BJs

Wednesday One-Liners Try to Suck Their Own When No One’s Around

Hot chick: What’s the use of having penis-shaped cake pans if you’re not going to put them to use at least once a year?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Gnometastic

Man on cell: Promise me, when you see the giant penis, you will NOT laugh!

–78th between 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Stacy in the City

Guy: So I was sucking this guy’s dick… and he has kids!

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Ryan

Guido: So did anyone else besides you have a cock in their mouth?

–75th & 3rd

Overheard by: Cody

Careful planner: Now we have to get it out of your pocket and onto your penis.

–168th & Broadway

Guy on cell: So, how many inches do you think I am?

–Columbia University

Teen boy, looking into sex shop: Ooohhh…they got the dick pump!

–38th & 8th

Only If She Has Braces

Hipster #1: And the funny thing was… she had no curtains, right?
Hipster #2: Yeah?
Hipster #1: Yeah, and I mean I wasn’t entirely comfortable with that, but what was I supposed to say, “I’m not comfortable with my penis in your mouth right now”?
Hipster #2: Obviously you weren’t gonna say that!

–Duane Reade, 23rd between 6th & 7th

The Market Value of a Call From Mike Is Apparently Fairly High

Girl #1: Yeah, so Mike and Nicole talk every day now!
Girl #2: What the fuck? Mike never calls me. I haven’t talked to him in weeks. What an asshole!
Girl #1: When was the last time you gave Mike a blowjob?

–Bed Bath & Beyond, 61st & 1st

Overheard by: i don’t want to give mike a bj

He Used to Be a Pro, But Now He Just Freelances

Suit #1: So this is Manhattan.
Suit #2: I need a blowjob.
Hobo: How much you paying?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: James Dean

Or You Could Whack Off and Put It Into Your IRA

Shrewd consumer: Can you believe it?! A beer costs $7 here! I can buy a hooker and get a blow job for that price!

–Heartland Brewery, Union Square

Overheard by: only in new york

Wednesday One-Liners Go Down

Suit: I’d leave my wife for her if her clit didn’t taste like a spicy tuna roll.

–Chambers & Broadway

Girl on cell: I don’t care how many fingers you put in her. Bottom line is, she didn’t blow you. So I win.

–Times Square

Overheard by: shap

Utilitarian guy: A blow job is better than no job.

–Sex Work Conference, The New School

Overheard by: wendy

Girl: $50 for a 2-minute bj? I’d do it. It takes me 8 hours to make $50. Shit.

–Queens bound F train

Overheard by: Marisa

Dude: So, did she orgasm in your mouth?

–219 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Hipster: I’m thinking of getting that little string thing attached to my tongue cut off so I can eat pussy better.

–Chinatown bus

Queer #1 to queer #2: Well if I’m not giving you head and you’re not giving me head then we’ve got a problem.

–Wachovia, 17th & 7th

Overheard by: Joanna

Sounds Like Protesting Too Much

Chick #1: Blowjobs, yeah, it takes practice. After you do it three or four times you get the hang of it.
Chick #2: Have you ever done black?
Chick #3: No, but it’s so disgusting. Just imagine a black…thing in your mouth. Eww.
Chick #1: It is pretty nasty. It must taste really bad, too.

–Uptown F train

Overheard by: Ting

She’s Still Upset About the Dirty Sanchez

Girlfriend, to boyfriend walking out of the bathroom: Did you wash your hands? [Takes his hand] Ew! No, you didn’t!
Boyfriend: You put it in your mouth. I think I’ll be all right to touch it every once in awhile.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Clay Parrish

Sucked Not Having Him There

Suit #1: Why wasn’t Andrew at the office?
Suit #2: He took a blow-job day.

–6th Ave

Overheard by: someone in the wrong line of work

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Good Source of Protein

Little boy, to passerby: That’s why I ejaculated in your mom’s nose!

–Prospect Park, Brooklyn

Chick: See, I don’t like the idea of drinking semen not directly from the cock.

–Harlem

Overheard by: McN

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