Headline Contest Winners

A Rare Sighting of the Elusive Emetopodophile.

Drunk girl to friends: Wait! Wait, bitches, shut up! This is important!
[Drunk friends turn to her.]Drunk girl: I totally just threw up all over my own feet!
Drunk guy: That’s fucking hot!

–Brother Jimmy’s Bait Shack, 92nd & 3rd

Overheard by: rebecca

Headline by: Adam

Runners-Up:
· “1 Girl, 2 Manolos” – Allyson L.
· “And I Can’t Wait for Volume II Of “Girls Gone Ipecac”” – NotoriousAR
· “How Paris Found Her Catch-Phrase” – Janet
· “If By “Hot” You Mean the Temperature Of My Vomit, Then Yes, It Is Rather Hot.” – CL
· “It’s Because She Vomits Lava.” – Sean McGurr
· “Matchmaker: Remember, Girls. Chunks Turn on Hunks.” – NewFaceOfEvil
· “Usually I Have to Pay Extra for That” – As do I
· “When Fetishes Collide” – Jon

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He Was Surprisingly Affectionate

Hipster guy: Yo! My girlfriend gave me a hickey, and now there’s a rumor that I got into a fight with a black kid.
Friend: Dude!

–Edward Murrow High School

Headline by: Justin

Runners-Up:
· “Oh Please! If That Were True You’d Have a Stab-wound, Not a Hickey.” – nosey nafia
· “Shouldn’t Have Let Her Hickey Your Eye, I Guess.” – Internev
· “That’s Funny, I’d Heard Something About a Vacuum Cleaner” – Marv in DC
· “Well, She Does Look Like Gary Coleman.” – stevevc

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

New York’s Onstar Is a Little Lacking in Tact.

Random female tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me which way is the river?
Random angry new yorker: Which one, lady? You’re on a fucking island.

–9th & Broadway

Overheard by: Elan

Headline by: Jess

Runners-Up:
· “”Oh, Sorry. I’m Looking For, Um (Reading Guidebook) ‘Duh Fuckin’ River Wit Dah Steel Bitch Innit’…”” – Mike Chmiel
· “And That Was All Reba Needed For A Good Country Song” – cbeck
· “Generic Tourist ‘To Do’ List: “Get Insulted by New Yorker: – Check!” – Bassmanbish
· “Shit…Can You Tell Me How to Get to New York Then?” – lisa
· “The Map Crisis in America Doesn’t Just Apply to Beauty Pageants” – Erin

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Mean, It Tasted Udderly Disgusting!

Asian girl: O-M-G, did you try the bull’s penis?! Was it big?!
Asian guy #1: Yeah, it was pretty nasty.
Asian girl, pointing to Asian guy #2: Oooh, he tried the cow’s tongue!
Asian guy #2: Uh, can we not talk about that?

–Famous Pizza, Kisseria Blvd, Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: Sajel

Headline by: KatieNB

Runners-Up:
· “Everybody Knows All the Best Asian Sex Clubs Are in Queens” – PeterG
· “Eww, He Ate the Tongue That Licked the Bull Penis That I Ate! That’s Like Hooking Up Indirectly.” – Whoscawatziz
· “Fear Factor Here = Food Network Over There” – Jimmy
· “One’s a Lifestyle Choice, the Other’s Just Sick” – Gerald Lanning
· “Penis, It’s What’s For Dinner!” – DR G LUV

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Um, Sara, I Don’t Think You Should Say That So Loud

Kid #1: You’re mad short, haha.
Kid #2: Shut up! I know I’m short! I haven’t grown at all! The only thing that grew was my dick!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: A.K.

Headline by: KMW

Runners-Up:
· “And Somewhere in America, Mary Kay Letourneau’s Ears Prick Up” – Sara
· “Everyone in Dwarf Porn Goes through This Moment” – M
· “I’m a Little Teapot, 2.0” – Duncan Pflaster
· “Whatchu Talkin’ About, Willis?” – Molly

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If It Means I Have to Let Go of Your Penis, Then No

Guy #1: This is fun, but it will be a lot better when we’re in bed.
Guy #2: … You’re gay?

–Urinal, Hard Rock Café

Overheard by: Danny

Headline by: ilemanzer

Runners-Up:
· “Can’t a Straight Guy Talk to His Penis?” – Tadzio
· “Does Mom Know?” – Ren
· “If I’d Known That Earlier I’d NEVER Have Let You Suck My Cock” – Lindsey
· “No, but I Did Appreciate That You Swallowed.” – Me
· “You’re a Guy?” – alice

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

To Say Nothing of Your Buck Teeth and Peg Leg

Short Latina #1: You could never be a model.
Short Latina #2, concerned: Why?
Short Latina #1: Your ass is too big.

–5th & 5th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Andrea

Headline by: Gimpy

Runners-Up:
· “America’s Next Bottom Model” – Fierce!
· “At Least I Don’t Have My Head in Mine” – Drewp
· “But I Smell Like Vomit and Cigarettes!” – Ba-Dunka-Dunk
· “I Can Hear Your Thong Screaming For Help” – Darryl S
· “Those Are My Breasts; I Sling Them Over My Shoulders So That I Don’t Kick Them When I Walk.” – E-man – Master of the UNIVERSE
· “What’s That Got to Do with Hand Modelling?” – KJM

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I’ve Been Trying to Give Away As Much of It As I Can

Teen boy: C’mon! Touch the squirrel! Do it!
Teen girl: Oh, fuck no! I don’t want to get rabies!
Teen boy: Actually, city squirrels have herpes.
Teen girl: I don’t need any more of that!

–Midtown

Headline by: The Mac

Runners-Up:
· “Adam and Eve Hit the Big Apple” – haz
· “Don’t Pick Up Anything That You Can’t Put Down.” – Dan Walker
· “Squirrel: Tell Me About It!” – twoferrets
· “The Pubic Lice Keep Eating Them” – samson
· “They Are Also Notorious Rapists.” – Moldizzle
· “Unexpectedly, The Date Was Over” – J.M. Berger

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Japan? Taiwan? Canada?

Woman #1: Where are you from?
Woman #2: Hong Kong.
Woman #1: What kind of Asia is that? Korea?

–N train

Headline by: Sam K.

Runners-Up:
· “And What Kind Of Alabama Are You From?” – Coyoty
· “Everywhere Like Such As and China” – Caro
· “Her Label Reads “Made in NYC Schools”” – cthonian
· “Is Our Children Learning II: The Adult Years” – Vasyl
· “Now I Fuck You Up Long Time” – Steve
· “The Oriental Kind” – alan b hutscar
· “Why Rosie O’Donnell Shouldn’t Ride the Subway” – Howard Bannister

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

They Jerk Their Meat

Puerto Rican girl #1: I really hate the way she eats.
Puerto Rican girl #2: Yeah, but she’s Jamaican. You know how they are.

–Bergen St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Dumbfounded

Headline by: Gutterlush

Runners-Up:
· “At Least She Isn’t Dominican.” – Jon
· “Even Their Chickens Are Jerks.” – Howard Bannister
· “Psychic?” – Beryl
· “Racism! It’s What’s For Dinner” – Goldielox
· “You’re Just Jealous You Can’t Use Your Dreads As a Fork” – Chels

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

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