think girls take bigger dumps than dudes, and they can’t enjoy it because they’re pressing grenades out of their asses.
–48th & 6th
Overheard by: matt stohrer
Drunk chick #1: You know, you were totally right. I come so much harder from anal!
Drunk chick #2: See! I told you it was the best. Except… Well… I told you about that one problem.
Drunk chick #1: Yeah, I know. Now I take the most enormous shits ever!
A gay couple is standing a few feet away, laughing hysterically.
Queer: Oh, honey, you’re preaching to the choir out here.
–Crobar, W 27th St
Mother: When you go into the stall do not sit down on that toilet seat!
Girl: OK, Mommy.
Mother closes the door and goes into the next stall.
Girl: Mommy?
Mother: Yes?
Girl: I’m sittin’ all over this toilet!
Mother: Girl, I told you not to sit on that toilet!
–Wendy’s ladies room, W. 34th and 8th Ave
Cum slut: I thought the spermicide would take the sperm away. But it stayed in there and just got itchy. And burns.
–Ginger, Ave. A
Overheard by: Tibbie X
Tough-looking guy to tough-looking friend: Manhattan is all about shitpiles.
— Manhattan
Super: Toilet’s fixed. Sorry I was so gruff before, but my hands were full of shit.
–Ave A
