An Epidemic Of Wednesday One-Liners

Middle-aged white guy to younger black woman: Just leave them a message that's like "I woke up from my coma, don't worry. Not that you were worried anyway."

–Nederlander Theater

Overheard by: julia

Girl to friend: Everything was fine until I found out about the warts.

–Broadway & Waverly

Man to friends: All I know is that I was leaving town the next day, so I told her to take some Pepto-Bismol or Robitussin or whatever because I was gettin' some that night for sure!

–Bodega, 22nd St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Doug Tischler

Teenage black girl, within a group of friends: Them kids with autism, they be havin' mad skills!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: r. faith

Male yuppie: If she comes back with cold sores, I'll know who to go to.

–San Domenico Restaurant, East 26th St

Girl: Rabies is my biggest enemy.

–Bellerose, Queens

Posted on August 13, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Grocery Stores, Health and Hygiene, Illness, Medicine, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Penn Station, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, The Village, Theater, Threats, White People, Yuppies

Ugh, Food Babies Are The Worst

20-something girl #1: I’ve been so sick today.
20-something girl #2: Oh no! Why?
20-something girl #1: Must have been those two squash and spaghetti sandwiches I ate yesterday.
20-something girl #2: Oh, right!
(momentary pause)
20-something girl #1: So, have you ever been pregnant?

–Ladies Room, Vento Trattoria

Headline by: Alex

Runners-Up:
· “It’s The Perfect Way to Justify My Incredibly Bizarre Eating Habits” – Caitlin
· “It’s Usually the After Dinner Drinks That Get Me Pregnant.” – Bud
· “No, But Sometimes I Pretend to Be So People Don’t Mock My Food Choices” – o k
· “So Began the Story Of the Immaculate Conception Of the Flying Spaghetti Monster” – Jared
· “The Day Peggy Learned Squash-and-Spaghetti-Sandwich Contraception Is a Myth” – Steve
· “The Shift in Topic Was So Jarring, Tina Had to Be Hospitalized.” – Sam
· “They Don’t Call Me “Subtle Stacy” for Nothing” – fresca

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on August 11, 2008
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Food, Girls, Gripes, Headline Contest Winners, Health and Hygiene, Illness, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Restaurants & Cafes, Stall Spies

I'm Never Letting You Watch My Girl Again

Kid: Mom, can I get some water?
Mom: No.
Kid: I'm thirsty, mom! I'm gonna get a seizure!

–77th St & Broadway

Posted on August 4, 2008
Default, Illness, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

For Me, Getting Married Would Be Like Playing Madhouse

Drunk girl #1: Oh my god! Getting married is like playing house! It sucks!
Drunk girl #2: Yeah! I never want to get married or have kids. I have too many mental illnesses to pass along.

–L Train

Posted on July 28, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Default, Drunks, Girls, Illness, Kids, Marriage, On the Subway, Stupidity

And You’re Here, So That’s Good, Right?

Bar guy #1: Hey, how’s it going? How’s your brother?
Bar guy #2: He had brain surgery today.

–W 158th & Broadway

Overheard by: puppy

Posted on July 14, 2008
Bars & Clubs, Default, Family Ties, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Illness, Questions, Surgery

Just Don’t Call It the “Black Plague”

Student #1: You know in French they have Ebonics too.
Student #2: Like creole?
Student #1: Yeah.
Student #3: Ebonics, I thought that was some sort of disease, like bubonic.
Student #2: Dude! What the hell?
Student #3: What do I know? I’m an engineer.

–Columbia University Athletics Van

Overheard by: Barnard student

Posted on July 8, 2008
Columbia University, Default, Illness, Jobs & Careers, Languages, Students, Words

In Unrelated News, Aren’t You Glad We’re Ditching Bio Again?

Middle school kid #1: Why do they call it “PMS”?
Middle school kid #2: I dunno.
Middle school kid #1: Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
(hilarious laughter ensues)
Middle school kid #2: That’s so funny. (pause) What’s “PMS”?
Middle school kid #1: I think it’s “Post Mental Syndrome” You know, when you dry up and can’t have babies.

–R Train

Posted on July 7, 2008
Babies, Boys, Default, Illness, Kids, On the Subway, Psychology, Questions, Words

That Sounds Like Sour Apple to Me

Drunk derelict #1: I invented big league chew!
Drunk derelict #2: You also have hepatitis.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: ryn

Posted on June 3, 2008
Default, Drunks, Food, Illness, Staten Island Ferry, Weirdness

For the Last Time, I’d Just Had a Vanilla Milkshake

Chick: No, seriously, man, I think your cat has rabies…
Guy, offended: And I thought you had rabies when I come home and find you hiding in my curtain yesterday, but I didn’t say anything then, did I?

–Greenwich Village

Posted on June 1, 2008
Comebacks, Default, Girls, Guys, Illness, The Village, We Love Our Pets

So It’s Guaranteed You’ll Fall Asleep Right Afterwards

Hipster guy trying to make out with hipster girl: Come on baby, I swear I’m not drunk.
Exasperated hipster girl: Oh my god, I didn’t say you’re drunk, I said you have mono.

–Friday Night Bar Crawl, West 4th St

Posted on May 30, 2008
Bars & Clubs, Compare/Contrast, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Fears, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Illness, Offers and requests, Pick-up Lines, The Village, Threats

Illness