Questions

A Gentleman Never Spells and Tells

Big, sleazy blonde: Are you fucking kidding me! You’ve never had sex?
Mormon guy: No, I promised myself I would save that for marriage.
Big, sleazy blonde: Oh my fucking goodness. What is this, an audition for the 40-year-old virgin movie?
Mormon guy: Haha, well, I’m not 40 yet.
Big, sleazy blonde: So, what do all you Mormons do when you date?
Mormon guy: Oh, you know — hold hands, talk, long walks on the beach, Scrabble…
Big, sleazy blonde: So, for you Mormons Scrabble is like sex, then?

–Metro North

Overheard by: trying my best not to laugh

Well, What Have You Got That’s Motorboatable?

Chick: Oh my god, Ali. You totally motorboated me at the bar last night!
Ali: And then you showed your tits to everyone, you whore.
Chick: Yeah, but I got a free shot.
Ali: And I do enjoy seeing your tits…
Ali’s boyfriend: Is it weird that you like her tits more than me?

–Metro North out of Fordham

Really, What Else Is There to Be Sad About?

Hipster girl #1: Can you be emo with a big dick?
Hipster girl #2: No, I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure it has to be small for you to be emo.
Hipster girl #1: Sir! Excuse me, sir! Can I ask you a question? Can you be emo with a big dick or a small dick?
Passerby: Probably small.
Hipster girl #2: See?! I told you.

–Prince & Mercer

Overheard by: I guess I can’t be emo

Because Sharper Image Has a Really Cool Hands-Free Device for That

Suit #1: What hour do you get into the office?
Suit #2: I arrive around seven and leave at six-thirty.
Suit #1: So, you work twelve-hour days? Do you ever sit at your desk and just fondle your balls?

–Italian restaurant, UES

Wednesday One-Liners for Dennis Franz

Cop to old lady with walker: Excuse me, miss, do you have a license and insurance for that thing?

–57th St

Overheard by: jesse

Black teen to fellow commuter: So, I get off the train and I find this cop. He says to me, ‘Do I know you?’ ‘No, man.’ Then he asks, ‘Haven’t I arrested you before?’ And I say, ‘Nigga, please! No!’

–E train near W 4th St

Mounted police officer holding a pay phone and sobbing: Please, Mom, I’ll do anything!

–8th & 5th

Overheard by: jewish girl

Professor, about police sirens blaring outside: They’re playing our song.

–Columbia University

Large black lady hissing about a police dog sniffing and following black guy: That dog be racial profilin’! He’s a racist! That cop dog’s a racist!

–Subway station, Times Square

Chick to cop writing ticket, standing next to the naked cowboy: Can you give him a ticket for having a bubble butt?

–Times Square

Overheard by: knipc

She Puts the “Pat” in Patent Law Class

Girl #1: Uh… This is the women’s restroom, right?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: This is the women’s restroom, right?
Girl #2: Yeah. Why?
Girl #1: There was just a guy in here!
Girl #3: No… that’s a woman.
Girl #1: Oh.
Girl #3: Yeah, she’s in my class.

–NYU

Headline by: Brady

Runners-Up:

· “Does She Always Stand While She Pees?” – Hobo Whisperer

· “Hermaphrodites 101” – Sami

· “Janet Reno: The College Years” – International Man of Leisure

· “Just because I’m washing my hands, doesn’t mean I can’t hear you.” – aaron Stephenson


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

He Had a Nice Supper First, Though

Blonde: Can you say ‘Happy Passover’ to someone?
Brunette: Passover is a happy holiday, I think. ‘Cause it’s about food and stuff.
Blonde: Okay. I wasn’t sure. ‘Cause, you know, Jesus died, so I dunno how that works. That’s not too happy…

–Olympic Diner, 8th Ave

And Then They Go Home with You

Eager, straight-ish hipster dude to posse: We could ask gay guys which one of us they think is cuter…
Cute hipster friend: No, I always win that game.

–Pyramid, Ave A, between 6th & 7th St

Overheard by: Dan

They’re All Gay at Mardi Gras

Suit: Sometimes I want to ask Dan* if he’s gay. I can’t figure out if he is or not.
Woman: Is he flamboyant?
Suit: Yeah, but that could be because he’s a southerner.

–550 Madison Ave

Overheard by: DrDorn

Meet the Inventor of the Belinda Displeasure Scale

Little girl: If the teacher said if something was really, really good, would that make you really happy?
Mother: Yes.
Little girl: If the teacher said if something was good, would that make you happy?
Mother: Yes.
Little girl: If the teacher said something was sorta good, would that make you so-so?
Mother: Yes.
Little girl: If the teacher said something was bad, would that make you mad?
Mother: Yes.
Little girl: If the teacher said something was really bad, would that make you really mad?
Mother: It would make me sick!

–97th & 3rd

Overheard by: squid

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