Balls

I Wanna Dip My Wednesday One-Liners in It!

Dude, walking up to security desk in emergency room: Hi. It feels like my balls are about to fall off.

–St. Lukes Roosevelt Hospital

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

Stoner chick: The girls are all hairy balls, and the photos look like hairy balls, and they wear hairy ball sacks, but Tyra is the biggest hairy ball of them all.

–7 train

Overheard by: bronwyn

Out-of-place guido: I ain’t wearing nothin’ that touches my balls to my asshole!

–8th Ave

Overheard by: finds it comforting

Teenage boy to friends, about a movie: Yooo, it’s like a chick flick with balls!!! You know, like a guy’s chick flick!!!"

–E 85th St & 3rd Ave

Guy: I use Burt’s bees for my balls.

–Broadway & W 4th

Overheard by: Jake R

Guy #1 to guy #2: I really think you’d feel a lot better if you felt my balls.

–6th Ave & Bleecker

You Stick to Strip Poker, Mr. Hobo

Girl: What the fuck are you doing?
Guy: It was the train.
Girl: No, it fucking wasn’t.
Guy: I thought it would be fun.
Girl: You know what would be fun? Me kicking you in the balls.
Guy: That wouldn’t be fun.
Hobo: That would be a shitload of fun! Can I play?

–A train

Overheard by: Gradie Smith

And Get a Professional Assessment Of the Area

Dude #1: Yeah, I'm talking about my scrotum.
Dude #2: Just to be specific.
Dude #1: My nutsack. (pause) Man, I gotta go back to that strip club.

–55th b/w 5th & 6th

Smells Like Wednesday One-liners

Girl: Don’t walk me behind me, I’m about to fart.

–Times Square station

Girl: God, it smells like an armpit farted in here.

–Rififi, E. 11th Street

Overheard by: Miso

Guy on cell: Baby, baby, please, listen, I just, I’m almost there, c’mon, I’m comin’ up on your building now, baby, don’t be like that! Look out the window and you’ll see me! Shit, you can smell me, baby.

–12th & D

Fratboy: My shorts smell like a little boy’s balls.

–Coney Island beach

Overheard by: Alissa

Woman: Just so you know, it smells like someone urinated in there.

–Banana Republic, 16th & 5th

Overheard by: beth wren

Erika Would Have a Flashback to This Moment Years Later in a College Dorm Room

Little girl: Look at all the balls!
Dad: No! No! Don't touch them!

–79th & Lexington

Overheard by: chiggie

Twin African Spiny Hedgehogs

Guy #1: Do you have grey hair on your neck too?
Guy #2: Yeah, I do.
Guy #1: Oh, thank god, I thought I was the only one.
Guy #3: Don't worry, you should see my testicles.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Steve

And If Not, Ask Your Father, If You’ve Got the Balls

Young boy: Mom, what are those two things?
Mom, reading display: That’s your scrotum, right there…
Young boy: What’s a scrotum?
Mom: It’s your… That thing… Oh, you know what it is!

–Bodies Exhibit

Overheard by: Marty

…As I Used to Do, in My Youth.

Old man #1: I been walking around all day with a hole in my pants and didn't know it.
Old man #2: When did you figure it out?
Old man #1: When I sat on the seat on the train and one of my balls felt like I dipped it in a bowl of ice cream.

–DUMBO

I Probably Do Have Standards

Girl in stall: I love his tiny Irish Balls. But hey, that guy is pretty cute.
Friend: yeah, I know right. I mean, if he wasn’t cute, I wouldn’t let him keep grabbing my crotch. right?

–Ladies Room, Red Rock West

Overheard by: Rachel

Dad's Still Hoping for a Little Lesbian

Little girl, pointing at a bathtub full of candy balls: What are those, daddy?
Dad: Those balls are dirty.

–Candy Shop, 63rd St & 3rd Ave

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