Man coming out of ATM: They’re all out of service.
Girl #1: All of them?
Man: Yup!
Girl #1: Well now what?
Girl #2: People in New York are so fricking cheerful, it makes me nauseous.
–9th & University
Man coming out of ATM: They’re all out of service.
Girl #1: All of them?
Man: Yup!
Girl #1: Well now what?
Girl #2: People in New York are so fricking cheerful, it makes me nauseous.
–9th & University
Running jaywalker: The worst car to get hit by is a Mini Cooper!
–University & 10th St
Overheard by: Knows trucks that beg to differ
Old man crossing the street, on cell: I’m crossing the fucking street!
–42nd & Broadway
Guy wearing yarmulke, to friend: Hey, watch out! Just because you’re Jewish doesn’t mean cars won’t run you over.
–Columbus Circle
Tourist suit to other suit: New Yorkers are so rude. Just wait till you see how they all cross the street at red lights!
–Metro North Train to Grand Central
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Cop on loudspeaker, to Asian bimbo tourist trying to walk down the middle of Canal St: Sidewalks are open to the public. Please use them.
–Canal Street
Overheard by: F Tourists
[Two cops are waiting at the light. A woman jaywalks and almost gets hit by a car.]
Male cop: Phew! That would have been a lot of paper work.
–44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Aimee
Homeless man, to toddler: Can I get a high-five?
[Toddler high-fives homeless man.]Homeless man: Can I get a dollar?
–D Train
Overheard by: sara
Shivering bum: Yo, can you guys help me out? Otherwise I’m gonna sing a song and I don’t wanna hurt your ears.
–N 7th & Bedford
Black homeless man: Excuse me… Can anyone help a broke nigga get his eat on?
–6 Train
Bum: Dollar for your favorite bum?
–Lafayette & E. 4th St
Bum, approaching another bum standing in the only two square feet of sunlit space for many blocks: Yeahh! You found the spot!
–Financial District
Overheard by: nunya
Homeless man: Hello, everyone. My name is Mike*, and I’m homeless and starving. If you have any- [His cell phone rings.] Excuse me. [Picks up phone.] I’m working, man, what’s up?
–Q Train
Guy: Yeah, he has this obsession with white weasels. It’s just very New York, you know?
–23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Kate
White Girl: I’m leaving this city, it’s all just bed bugs and bad drugs.
–Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: Zach
Prudish waitress, to another: In New York, you just come to expect cock-on-cock, ass-on-ass talk… In DC, you don’t.
–1 Train
Student to friend: You play the paranoid freak, I will play the egomaniac. We will call it "New York".
–49th & 1st
Thug #1 to Thug #2, while observing typical, plain, Midwest vacationing family getting off a tour bus: Get back on that bus! This New York! You can’t handle this shit! [Teenage kids smile. The father, absolutely horrified, grabs the kids and throws them back on the bus.]
–42nd St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Bunk Moreland
Bus driver to lady at stop: There are three more buses behind me! They like to stick together! They don’t like to be alone!
–B41 bus
Bus drive: Next stop, Queensborough Community College — where dreams come true. If you ever thought of going back to college, but are too scared, thinking, ‘Oh, I’m too old,’ well, you should go to school. Now arriving at QCC… And remember, knowledge is power.
–Q27 Bayside bus
Overheard by: Caro-kun
Bus driver, about traffic jam: Ladies and gentlemen, Fifth Avenue will be the next stop. We will be arriving in seven to ten days. [Minutes later] Attention! The waiter will be around shortly to take your dinner orders. The next crosstown movie will be Gone with the Wind.
–M79 bus
Bus driver: Does anyone know the route once we get to the airport? If you do, please step forward.
–M60 bus to LaGuardia
Overheard by: Stephen B.
Bus driver to woman running towards the stop as the bus slows down: Calm down, lady! There isn’t any crack that way! Relax!
–Atlantic Ave
Bus driver, as passengers are disembarking: Leave my kingdom. Education is just two minutes away.
–B1 bus, Kingsborough College
Overheard by: Robert
Conductor: Please step out onto the platform to enter the first five cars… [Couple tries to go through conductor’s booth.] Please step out onto the platform… [Couple keeps trying to open door.] Please step out onto the platform! [Couple tries again.] Step out onto the platform! Oh my god!
–1 train
Conductor to two girls getting off train but lingering on platform: What’s the matter, ladies, you don’t like my traaain?
–6 train stop, 51st & Lex
Conductor on stopped train: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be moving really, really, really, really, really shortly. [Long, resigned sigh] I hope.
–L train
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Bored conductor: Welcome to Times Square, crossroads of the universe.
–7 train
Male conductor: Good morning and God bless. Have a happy Valentine’s Day, especially all you ladies.
–A train
Overheard by: Rita
Conductor: Fordham, this is the Fordham stop. You may exit here, but please, no new passengers are to get on at this stop. Sir, I said no passengers may get on the train… Anyone wearing a brown jacket may not get on at this stop. Sir, you, in the brown jacket. I see you. Yes, you sir, in the brown jacket who just got on the train. Of course I’m talking to you, genius… Thank you. Grand Central, next stop.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: Carol Ann
Guido chick: Hey, you over there. Yeah you, ain’t you Dwayne?
Thug: Yeah, what’s it to ya?
Guido chick: It’s me, Gina, from the neighborhood. Whatchya doin’ all the ways out here?
Thug: Workin’, babe, workin’.
Guido chick: Workin’ on what?
Thug: It’s pickpocket season. Now’s the times I makes my money.
Guido chick: Bitch, you best not be stealin’ from my family! I’ll bust a cap in ya ass and then tell my Uncle Carmine.
Thug: Don’t worry, bitch, I only hit on the tourists.
Guido chick: Okay, babe, see ya in the neighborhood. Come tell me how it works out.
–Wintergarden Theatre
Overheard by: Annmarie
Angry woman on cell: I don’t care if you are an ordained fucking minister, you can go straight to fucking hell!
–Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Last-minute shopper
Crazy lady into microphone: Just because you don’t do drugs or have sex doesn’t mean you’re not going to hell!
–Subway station, 43rd & Broadway, Times Square
Teacher: Let’s go to hell!
–Stuyvesant High
Hobo: Is this the train to hell? It is! Oh my god, you’re all in purgatory!
–A train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Geneva
Scruffy artist type, to self: I’m not in hell, I’m in New York. I’m not in hell, I’m in New York…
–Elevator, Bellevue Hospital
Overheard by: David
Hipster #1: I think he escaped from the hospital.
Hipster #2: Yeah, he was wearing hospital garbs, and he looked like he’d peed on himself.
Hipster #2: Where-to now?
Hipster #1: Wherev.
–Deli, 6th & 2nd
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
10-year-old boy tourist: When are we going to eat?!
Teen brother: Shut up!
10-year-old boy tourist: I don’t have to shut up! I’m in New York!
–57th & 6th
Overheard by: Rick
