Poop

Wednesday One-Liners Void Where Prohibited

Disgruntled suit on cell: I know how to pee! — Venti decaf frappucino — I’ve been doing it since I was born!

–Starbucks, Spring & Crosby

Overheard by: Mistress Silver

Girl to friend: … And then he just started peeing in front of all of us. Everyone else ran away except for me!

–St. Mark’s & 2nd

Overheard by: that’s the whole point of galoshes, right?

Whiny guy: I don’t mind getting into a pissing contest so long as I’ve got my stick!

–Boulevard Tavern, Greepoint

Chick meeting friends: Guys, don’t tell Jim this, but I just peed in between two subway cars on a moving train on the way here.

–Regal cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Amazed that this is physically possible

Guy to buddy: I probably got the cleanest fucking urine in that whole building!

–Rector St & Trinity Pl

Overheard by: Benjie

Screaming man on cell: How many times do I have to tell you?! Do not piss on the street! Do not shit on the street! Do you hear me?!

–7th Ave, between 28th & 29th

Dude, at Least Blame It on a Big Stinky Monster.

Lady, seeing long line for toilet: What a long line! Is there anyone in the men's room? I'll use it, why not? It's the same! (Knocks on door, gets no answer. Opens door)
Lady: Woooooo! The smell!
(stands there for 30 seconds with grimace, complaining)
Poor little boy, coming out of bathroom, in shaky voice: There's… There's no one else in there.

–School, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Wallflower

You Should Be Grateful the Driver Speaks English

Driver: I fuckin' hate that building. Ugliest fuckin' building I ever seen. It looks like a bong or a toilet or somethin'. I'd shit on that building.
Passenger, under his breath: Jesus Christ, man, just drive the car.

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: AdHoculi

More Men Should Write Etiquette Books

Little boy in bathroom: Oooh… Dad, I love you.
Dad outside stall: I love you, too, buddy, but you don’t have to tell me that when you are on the crapper.

–Bathroom, Penn Station

She Has to Talk about Four Other Gross Things and Still Meet Deadline

Mom: Do you need to poop?
Little girl: I don’t wanna poop!
Mom: You’ll get a treat if you poop.
Little girl: But I don’t wanna.
Mom: You either do it or you don’t. I don’t have all day to talk about poop.

–JFK bathroom stall

Overheard by: plo

That Was Alsome

Guy: Remember when your shit was all yellow and shit? Remember that? What happened then?
Girl: I DON’T CARE!

–Broadway & Grand

Wednesday One-Liners Expand Their Fecabulary

Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."

–Central Park

Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!

–Duane Reade, Flushing

Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit… She wanted my shit!

–6 Train

Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!

–84th St & Amsterdam

No Shit

Emo: Do you do anal?
JAP fox: Uh, no, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't do it, just hasn't come up yet.
Emo to another girl: Do you do anal?
Another girl: Bitch! I can't even take a shit.

–Special Boutique, 2nd & Bedford

Overheard by: Este

Taco Bell Might Sue

Girl #1: I don’t normally carry a bag of vomit with me as a weapon.
Girl #2: We should market that.

–54th & 7th

So You Want to Make the Little Nuggets?

Mom: You poor hungry boy… I’ll make dinner for you as soon as we get home.
Six-year-old son, sullenly: Okay.
Mom: Do you want macaroni and cheese? How about pasta? I can make you those little nuggets. [Son shakes his head.] Oh, is it the other kind of hunger? Do you have to poop? [Son nods.]

–Elevator, Washington Heights

Overheard by: Morgan

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