Wednesday One-Liners Have More Stomachs Than a Cow

Teen boy: I like touching fat people.

–69th St & 5th Ave, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Guy to friends: So I was on the subway the other day and I was counting some guys’ chins and I realized, I’m just not a nice person.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: CUMT

Large black woman on cell: Of course I’m loud, I’m fat!

–25th & 8th

Overheard by: Beckerman

Chick to guy: I’m thinking of keeping it, as an excuse to get fat.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Ladle

30-something with heavy NYC accent: Ya know, if I had to do high school all over again, I woulda fucked a fat chick. I wouldna cared so much.

–34th & 5th

Man yelling on cell: I would be so much better at Jeopardy then her! Her fat Indian hands can’t hit the button as fast as I can!

–35rd St & 5th Ave

Female house manager: He comes over and he’s like: "What are you doing?" and I said: "My job." and he goes: "You’re fat."

–Theater, St Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Mariah

Posted on September 4, 2014
9 to 5-ers, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Boys, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Education, Friends, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Physical appearance, Questions, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Teens, Theater, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One Liners Lie about Their Size

Loud guy: I can turn my dick into a Whopper with fries!

–MacDougal Ale House

Overheard by: Ladle

Small Indian boy: Penis! Penis! [His mother scolds him in Hindi.] … Penis!

–47th & 5th

10-year-old boy to friends: … And then he drew, like, three penises! And then I had to get home in, like, three and a half seconds!

–11th & 3rd

Overheard by: Hannah

Suit to another: Jesus Christ! It’s not my fault your penis drips!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Sydney

Dude to friend: Let’s think of words that rhyme with ‘dick.’

–49th & 7th

Pre-med chick: We had this cadaver in lab that we called ‘Schlongo’ because his penis was a foot long. No, seriously, it was really a foot long!

–Bodies Exhibit

Overheard by: a.j.w.

Posted on August 31, 2014
Bars & Clubs, Books & Writing, Death, Default, Gripes, Guys, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Museums, Penis, Students, Suits, The Village, Time, Times Square, Visual Art, Weirdness

It's Hard to Save Face Once You Admit to Owning Decorative Pillows

Bro #1, concerned: What the hell happened to your face?
Bro #2, dazed: What? (pause) Oh. I fell asleep on a decorative pillow.

–Times Square

Posted on August 30, 2014
Accidents, Body Parts, Friends, Physical appearance, Questions, Times Square

Complete with the “Experimenting”

Cop: All right guy, you have two options–
Old man: Let me guess, you gonna lock me up? Man, I go to jail like summer camp.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Toon

Posted on August 26, 2014
Cops, Old People, Prison, Threats, Times Square

Maybe in a Separate Glass

Guy: Can I get a vodka on the rocks?
Bartender: Would you like ice in that?

–The Russian Vodka Room, Times Square

Posted on August 17, 2014
Bars & Clubs, Bartenders, Customers, Drinking & Drunk People, Offers and requests, Questions, Stupidity, Times Square

Next Time, He'll Leave Them in the Woods

Girl in heels to friends, trailing behind teacher: Look at him trying to shake us! Ain't never gonna happen. (calls ahead loudly) Mr. Daniels! Can we go to Sephora?
Teacher: (looks over shoulder, goes from fast walk to jog)

–Times Square

Overheard by: Scarface

Posted on August 16, 2014
Friends, Girls, Offers and requests, Shopping, Teachers/Professors, Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Love the Rear Naked Choke

Girl to another: And she went to get into her car. I was like "you'd better get out of here or I'm gonna fuck you up." And she was all slamming the door and stopping over to me. And I was all in her face and bitch-slapped her. Well, that last part might have been a dream. But then she got into her car and left.

–NY Central Library

Overheard by: amused

Woman on cell: Hi, Annie! How are you? (pause) I'm going to get my ass kicked by a very big black man.

–Park Slope

Suit on cell: If you don't stop hanging up on me, I will kick you in the throat.

–Times Square

Guy on cell, very loudly: Yeah, but, so nobody knows about it except me and the other guys in the fight club.

–21st St & Broadway

Overheard by: Alex

20-something girl: And then she chloroformed me. (pause) I said that too loud.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Russ

Posted on August 8, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Bitch-slap, Body Parts, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dreams, Girls, Guys, Kick, Library, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Penn Station, Race, Suits, Threats, Times Square, Train Station, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Someone’s Got S-E-X on His Mind

Guy: You need a new mattress? Why not call 1-800-M-A-T-T-R-E-S?
Girl: Ha, ha! Nah.
Guy: Then there’s gotta be some local places. You should be able to get a mattress for $100.

–40th & 7th

Posted on August 6, 2014
Business and Commerce, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Places, Times Square

Go Back to Israel!

Jewess: That’s the third time you mentioned Jews. What’s wrong with Jews?
Goy: They are demanding, confrontational, and have a hard time telling the truth. What religion are you, anyway?
Jewess: Uh…Baptist.

–Times Square

Overheard by: J. Peter Jones

Posted on August 3, 2014
Foreigners, Jews, Race, Times Square