On the Subway

It’s A World Of Laughter, A World Of Tears

Thirtysomething woman: You used to go to Disney World too? I LOVED that place.
Thirtysomething man: Yeah…What was the name of the part with the big carousel? You know, something Square…it was like the center of the park.
Thirtysomething woman: I don’t know…
Thirtysomething man: Tiananmen Square? Was that it?
Thirtysomething woman: Yeah! That sounds familiar..

–R train

Headline by: Pam


Runners-Up:
· “Match.com really does work!” – katie andrews
· “Even less fun than Euro Disney” – MattyQ



Honorable Mentions:
· “Little known fact: Mao Zedong had a season pass” – Colleen Kerney
· “Where the rides are worse then the lines” – Mark Manne
· “Yeah, that part was a riot” – Skepna
· “No, No, Universal is NEXT DOOR” – Katie
· “He looked it up on google.cn” – Ingwall
· “And people were dying to get in” – Melanie Mahoney
· “Mickey Mao’s Club” – Dave Barnette

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Today’s headline contest is being sponsored by HBO. The winner and runners-up* will all receive the complete Season 2 DVDs of Entourage.
Check out the season 3 premiere this Sunday, June 11th at 10pm!

(* Amended so that we could include more honorable mentions!)

My Anti-Drug? Being a Retard

Girl #1: For our next trip, my parents want to go on a cruise to Alaska.
Girl #2: Oh my god, no! Haven’t you seen the Titanic?
Girl #1: I know, right? Plus, it’s cold. I mean look at March of the Penguins. They die there.

–F train

Queer: So some stranger just approached me and asked me to fuck her and her husband on Staten Island…Wait, it was Ellis Island. Yeah, she wanted me to fuck with the Statue of Liberty.
Hag: Oh, that’s too bad. Staten Island is nice.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Tina L.

You Can Be No Happier Than the Least-Happy Person in the Bed

Sad-looking tiny girlfriend: This was just an awful shift and an awful day.
Meathead boyfriend. trying to cheer her up: Do you want me to sing the sleepy time song?
Sad-looking tiny girlfriend: No. I just want to drink.
Meathead boyfriend: I have Jack at home.
Sad-looking tiny girlfriend: Fuck Jack, I need fucking tequila!
Meathead boyfriend: No! You're mean when you have tequila!
Sad-looking tiny girlfriend: I'm going to be meaner than I am now if I don't get tequila!
Meathead boyfriend: Okay, I'll get a bottle.

–A Train

New York City Subway Stories

Conductor #1: This is 34th Street. Transfer is available to the B, Q, D…B…Q…Penn Station…D–
Conductor #2: Move over. D, Q, N, R. Stand clear.

–F train

Overheard by: Cole Couture

Hipster: Did the train just pass 28th street?
Woman: Yes, it went express, but you could get off at 14th and switch to the uptown train.
Homeboy: Or you could take your chances, break the window with a crowbar and jump out now.

–1 train

Overheard by: Hayley

Man: This won’t do. All bad smelling people get the hell off the train.

At the next stop most of the car clears out.

Man: That’s what I’m talking about.

–A train

A Black kid and his Hispanic girlfriend are arguing on the train. The kid is holding her in the seat and she is trying to rip off his shirt. The entire car is watching, as if it were a car wreck.

Hispanic girl: You’re always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why’s it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see White people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man!

–C train

Two women were sitting next to each other, one clearly from New York, the other not. The tourist woman gestured with her chin at the conductor’s booth and asked: Is that the bathroom?

–A train

Mom Finally Comes to Terms with It

Mom: You’re not cooking anymore. You’re awful.
Daughter: I don’t like cooking. I’d rather bake.
Mom: Of course you would, you fucking stoner.

–A Train

Overheard by: A Birdy Told Me

Elsewhere: Wednesday One-liners

Teen boy: “Romanian”? What’s that, Italian?

–N train

Tour De Wednesday One-Liners

Fat tourist: Exactly, like, I know Disney trivia, but of course I don't know general trivia.

–Ellis Island

Overheard by: Cat

Female tourist with Irish accent, reading leaflet: Jaysas lads, it only took them 14 months to build this, I wonder if it's okay like.

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: joanie

Tourist gazing up at the Empire State Building: They sure could fit a lotta hay in there!

–Outside Empire State Building

Overheard by: Duppy

Tourist: Where do they keep the cemeteries around here?

–Next to St. Paul's Cemetery/Church

Female tourist: Oh my god, I can't believe we're on the 6… Just like J.Lo.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Courtney C.

Overzealous British tourist father, pointing at map: Okay, everyone. We're passing by Madison Square Gardens. They must be lovely at this time of year. We're on the Metropolitan Line, see? The Met Line. Just like in London. We're going to get off at Rector Street. It's the last stop before Brooklyn, so if we miss our stop, we'll be in Brooklyn, and we don't want that! Look, now there are no more numbers. When there are no more numbers in the station names, that means we're at the bottom of the underground. Oh, look, it's Chinatown. This is where all the orientals get off.

–R Line

Overheard by: office peon is one of those Orientals…

Female tourist: Know what? Fuck it, I just want to go back to my hotel room and take a shit.

–Canal St

For That You’ll Need a Spoon, Baby

Hobo: Can I have a sip?
Woman drinking coffee: Excuse me?
Hobo: I want a sip.
Woman drinking coffee: Oh, you want my coffee?
Hobo: Fuck that! [Points to her ass] I want your milkshake.

–F train

Raise Your Hand If You Think That Woman Spat in It

A girl finishes her Starbucks drink.

Woman: That’s right, suck it down. Good to the last drop.
Girl: For $4.50, you better believe I am!

–1 train

Overheard by: Megan C.

The Multiple-Choice Section Of This Wednesday One-Liner Begins Now

Train conductor: If anyone sees a blue and yellow backpack, please give it to the train conductor. Jason has a test and he needs to study.

–4 Train

Overheard by: heather

Random guy walking into the ferry station: I figured if I took the test high, I'd get high scores.

–Staten Island Ferry Station

Overheard by: mindy

Professor: These pop quizzes are like making love: you don't get any points for speed, you get them for accuracy.

–Psych Class, Hunter College

Overheard by: I completely agree

Undergrad: I don't even want to look at my art history midterm yet, but if I don't know how I did, I'll go crazy! It's like a Catch-66! Anyway, I'm going to head back to my dorm and put on some pants.

–Butler Library, Columbia University

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