Wednesday One-Liners Only a Mother Could Love

Woman to another: I mean, about the thing… he is ugly but at least he get it up!

–Abingdon Square Park

Man to friend: Ugly people aren't people!

–10th St & 5th Ave

Suit: Yeah, I couldn't deal with the paparazzi. I once saw a picture of Katie Holmes with a pimple, and now I think she's the ugliest person I ever saw.

–Governors Island

Overheard by: Natalie

Girl to guy friend: I cannot believe you volunteered me like that! I'm going to start volunteering you to people… unattractive people. Like Leroy*.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Michael O'Connor

Bus driver on packed bus: Okay, everybody, we need to reorganize the bus. Can all the good-looking people move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly-looking people move to the front? Thank you.

–M86 Bus

Overheard by: Michael

Posted on October 7, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Bus, Bus Drivers, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hudson River, Men, Offers and requests, On the Bus, One-liners, Passengers, Physical appearance, Pictures, Public Transportation, Street, Stupidity, Suits, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, West Village, Women

Donald Duck Makes Announcements on the PA System

Girl #1: I think the subway is, like, the Disney Monorail of New York City.
Girl #2: Yeah, but underground… Wow, I never thought of it like that!

–N Train

Overheard by: Lauryn McC.

Posted on October 6, 2014
Compare/Contrast, Default, Disney, Friends, Girls, On the Subway, Public Transportation

…Since My Hand's Already on Your Ass.

Guy to friend: Are you gay, man?
Friend: I'm not fucking gay, I just want to hold your fucking hand!
Hobo: I'll hold your hand, buddy.

–2nd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: Just wanted a milkshake…

Posted on October 4, 2014
Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Questions, Sexuality, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

I’m Gonna Win Every Hipster Fight!

Black hipster #1: Oh my god! These jeans are sick! They’re lime green and making my eyeballs hurt!
Black hipster #2: Oooh, oooh, show me!
Black hipster #1, exiting dressing room: Man, my dick hurts ’cause they so tight! But daaamn… I look good!

–American Apparel

Posted on October 3, 2014
Black People, Clothing, Compliments, Default, Friends, Hipsters, Store

Wednesday One-Liners Want Angelina Jolie to Adopt Them

Large black woman to another: So I said to him, "Muthafucka, don't you know a baby comes out of that shit? Ain't nothing you got down there gonna hurt me!"

–Fulton St

Old man with thick Russian accent: It is fresher than a baby's bottom!

–Ave M & E 16th, Brooklyn

Ghetto black guy on phone: Nah, I was locked up, but I'm out now, and she's tryin' to say it's my baby, but that shit ain't mine.

–Downtown 2 Train

Man on cell, passing adorable child playing with dog: I love fucking babies!

–10th & 53rd

Puerto Rican girl to pregnant friend: You feel like you have to poop, but that's just the baby.

–36th St & 34th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Bryan Bruner

Conductor: Ma'am, please step off the ramp platform and wait until it is safe. (pause) Miss, you're having a frickin' baby, get off the ramp! (she does) Thank you.

–Metro-North Rail Tracks

Overheard by: Theonlyonewhoseemedtonotice

Teenage mother to friends, running to catch subway: Last one gets the baby!

–Broadway

Overheard by: Francisco S. Ramírez

Posted on October 3, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Astoria, Babies, Black People, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Family Ties, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Poop, Preggers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Prison, Public Transportation, Puerto Ricans, Questions, Robbing the Cradle, Street, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

And Is It Just Me or Does Her Tail Look Fat?

Middle-aged woman with dog, pointing at French bulldog in the distance: Look -is that puddin’?
Friend: I hate puddin’. She always wins the costume contest.
Woman: Yeah. I mean, what was it this year? Raggedy Ann? Please.

–Ft. Tryon Dog Park

Posted on October 3, 2014
Books & Writing, Clothing, Default, Friends, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Names, Parks, Questions, We Love Our Pets, Women

No Difference to a Lonely Hawaiian

Girl #1: I find it tart, too. Also kind of musky and a little sweet.
Girl #2: Mmm. Wait! Are you talking about pineapple or pussy?

–Washington Heights

Headline by: Jay B

Runners-Up:
· “A little bit of everything goes into an Orange Julius” – Mike
· “A normal conversation between two airport drug smugglers” – Scott
· “And Why is This Tasting Room So Crowded?” – Greg Costello
· “Can it be both?” – saltwater
· “Pussy! But not yours. Yours is nasty.” – Andy Adelewitz
· “Pussy.” – Ray
· “That’s why the Hawaiian word for pineapple is “poon”” – marcusj
· “The One with the Hole in the Middle” – DanC

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on October 3, 2014
Friends, Fruit, Headline Contest Winners, Vagina, Washington Heights and Inwood

Don't Impose Your Death Wish on Your Kid

Woman: All my anorexic friends undereat during pregnancy.
Female friend: (nervous chuckle)
Woman: I mean, come on.

–Bedford & N 10th, Williamsburg

Overheard by: sarah

Posted on October 3, 2014
Diet/Weight, Friends, Friendship, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Williamsburg, Women

Freud: I Don’t Know Where to Start!

Woman: Once my mom let me go to school, when I was eight, in a training bra and a see-through baby blue crocheted hand-knit sweater that my grandma made.
Man: What the fuck?
Woman: Yeah. I got made fun of something fierce. That’s when I realized my mom’s a crazy bitch.
Man: Heh.
Woman: But you know what? I fucking love her. I love that crazy-ass bitch.

–7 train, Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Ryan

Posted on October 2, 2014
Clothing, Friends, Nostalgia, On the Subway, Parents

Friends

I’m Gonna Win Every Hipster Fight!