BJs

Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything to Get This Part

Girl: Seriously, I’d give, like, 20 blowjobs to get an apartment.

–Barna, 26th & Park

Overheard by: Greg

Crazy guy: I gotta stop eating pussy. I’m losing my breath.

–F train

Girl to guy: If you don’t like oral sex, don’t open your mouth.

–68th St station

Overheard by: liza

Guy defending self to group of friends: I’ve tasted pussy!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Reina

Guy on cell: Which one? Me sucking dick or San Francisco?

–Wagner College, Staten Island

Teen girl: I need balls in my mouth.

–Disney Store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Gin

Ghetto teen: And so she was suckin’ my dick, and there was a 10 dollar bill on the table, and — get this — when she stopped suckin’, it was gone! Bitch took my money!

–Fulton Mall, Brooklyn

Overheard by: djingo

Pentagon: Why Didn’t We Think of That?

Ghetto kid #1: Yo, Cam’ron be doin’ some gay shit!
Ghetto kid #2: Nah, but he always calls ‘no homo’ so it’s aight.
Ghetto kid #1: So if Cam’ron asked you to suck his dick ‘no homo,’ would you?
Ghetto kid #2: Well, if he called ‘no homo…’

–B9 bus, Ave M

‘Walking the Batter’, It’s Called

Woman #1: No, fingering is third base. Blow jobs don’t have a base.
Woman #2: Wait. Blow jobs don’t have a base?
Woman #1: Nope. That’s how we roll in Jersey.

–F train platform, Jay St station

You Win This Round, Holmes

Guy #1: You should go back to sucking dick, that’s what you’re good at.
Guy #2: You would know… Damn it!

–Washington Place & Broadway

Overheard by: NewYorkerNick

She Keeps it in Her Purse

Boy #1: They’ve been broken up for two weeks and she’s still suckin’ his dick.
Boy #2: Yeah.

–Fordham University, Rose Hill campus

Overheard by: Brendan

Any Alley Will Do

Drunk queer #1: Hey, let’s get some food!
Drunk queer #2: I don’t have any money!
Drunk queer #1: That’s alright. Papi will pay…if you nibble his foreskin!
Drunk queer #2: Alright. Where do you wanna go?

–17th & 5th

Wednesday One-Liners Didn’t Listen to Nancy Reagan

Black guy on cell: Yea! Yea! He just called me up. I was like, "Yo, stop callin me up"… Yea!…. Yea my sister’s on crack!

–Houston & Essex

Overheard by: saywhat?

Suit: Well, I’m a drug dealer, so I have a phone for each kind: a pot phone, a coke phone, you know…

–R train

Queer on cell: Oh my God. I left the check at home. I am such a fucking idiot. I am such a FUCKING idiot! Yeah, I’ll be there at six. Ok. I’ll bring you E and orange juice.

–Bank of America, 6th Ave

Overheard by: CarrieBoo

Bum: Hey… can you spare me $20 dollars, so I can buy some crack cocaine? I mean, I’ll share it with you. I have enough for a 10 but I want a chicken head to slob on my knob while I take a hit…

–96th St Subway Station 1,2,3

Overheard by: Franco

Smooth talker: So my ex-girlfriend was a blonde Long Islander cokehead and now here I am with you. So you can see this is a real step down.

–Les Enfants Terrible, Canal & Ludlow

Overheard by: wants to meet the ex

Hipster: You OD’d? WHERE?

–14th & 6th

Bitter ex: And fuck him and his fuckin’ wooden leg that I didn’t even know he sold crack out of!

–80th & 3rd

Disgusted hipster: I mean, I only do drugs as a joke!

–14th St L station

Overheard by: Em

The Jell-O of Sex

Queer #1: I’m stuffed.
Queer #2: Yeah. I’m not gonna put another thing in my mouth tonight unless it’s a cock.

–18th & 8th

Wednesday One-Liners Try to Suck Their Own When No One’s Around

Hot chick: What’s the use of having penis-shaped cake pans if you’re not going to put them to use at least once a year?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Gnometastic

Man on cell: Promise me, when you see the giant penis, you will NOT laugh!

–78th between 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Stacy in the City

Guy: So I was sucking this guy’s dick… and he has kids!

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Ryan

Guido: So did anyone else besides you have a cock in their mouth?

–75th & 3rd

Overheard by: Cody

Careful planner: Now we have to get it out of your pocket and onto your penis.

–168th & Broadway

Guy on cell: So, how many inches do you think I am?

–Columbia University

Teen boy, looking into sex shop: Ooohhh…they got the dick pump!

–38th & 8th

Only If She Has Braces

Hipster #1: And the funny thing was… she had no curtains, right?
Hipster #2: Yeah?
Hipster #1: Yeah, and I mean I wasn’t entirely comfortable with that, but what was I supposed to say, “I’m not comfortable with my penis in your mouth right now”?
Hipster #2: Obviously you weren’t gonna say that!

–Duane Reade, 23rd between 6th & 7th

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