NYC Geography

Wednesday One-Liners Hang Weird Shit on Their Mirrors

Cab driver, getting cut off: Yeah, drive like you want that cheeseburger!

–Columbus Circle

Cabbie: I got in some trouble and my wife threw all my clothes out of the house. I never realized how many clothes I have! I know New York streets better than my own closet! (laughs)

–Cab, Broadway & Houston

Cab driver to colleague who just honked after he stopped for a pedestrian: What, you want me to kill him?

–Battery Park

Middle Eastern cab driver: I used to have a video store in Washington Heights. But the black bastard put me out of business! Can you believe it? After ten years the black bastard put me out of business! Do you now the black bastard on Dyckman? C'mon! Everybody knows the back bastard! Black bastard! Black bastard video!

–Cab, Washington Heights

Overheard by: Gene Gray

Cab driver: When you drive for ten hours a day, you learn that over 50% of drivers are, how do you say it…stupid.

–Queens

Overheard by: Fiasco

Most Americans Have Given Up Believing Their Eyes and Ears

Tourist #1: I wanna see the ball that drops in Times Square!
Tourist #2: Wait… that thing actually exists?

–Broadway b/w 43rd & 44th

Overheard by: Ben

But Have You Ever Been on the H?

Married lady: Yeah, and some days I sub at a magnet school in Bed-Stuy. It’s pretty wild. I take the J train.
Single lady: Oh, wow, the J train? I never talk to anyone who takes that. J, M, and Z, right? I mean, it’s practically like a foreign country.
Married lady: I’ve been on the J and the M.

–Savoia, Smith St, Brooklyn

Notice He Didn’t Say Williamsburg

Art store guy #1: No, I don’t know where it is…Hey, does anyone know where there’s an art show this weekend? This guy on the phone wants to know.
Art store guy #2: Tell him SoHo and hang up.

–Utrecht, 4th Avenue

Overheard by: Jason

It’s Like Carnegie Hall That Way

Hipster guy: Have you ever walked all the way to Avenue D?
Hipster girl: Yeah…like once.
Hipster guy: I’ve never been down that far. But I want to.
Hipster girl: You will one day.

–6th between 1st & A

Overheard by: ochimama

Then Why Are the Ghostbusters Riding in It, Smart Guy?

Young tourist woman to boyfriend: Is that the Statue of Liberty?
Boyfriend: Umm…no. That would be the Empire State Building.

–30th & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Marie Ziskin

…As Our High School Honors Project.

Guy #1: After Jim moved to Riverhead, he doesn't come out to the city anymore to hang out.
Guy #2: Fuck those Long Island people. Fuck 'em. Let those Mercedes-driving assholes go to Roosevelt Field Mall and climb that fuckin' rock wall for fun while we get drunk and bang bitches under the 59th St bridge.

–Outside Macy's, Herald Square

Wednesday One-Liners Get Railroaded

Conductor: Check around, make sure you have all of your belongings. If you have small children, make sure you hold onto them. (in haunting tone) Wouldn't want to see them disappear…into the gap.

–Metro-North Line

Overheard by: Jess

Train conductor on PA: The last car is the quiet car. No cell phones or loud conversations please. If you need to have a conversation, please do so silently.

–Penn Station

Conductress, in monotone: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough….in the borough of Manhattan.

–D Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Conductor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin' for the local train on the other platform: hey yo! We over here!

–14th Street Station

MTA conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train will be out of commission, uh…right now. Get out!

–MetroNorth Train

Overheard by: Kellin

Train conductor: Ladies and gentleman, brace for impact. (pause) Nah…just kidding, I could never pull that shit off. Y'all lucky we underground! Have a safe day.

–A Train

Could You Remind Me How to Breathe?

Hip Indian chick #1: We should totally go to Raj's party tomorrow night.
Hip Indian chick #2: Oh my god, we totally should! Except it's in Brooklyn. Like, how would we even get there? Are there like, bridges or something?
Hip Indian chick #1: You're kidding, right?
Hip Indian chick #2, laughing: Wow! I am so one of those people who are like total geniuses but always forget like, really basic stuff.
Hip Indian chick #1: Umm, yeah. Totally.

–M14D Bus

Overheard by: Cody

C'mon, We Can't Learn Anything in There

Tourist: I'm sorry, this may be a dumb question, but is this the Museum of Natural History?
Guard: This is the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Tourist: Damn it!

–The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: WeeFee

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