One-liners

Yo, It’s Wednesday One-Liners, You Know What I’m Sayin’?

Beefy Italian guy on cell: He’s got an equal opportunity to go fuck himself!

–3rd St & Ave A

Overheard by: Liz A.

Italian chick: My brother got so many velours — he got more velours than the stores!

–Staten Island Ferry

Cranky Italian: No, no, no! That’s my problem with this city! They never give you a full glass of wine!

–Midtown

Italian guy to four friends: No. Fuck you, motherfucker! I used it in a sentence — you define it!

–Spring & Mott

Overheard by: Douglas A. Cheesman II

Italian hardhat: Yo, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I found a girl with a little class, a little self-respect, that she’s not banging me two days after she knows me. I’m sorry if that upsets you.

–75th & Madison

Overheard by: Anne

Italian mobster, after turning down wrong aisle: Oh, sugar!

–Duane Reade, Fulton St

Overheard by: tj

All Natural 7 Up, My Ass!

Little kid: It burns! It burns! [Pauses when a lady tells him to be quiet, then] It burns! It burns! It burns!

–Bx9 bus

Overheard by: Krisztina

Post-Painterly Wednesday One-Liners

Student: I didn’t describe the sculpture, I just said that the combination of her and Weird Al inspired me.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Haley

Woman: I’m not really into the whole modern art thing — I just don’t like it.

–MoMA

Confused foreign professor: Monet and Picasso are famous painters. George Bush is not.

–NYU

Overheard by: Cait O’Connor

Man to woman after they make out: The problem is, if you’re an artist today and you take a picture of a guy jumping off a bridge in Paris, no one’s going to care.

–Armory Art Fair

JAP: So, are these the real Monets?

–The Met

Overheard by: Charlie Nicholson

Still More Accurate Than What They Teach at Public Schools

Professor hobo: Now listen, folks. You got them crazies preachin’ the end of the world. They’s saying God’s gonna come and un-begat us all the way to Adam. I’m not like that. I’m not. Listen — I’m not — so listen, okay? Listen. See, I’m a man of science. No heavenly undoing here. There’s a black hole comin’ this way. Those niggas comin’ at like a thousand light miles an hour. I don’t need no wheelchair super-talk from my computer to know that. It’ll come and it’ll steal your children. Pull ’em from bed and rape ’em and eat ’em. That’s what them black holes do. Eat you. You and your children. Science!

–7 train

Wednesday One-Liners Try Out Their Fake IDs

Teen: Don’t touch my freshman!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Teen boy: I can’t scream. I lost my voice doing the Hokey Pokey.

–98th & 5th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Thug teen: Hey, guys, you see those cops over there? Watch this… Fuck the police! Hahaha — oh, shit, they’re coming over here… Run!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N

14-year-old girl: I had like eight shots of vodka, and I didn’t get drunk or anything. I just couldn’t feel my face.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Sofa

Teen kid: Dude, there’s like nothing to do here.

–Central Park West

Since the Dutch, Really

Girl to man who held door for her: Thank you.
Man: I love you.
Girl to friend: Nobody in New York has any respect anymore.

–Barnes & Noble, 82nd St

Overheard by: Elise C-K

Well, There’s Parachuting, the Mole Man’s Drilling Machine…

Girl: So, is the ferry the only way to get to Staten Island?

–SeaStreak ferry under the Verrazano Bridge

Overheard by: Look. Up.

And She’s Seen a Lot of Flayed Plasticinated Penises

Woman: Damn, that model has the smallest penis I’ve ever seen!

–Bodies Exhibit, South Street Seaport

Ebert and Roeper at the Wednesday One-Liners

Woman, watching Jet Li movie preview: I won’t see it. All they ever do is hop around, and I have no idea what’s going on.

–AMC Theatre, W 42nd St

Overheard by: Jason

Slow learner: Yeah, we just got out of Miami Vice…Yeah, I’ve seen it twice. Trust me: do not see that movie!

–42nd between 9th & 10th

Overheard by: Ash

Young woman: When I went to see Snakes on a Plane, I didn’t think there’d be snakes! On a plane!

–Regal Cinemas, Union Square

Tween boy: After seeing that movie, I have to say: Johnny Knoxville is the most suicidal person next to Jesus.

–C train

Overheard by: Dirty D

Ticket taker, directing people to theater: Go out the window and take a left.

–AMC 25, Times Square

Overheard by: L

Blonde girl: Isn’t Short Circuit the movie with R2D2?

–Rooftop party, W 43rd

Overheard by: Esther

Guy in very crowded train: It felt like Schindler’s List for a second there.

–7 train

Overheard by: giants fan

Cheech & Chong’s Wednesday One-Liners, Man

Queer: When I get stoned, my grundle itches.

–6 train

Overheard by: sheerah

Street vendor, gesturing to enormous bong: No, no…this one is for tobacco.

–St. Mark’s

Elderly man: People are stupid! They don’t do pot!

–R train

Stoned guy: Man, why do chip manufacturers always put the crumbs at the bottom of the bag?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: bernard black

Teenage gangsta: Yo, when I was in the shower, it totally tasted like weed. For real.

–Lafayette & Houston

Passenger: If you see a suspicious package or activity on the platform or train, don’t keep it to yourself. Tell a cop or an MTA employee or me. There might be some money or some weed in there.

–4 train

Overheard by: Mike

Long-haired dude, picking up a cigarette butt: Man, that’s not what I wanted to smoke.

–72nd & Columbus

Overheard by: clarence rosario

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