Wednesdays You Don't Need, at One-Liners You Can't Afford

Guy rushing past crowd: Why would I go to work on the day of Barneys Warehouse sale…are you insane?

–78th & Broadway

20-something white guy: Enough of this hippie shit. Let's go to the four floor Abercrombie.

–Strawberry Fields

Overheard by: Alison

Girl: I was so depressed. I actually almost bought that leather jacket from Express. Whose bright idea was it to have the MCAT testing center in a shopping district?

–1 Train

20-something woman to another: Wow, it's just like the Westchester mall here, only outside.

–Bleecker & W 10th

Very Caucasian tourist: Holy frick! Where is The Gap?

–42nd & Broadway

Middle aged woman in hot pink, yelling: I won't shop today! I will not shop! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I will not fucking shop today! I won't shop! Fuck you!

–Urban Outfitters

Posted on January 14, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Crazy, Girls, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Questions, School and studying, Shopping, Store, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Tourism, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

Before or After We Run Them Up the Flagpole?

Guy: I mean, I called after him but he had already left.
Girl: So now you're stuck with his pants?
Guy: Yeah, I wonder when he'll notice.

–Stuyvesant High School

Posted on January 12, 2009
Clothing, Girls, Guys, Stuyvesant, Weirdness

Me, Too!

Three-year-old, greeting grandma in Starbucks: Grandma! Grandma! Hey grandma, are you wearing your special underpants? Are you wearing your special underpants, grandma?
Grandma (laughing): Yes, yes.

–Brooklyn Heights Starbucks

Posted on January 11, 2009
Brooklyn, Clothing, Families, Family Ties, Kids, Questions, Starbucks, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liner Menthols

Suit to another, on smoking break: Cigarettes are out, cookies are in!

–33rd & Park Ave

Teen boy: I wanna take up smoking just to prove to people how easy it is to quit. Seriously, it's not that hard. Just don't buy a pack.

–74th & Lexington

Bum to another: And so the cops went in and found them… And you know they can't arrest them for smokin' that shit…it's part of their religion!

–23rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Francesca

Professor: The only reason valuable reason to start smoking is if you were molested as a child or some shit like that.

–Marymount Manhattan College

Girl on phone: So my roommate was bitching at me this morning for walking around in my underwear and I was like, "Dude, you got laid last night, I got yelled at by my booty call's girlfriend. I deserve to smoke cigarettes half naked on my patio."

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: innocent bystander

High school kid: Yo, I would smoke a cigarette dipped in toothpaste!

–Chambers St

Posted on January 7, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Cleanliness, Clothing, College, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Food, Girls, Hobos, Infidelity, Lower East Side, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Religion, Robbing the Cradle, Sex, Smoking, Street, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness

This Season's Most Unlikely Friendship

MTA guy: Okay, folks, everyone out! This train is going out of service! C'mon, mister, off the train! Let's go, let's go!
Hobo, dragging enormous black trash bag: I'm going, man…my bag tore. You got another bag? I need another bag.
MTA guy: You want a bag from me? Damn! They hardly pay me anything, I can barely feed my family, when we go on strike y'all get mad at us, and now you want a bag? Ease up, man, ease up!
(pause)
MTA guy: Hey, man, your pants are falling down.
Hobo: Yeah, I can't keep 'em up.
MTA guy: You know why that is? 'cause you got the baggy fit underneath the boot cut! With the straight cut in between!
Hobo: I used to have an overcoat. I loved that overcoat. You should have seen it. I loved that coat.
MTA guy: You got five coats already! What do you need with another one?
[pauses]Hobo: Hey, you won't believe what I saw on the train the other day.
MTA guy: What's that?
Hobo: A man beatin' up on his lady.
MTA guy: Oh yeah?
Hobo: Yeah. With his shoe.
MTA guy: With his shoe! No way, man.
Hobo: I saw it.
MTA guy: Why didn't you stop him? You should have stopped him!
Hobo: Well… He was a big guy.
MTA guy: You should have stopped him! You should have hit him with your big Santa bag! Why didn't you hit him with your big Santa bag?

–A Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on January 5, 2009
9 to 5-ers, Clothing, Hobos, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Shoes, Violence, Weirdness

What, No “Package” Joke?

Man, after quizzing guy wearing shirt that says “Lay a ghost ceremony”: “Lay a ghost ceremony”? I had to ask. I thought it was sexual.
Woman: I'm glad you did, I was wondering too.
Man: It's because I'm a Scorpio. Everything is sexual to me. Even the US Postal Service box is saying something sexual to me. I mean, come on, “All service window?” You can't tell me that doesn't sound sexual.
(woman gets her package and leaves)
Man: Have a good day! Don't forget about the all service window!

–Post Office, 14th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Erin

Posted on January 5, 2009
Clothing, Men, Post Office, Questions, Sex, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

You Just Ollied Into My Heart

Black teen, with I skate NY logo shirt: Hey, hey, what's the line for?
Confused white girl: I don't get your shirt.
Black teen: (amazed silence)
Confused white girl: Ohhh, it's a skateboard!
Black teen: Haha, yeah.
Confused white girl: No, no, I thought it was a…a picture of a guy with a unibrow and no mouth?
Black teen: Hey, lemme see your eyes…you have beautiful eyes.

–Virgin Megastore

Posted on January 4, 2009
Beauty, Black People, Body Parts, Clothing, Girls, Physical appearance, Store, Teens, White People

But Light-Drizzle Shorts Are Highly Effective

Guy #1: I know, right?
Guy #2: Yeah! Thunderpants don't work!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: eliza

Posted on January 4, 2009
Clothing, Guys, Movies, Union Square and East Village

To Attain a Future Better Than the Present, You First Have to Imagine It

Teenage Latina to friend: So I want my next man and me to have more in common. My man, he gotta dress ghetto, you know, baggy pants, piercings, and chains, but he can't be no pimp or dirty slut. He can't be having no nasty diseases. He can't have no kids or none on the way and he can't have done no time, yet.
Friend: Gattita, I hear you. But what'cha gonna do with him?
Teenage Latina: Well, he's gonna have to like scary movies and reggaeton, Mexican food, and… (pauses to think for a moment) French fries! You know, them white people's food.
Friend: Holla.

–2 Train

Overheard by: Carrie

Posted on January 2, 2009
Clothing, Ethnic Food, Friends, Kids, Latinos, Movies, Music, On the Subway, Prison, Relationships, Stupidity, Teens, Wishes & desires

Like a Lifetime of Being Doubly Oppressed?

Gay black hipster to cop: Officer, of course he stole my five dollars! It was mine. It was right there.
Straight white hippie: I did not take anything of yours.
Gay black hipster to cop: Officer, who are you gonna believe, him or me? I mean, look at him–he's not even dressed well!
Straight white hippie: Dude, I hope something seriously bad happens to you.

–Union Square Subway Station

Posted on January 1, 2009
Black People, Clothing, Cops, Hippies, Hipsters, Money & Class, On the Subway, Queer guys, Thievery, Union Square and East Village

Clothing