“My Coke Dealer Says” Wouldn’t Have Had the Same Ring

Loud lady: Would you like a tissue? [Guy on phone snivels loudly, shakes head. Lady waves tissue at him.] Excuse me, here’s a tissue.
Guy, covering phone: No, thanks.
Loud lady: Please take the tissue. I hate that noise you’re making. It’s disgusting.
Guy, into phone: Nobody. I’m waiting for the train to move and some woman wants me to blow my nose.
Loud lady: It’s making me sick to look at you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Take the tissue!
Guy, to loud lady: My mom says you’re a rude bitch who should shut the fuck up and go to the next car if you don’t like it! [Lady storms off.]

–N train, Ditmars station, Astoria

Overheard by: A Mother Says What?

Posted on August 1, 2015
Biotechs, Insults, On Cell, On the Subway

You Just Need Some Deep Wednesday One-Linerin'

Blonde girl: I can't believe he pulled his dick out. Except not really. Except kind of. Except I kind of had to put it back in.

–W 34th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: innocent bystander

Crazy hobo, to himself: Geritol. Yup, that's what she needs. That woman just likes some dick. And there ain't nothin wrong with that. Nothin wrong with a woman likin a long hard dick. Women like dick. Ain't nothing wrong with that. She's gonna get some Geritol all right. Cause see, you got to get it up in the crevices. Work it in with a little Bengay.

–Men's Bathroom, Penn Station

Overheard by: Phil

Salvadoran guy, discussing use of the word "faggot": They can take a dick up their ass, they can take a fucking joke.

–Lawton St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Eric Frazier

Black guy: Man, I can't wear tight pants because I have a big dick! My dick needs to breathe! (holds himself)

–Penn Station

Female Central Park crossing guard: Das cuz da dick was great!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Robert H

Posted on July 31, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Backdoor, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Clothing, Crazies, Girls, Guys, Height, Hobos, Insults, Latinos, Medicine, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, One-liners, Penis, Penn Station, Sex, Wednesday One-Liners, Words

If You Love Wednesday So Much, Why Don’t You One-Liner It?

Woman talking to cute businessman: Oh I totally love, like, water and all that jazz!

–Newark Flight

DJ to crowd: If ya love ya mama put ya put ya mothafuckin hand up the skyyyyy!

–Hammerstein Ballroom

Crazy man in leather pants: Bitches, I seen it all! Bitches, hoes, I done it all… Y’all, who won the Yankees game last night? I said, who won the Yankees game last night?! Can I get a motherfucking answer? [Pause.] Fuck all y’all, fuck all y’all niggas, black, white, fuck all y’all white niggas [Pause.] Bitches, hoes, Cadillacs! I done it all! Fuck all y’all [Pause.] Peace, love, and respect baby for all. I love all y’all.

–A Train

Overheard by: Sam

Girl on cell: …but I have to go now -I’m busy lovin’. I said I’m lovin’. I have to go!

–Outside Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

20-something woman: I need more people in my life who love my knees.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: McFreaky

Boy: I’m going to have a business card made. Some finance company. Girls love that stuff.

–6 Train

Overheard by: oya

Posted on July 31, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Boys, Business and Commerce, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crazy, Ew, Jersey, Girls, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Love, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Parents, Questions, Race, Sports, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

…Jump! Jump! Jump!

Evangelist standing on a bench: I was born under the Lord, I've lived under the Lord, and I'll die under the Lord.
Drunk walking by: Die, we don't give a fuck!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Michael A McCormick

Posted on July 31, 2015
Death, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, God, Insults, Port Authority, Preachers

What You Get for Being Seven Feet Tall

Tourist: Excuse me, but could you please tell me the time?
New Yorker: What do I look like? Big fuckin' Ben or somethin'?

–Broadway

Posted on July 31, 2015
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Default, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, Questions, Time, Tourists

It’s Way Too Early for Good News

Religious guy: … And remember, Jesus loves you! He loves us all. Jesus loves you!
Man in back of train: Jesus fucking hates you! Shut the fuck up!

–PATH train

Overheard by: Nick

Posted on July 31, 2015
Assholes, Crazies, Insults

'Cause I Just Gave You Performance Feedback

Subway musician to drunk guy puking: Hey! Come on, asshole, take a cab, this is my place of work!
Drunk guy: You know what, why don't you pay for my cab to Queens and get a real job while you're at it?

–7 Train

Posted on July 30, 2015
Comebacks, Drunks, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Musicians, On the Subway, Vomit

Makes for Easy Carpet/Drapes Matching

Suit: Have you ever seen Conan in HD? His face looks like a scrotum.

–Maggie’s Place, E. 47th Street

Overheard by: Grimbil

Posted on July 30, 2015
About Celebrities, Balls, Body Parts, Celebrities, Insults, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Pop Culture, Private Parts, Restaurants & Cafes, TV

In Brooklyn? Your Editors Are Shocked.

Lady #1, pointing at imitation Cap'n Crunch: Get those, it's the same thing.
Lady #2: No, he won't eat those.
Lady #1: Well, then he's an asshole.

–Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Posted on July 28, 2015
Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Fakes, Food, Insults, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Grow on Trees

Crazy guy: Look at you people. All y’all paying eighteen, nineteen hundred dollars rent. I pay two dollars rent! And I get a free transfer!

–Uptown A Train

Overheard by: Heather

Smoking girl: I’m just not going to put all of this money and time into this degree and then take a job that pays less than $100,000 after I graduate. I mean, I’m just *not*.

–Outside Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Bored street fundraiser for the homeless: Just one penny, people. Just one penny. Blah, blah, blah.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: Farley

Crazy guy: You motherfucking actors with all your fucking money and shit… I hate you… But boy did I want to be an actor when I was young.

–Outside NBC Studios, 49th & 6th

Overheard by: Ross

Frustrated booth operator, yelling at an argumentative tourist: Lady, this subway hasn’t used tokens in over seven years! And that ain’t even a token… It’s a one collar coin!

–Subway, Spring & Lafayette

Overheard by: NYC Tourists Never Cease to Amaze Me

50-something ticket collector to high school girl: Don’t worry, I didn’t forget your change. (pause) I will never forget you. (walks away)

–Metro-North Train

Mother to young daughter running down the street: Get over here before I make change outta that five dollar ass!

–168 & Broadway

Posted on July 28, 2015
9 to 5-ers, Activists, All Wednesday One-Liners, Arts & Letters, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Creepsters, Education, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Home, Sweet Home, Homeless, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Smokers & Smoking, The Village, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village

Insults