R.I.P. Wednesday One-Liners

Large black lady: They have all sorts of bags here: small bags, big bags — you could fit, like, nine bodies in that bag.

–The Container Store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Hannah

Fat queer: I want to be buried alive so I can eat myself out of it.

–Graham & Conselyea

Overheard by: Jesse

Girl on cell: I keep calling them and telling them not to kill him yet!

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: my roommate and me

Man on cell: Is Anne available? She’s dead? Oh, okay then.

–54th & Park

Nine-year-old boy seeing rays of sunlight enter car: We’re above ground now! Now we can’t be killed!

–N train, Queens

Posted on April 14, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Death, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Meet the Man Who Programs New York’s Crazies

Normal guy: So, you know this guy was unarmed…
Crazy beard guy: Sure.
Normal guy: Well, needless to say, people died that night. That’s all I’m sayin’.

–12th & 1st

Overheard by: Heather

Posted on April 13, 2015
Crazies, Death, Default, Guys, The Village, Violence

He’s Like a Bee Who’s Lost His Stinger

Girl: Yo, so I heard that this guy fell into a hole and was covered with molten steel and died. What a terrible way to die.
Guy: Eh, not so bad.
Girl: Well, what’s worse?
Guy: There was that guy in Germany who cut off this other guy’s penis and then ate it.
Girl: He died?
Guy: Yeah, a man dies when his dick is cut off.

–4 train

Posted on April 10, 2015
Body Parts, Death, Health and Hygiene, On the Subway, Violence

Haley Joel Osment Seems to Get Worse Roles Every Year

Teen #1: Are we there yet?
Teen #2: It's right over there.
Teen #3 (screaming): I see it! I see Atlas! It's white, I see it.
Bus driver: Yeah, and I see dead people across the street…you don't hear me screaming.

–Q29 Bus, Atlas Park Mall

Posted on April 6, 2015
Bus Drivers, Colors, Death, Directions, Malls, On the Bus, Public Transportation, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Teens, Weirdness

Meanwhile Her Ghost Will Be Right Here, Reading Me Stories.

Woman to ten-year-old daughter: And then we'll go to the cemetery to visit nana.
Four-year-old son: Can I come to the cemetery, too?!
Woman: No.
Four-year-old son, defiantly: Well, you're not going to see nana anyway. You're just going to see her grave!

–59th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Rachel C.

Posted on April 6, 2015
Death, Family Ties, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Should've Used a Condom

At Least They’ll Stop Taking American Jobs

Girl #1: Have you heard? I read dolphins are committing suicide together in ever larger numbers.
Girl #2: Is that good or bad for us?

–Dumbo

Posted on April 2, 2015
Animals & Nature, Death, Girls, Questions, Suicide

Apparently It Made Her Crave Tostitos.

Girl #1: The professor was pretty insulted when I told her the joke.
Girl #2: What was the joke?
Girl #1: How do you get a dead baby into a box? Put it in a blender. How do you get a dead baby out of the box? With Tostitos!
Girl #2: That's gross.
Girl #1: My professor was pregnant.

–Fordham University

Posted on March 31, 2015
Death, Fordham, Girls, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Weirdness

Abort Playdate! Abort Playdate!

Little girl #1: Guess what my mom told me that your mom told her the other day when we were playing? She had another baby before you and it died!
Little girl #2: No, my mom said that I’m the oldest.
Little girl #1: You are now ’cause the other one died. She died before she was even born!
Little girl #2: That’s impossible! You can’t die before you are born!
Little girl #1: Yes you can. You can die before you are born, while you are born, or after. You can die at any time and you don’t even have to do anything bad.
Little girl #2: I don’t want to play with you anymore.

–Manhattan bound F train
Headline by: Krista

Runners-Up:
· “At her house, Zoloft is served at snacktime” – Krisztina
· “Debbie Downer: The Early Years” – E
· “Did I say something wrong?” – PJ
· “Playtime With Wednesday Addams” – Gabbertoons
· “Sartre’s Daughter Had A Hard Time Making Friends” – xavier
· “She was later known as the girl who kicked pregnant women in the stomach “just to see what happened”” – Danielle
· “Sylvia Plath Never Did Get Along With The Other Kids” – Ariel
· “Was it something I said?” – Jared
· “Welcome to Ayn Rand Kindergarten” – Emily
· “When playdates go bad… next on Springer” – Jenn

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on March 31, 2015
Death, Headline Contest Winners, Kids, On the Subway

The Prayer Dr. Phil Says for Oprah Every Night

Black queer: Bitch, you better shut up, because Shana does so much more than you.
Fag hag: Oh no, I'm not dissing Shana at all–I love that bitch.
Black queer: I know, right? Shana is amazing. I'm so glad she's not dead.
Fag hag: Me too.
Black queer: So glad she's not dead. God bless her sassy black ass.

–1 Train

Posted on March 29, 2015
Ass, Black People, Death, Fag Hags, Nicknames & name calling, On the Subway, Queers, Weirdness

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

Guy #1: Hey, answer me seriously, what would you do if one day I killed our neighbor?
Guy #2: I would turn into a giant penis and spray semen all over the city.

–A train

Posted on March 28, 2015
Body Parts, Death, Getting Off, On the Subway, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Violence

Death