JAP: I almost pooped my pants.
Boy: When?
JAP: Just now.
–4 train, 59th & Lex
JAP: I almost pooped my pants.
Boy: When?
JAP: Just now.
–4 train, 59th & Lex
Woman #1: This line is ridiculous. Is everyone here to see the Annie Leibovitz show?
Woman #2: I guess so.
Woman #1: I haven’t seen the line be this bad since the poop exhibit.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: Remember? That crazy poop show? Giuliani wanted it banned, so everyone came to see it…
Woman #2: Oh! The poop show! That was good.
–Brooklyn Museum of Art
Overheard by: Aria Grillo
Little girl exiting restroom: Mommy! I’m not afraid to have a baby anymore!
Mother: Huh?
Little girl: I just had the biggest poop ever!
–McDonald’s
Drunk guy: Can you wipe my ass for me?
Drunk girl: You’re a grown-ass man! Wipe your own ass!
–Outside bathroom in O’Conners Bar, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Next in line
Queer: And my boyfriend like, totally, oh my god, reached across the table… Like, across the table and strangled me. I seriously couldn’t breathe. Like, he strangled me. Here, put down your coffee, he did this [reaches across table and strangles ghetto black man]. Isn’t that crazy? Like, what the fuck would you do?
Ghetto black man: Poop.
–Starbucks, 16th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Erica
Voice from stall: God, will you give me a sign?
–Restroom, United Nations
Overheard by: Nicolas
Girl in stall: Ugh! The toilet paper is totally not loving me!
–Restroom, Starbucks
Woman crammed in restroom stall with two girls: Okay, hold on… Alright, now. So, tell me what’s up! How do you girls like school?
–Mustang Harry’s, 34th St
Overheard by: Rachel Jordan
Man at urinal: Ow! …That’s not good.
–Restroom, Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: RG
African dude settling into urinal stance: Lookie-here, what’ve we got here? Lookie-here at what we have!
–Restroom, Washington Square Park
Overheard by: off white
Voice from Port-a-Potty: Oh baby, oh baby. Yes!
–Gramercy Park
Girl #1: But what exactly does that mean, ‘Doesn’t shit where he eats’? I’ll kick his ass…
Girl #2: It means ‘not dating someone you work with.’
Girl #1: Oh, okay. I thought he was saying my pussy smells bad…
–Nation Bar, 45th St
Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?
–Chinatown bus
Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.
–3rd Ave
Overheard by: renata
Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn’t cover is the sperm!
–20th & 5th
Overheard by: I want to get on her plan
Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.
–1 train
Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.
–5th Ave
NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?
–Waverly & Broadway
Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?
–Fordham University
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
Asian guy: No, that was some pretty diarrhea. Did you see it?
Mexican guy: It was crazy, man. Wooo.
Asian guy: It was pretty diarrhea. Really.
Mexican guy: So pretty. We don’t got that shit in Mexico.
–Time-Life building lobby
Banker #1: Have you ever thought about what your wife’s shit looks like?
Banker #2: Yeah. I bet it’s really tiny because she’s really tiny.
–F/V subway station, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: threw up in my mouth
