Only in New York

Guido chick: Hey, you over there. Yeah you, ain’t you Dwayne?
Thug: Yeah, what’s it to ya?
Guido chick: It’s me, Gina, from the neighborhood. Whatchya doin’ all the ways out here?
Thug: Workin’, babe, workin’.
Guido chick: Workin’ on what?
Thug: It’s pickpocket season. Now’s the times I makes my money.
Guido chick: Bitch, you best not be stealin’ from my family! I’ll bust a cap in ya ass and then tell my Uncle Carmine.
Thug: Don’t worry, bitch, I only hit on the tourists.
Guido chick: Okay, babe, see ya in the neighborhood. Come tell me how it works out.

–Wintergarden Theatre

Overheard by: Annmarie

Angry woman on cell: I don’t care if you are an ordained fucking minister, you can go straight to fucking hell!

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Last-minute shopper

Crazy lady into microphone: Just because you don’t do drugs or have sex doesn’t mean you’re not going to hell!

–Subway station, 43rd & Broadway, Times Square

Teacher: Let’s go to hell!

–Stuyvesant High

Hobo: Is this the train to hell? It is! Oh my god, you’re all in purgatory!

–A train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Geneva

Scruffy artist type, to self: I’m not in hell, I’m in New York. I’m not in hell, I’m in New York…

–Elevator, Bellevue Hospital

Overheard by: David

Hipster #1: I think he escaped from the hospital.
Hipster #2: Yeah, he was wearing hospital garbs, and he looked like he’d peed on himself.
Hipster #2: Where-to now?
Hipster #1: Wherev.

–Deli, 6th & 2nd

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

10-year-old boy tourist: When are we going to eat?!
Teen brother: Shut up!
10-year-old boy tourist: I don’t have to shut up! I’m in New York!

–57th & 6th

Overheard by: Rick

College dude #1: You know what I hate about New York?
College dude #2: What?
College dude #1: Female mustaches.
College dude #2: You don’t think there are women with mustaches anywhere else?
College dude #1: No, but there are shitloads more here than anywhere else, and no one seems to care.
College dude #2: Touché.

–59th & 10th

Dressy girls, wiping faces: Ewww! What is that?! Ugh! Ewww!
Guy passerby: It’s just a little city juice. That’s all!

–Spring & Mercer

Hardhat: Sometimes I like pissing on the sawdust floor and seeing the dust come right back up in the air.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: TVontheFritz

Black hardhat to hot chick: Will you be my screensaver?

–19th & 6th

Overheard by: Philip

Hardhat: This whole street smells like panties!

–43rd & 8th

Big hardhat, after bumped by lady: Yo, I’m tryin’ to be Italian over here!

–64th & 1st

Overheard by: Rich Templeton

Fat lady: Whew! Hey, I think I just found the love of my life! The subway conductor! [People smile.] Wooo! He’s got a nice package! [People look away.] I tell ya, one night with him — you’ll never forget it! Where are we? Is this 34th? Look out! Clear the way! Wide load comin’ through! Have a wonderful day! [She exits, then screeches from the platform as train moves away] I love youuu!

–R train

Urban gentleman: Yeah, you can buy the naked cowboy’s picture in Times Square for, like, 25 dollars.
Urban lady: For real? Damn. He hot, though. He definitely waxing. In those briefs, nigga’s gotta be gettin’ a Brazilian.
Urban gentleman: Yeah, I ain’t no homo or nothin’, but how’s he not get hard walkin’ around in nothin’ but briefs?
Urban lady: It’s called ‘entertainment.’

–6 train

Overheard by: Barry Negrin

Man: Oh my god. This coffee right here — the best coffee I’ve ever had.
Employee: And only 85 cents!
Man: 85 cents! Look at that! You can’t get anything in New York for only 85 cents!
Girl holding Skittles: Except Skittles.
Man: What is that? What’s it called?
Girl: Skittles.
Man: Oh, man, I gotta get me some of that stuff.

–Happy Mart, 8th St

Overheard by: happy customer at happy mart