Insults

Why Stephen Hawking Retired: Explained

Chulo #1: What sign are you?
Chula: Aries. You?
Chulo #2: Asshole. That's his sign: asshole.
Chulo #1: Naw, man. It's cancer.
Chulo #2: Why do so many people believe in that astrology shit?
Chulo #1: Because it's true!
Chula: It's so true. I've got all the personality traits. Like, I think I know everything. I get along real well with Leos, we're all bossy together. What sign are you?
Chulo #2: Scorpio.
(chula and chulo #1 laugh knowingly)
Chula: Oh, yeah, you know what that means. You're a lover.
Chulo #2: Ha ha, yeah?
Chula: You see someone and like that, you're in love. And then, two weeks later, you don't want nothing to do with her.
Chulo #2: Um… No… I mean, not really…
Chulo #1: Yeah, man, it's all true. Written in the stars.

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Can't Seem to Schedule His Emergencies

Designer on cell: I'm with a client right now. Can I call you back in two hours? I'm with a client. Bye.
Client: Huh?
Designer: Oh, my fucking son.

–Lexington Ave

So at First I Didn’t Distinguish Him from the Other New Yorkers

Receptionist #1: Ewww, this man at school was trying to hit on me.
Receptionist #2: What was wrong with him?
Receptionist #1: He was nasty! He looked like half-homeless man and half-terrorist.

–1177 6th Ave

Overheard by: red

I'm Just Burning and Throbbing for a Job

Boyfriend: I would do just about anything for a job right now, maybe even take it in the ass.
Friend: Ew! Why would you want to do that? It burns and throbs for like a week after.
(long awkward pause)
Friend: Uh-oh. (blushes, runs away)
Boyfriend, yelling over crowd: Oh, great… You set me back months with my girlfriend.
Girlfriend: You're such an asshole!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: nick

But Dark Souls Are Really Hot This Season

Rockabilly girl: I’m a little evil.
Preppy girl: Well, think about our friends — you’d almost have to be. I definitely am.
Rockabilly girl: Jenny, our friends are horrible people.
Preppy girl: True.

–Essex & Rivington

It’s a damn good thing you put out!

Chick: I don’t know — all the worry about oil prices and gas… [Dude throws sideways glance.] What does oil have to do with gas, anyway? You don’t put a can of oil in your gas tank.
Dude: You know what? You’re a dumbass.

–W 52nd St

Overheard by: Eric Shellhamer

Um… Alternate Side of the Street Parking?

Girl #1: Oh my god! Hi!
Girl #2: Hi! What are you doing here?
Crazy lady: Maybe you could not yell in the street!
Girl #2: Hey, fuck you!
Crazy lady: Why don’t you suck my dick, you loudmouths?!
Black lady passerby: ‘Suck my dick,’ she said! You hear that? What is wrong with New York?

–Fulton St

Overheard by: Leela

Why Miss Cleo Got Fired from Her Flyer-Peddling Job

Comedy club rep: Hey, crackheads, come see a comedy show!
Woman: I'm not a crackhead.
Comedy club rep: …yet.

–43rd & 7th

How Darwin Got Everyone to Accept His Theory

Father to teenage daughter: Oh, well…the party was in Queens.
Daughter: Fuck Queens!
Father, quickly checking calendar on cell phone: Not on Gay Pride Day, honey.
Daughter: Haha! Hang on, I'm going to write that down. I'll use it in a story for my creative writing class!
Father: Oh, don't write it down…it's not even funny. And always remember…if you want your story to be funny, just put in a monkey. It always works for me!
Daughter: Didn't you novel get bad reviews, though? They said it wasn't funny at all.
Father: Well, obviously, I should have written in several more monkeys.

–Tompkins Square Park

He Just Got Tardserved

A group of retards are being watched by two caretakers.

Hetard: You’re stupid.
Shetard: Shut up. You have halitosis of the eye. Every time you blink, you stink!

–Battery Park

Overheard by: Josh Rav

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