Weirdness

Every Night, I Pray for More Wednesday One-Liners

Disgruntled MTA worker, to no one in particular: See? I don't like human beings all that much. I like animals, they mo' fo' real. (venomously) Y'all better be glad I'm not god.

–6 Train

30-something white guy to friends: I live in Mesopotamia, 'cause the gods are gangsta!

–W 83rd & Columbus Ave

Older MTA worker, comforting young passenger: GPS: Guidance, patience, strength. Give it over to god. Trust that motherfucker is going to handle it. Give me GPS and I can handle the rest!

–Union Square Subway Stop

Bag lady, drenched in rain: The joke's on you, god!

–9th St & University Place

20-something guy on phone: So then she tells me the reason my dad died is because god was trying to hurt me!

–Union Square

Overheard by: talker's remorse

30-something: I mean…he's a good looking guy, but then he found god.

–39th St

Wednesday One-Liners Have the Reich Stuff

Fat guy in telephone booth: Yeah, well, Hitler invented the Volkswagen bus.

–7th Ave & Waverly

Overheard by: Mark Martin

Woman in alpine hat to another: I was not about to drag your half-conscious ass around a concentration camp!

–Zum Schneider German Restaurant/Bar

Overheard by: Nella

Guy: Jury duty is like the Holocaust. They put you in line and march you into a strange room.

–Off The Wagon Restaurant

Overheard by: thankfully not jewish

Teen boy: Yeah, after I watched that movie I couldn't talk to German people at all. For like a month afterwards, every time I saw a person who looked German I was like, "you evil, evil Nazi!"

–Bull Statue, Bowling Green

Little boy to friends: And next year, we're going to assassinate Hitler!

–66th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Liz

What the Fuck?

Girl: So I saw JT last night.
Friend: The guy with the ear-wax fetish?!

–Times Square

Overheard by: lilah

I'm Talking No-Beer-Goggles Cute

Drunk girl on phone: Yeah, so I decided that I'll go on a date with you. (pause) Well, I made out with some guy tonight and… (pause) No, I don't think he's cuter than you. He's not really cute at all!
Guy she made out with: Um, I'm right here.
Drunk girl: Shhhhhhhhhh, I'm setting up a date with a cute guy!

–1st Ave & 8th St

Overheard by: amused

That Doesn't Happen at Your Church?

Julliard student #1: And served it with the brains and everything…a whole chicken.
Julliard student #2: That's disgusting.
Julliard student #1: Yeah, it was sweet.

–Lincoln Center

…Unless You're Going to Prank Call Her.

Disheveled middle aged man: You are drunk! You are drunk! You are drunk!
Drunk disheveled middle aged woman, leaning against car: Don't you ever call my mother on Mother's Day again.

–Washington Heights

Overheard by: Tess

A Long Time Ago, Baby. Now Fuck Off.

White man: You going to church too?
Black woman: Yes.
White man: You know, I just started crying last week at service. It is so powerful.
Black woman: I know.
White man: I mean, our next President will be the last President before the Antichrist comes. Are you ready to be saved?

–Foster Ave & Marlborough Rd, Brooklyn

Why You Gotta Be Ignorant All Your Life?

Gangsta #1: Yo, before meiosis shit's gotta do DNA replication.
Gangsta #2: What you talkin about? It just splits in fuckin half.
Gangsta #1: Nigga, you dumb.

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: I Love Biology

Don't Even Ask Her About “Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho”

Dopey guy: Oh yeah, Phenomena!
Girlfriend: No, it's “mahna mahna”… The Muppets, right?
Dopey guy: But I always thought it was “Phenomena”! Like…Phenomenon.
Girlfriend: No. (sighs)

–Subway, 29th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Jane

While I'm Coming, I'm Like, “Heeeere's Johnny!”

Guy #1: I jack off and eat at the same time! It's easy!
Guy #2: What? How can you do that? That's gross!
Guy #1: I do it all the time! One hand on my pizza and the other on Johnny!
Guy #2: TMI!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Olee

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