Wednesday One-Liners Join the UFC

Professor: If any of you are sad about Anna Nicole, see me after class. I’ll give you a bitch slap.

–NYU

Family man: We watched two guys fight to the death over a parking space, and then we went to the Ice Capades.

–Central Park, W 72nd

Overheard by: Rachel

Conductor: There will be no fighting on my train! Y’all gonna make me miss my lunch!

–N train

Overheard by: Shawnito

Hobo to entire platform: You’ve seen cripple fights. You’ve seen hobo boxing. Now prepare yourselves for rich white assholes pushing to get on the train. [Train pulls in.] Briefcases may be used as shields. Good luck, folks.

–4/5 platform, Union Square

Overheard by: Orson

Father holding daughter’s hand: You can’t just kick people when you don’t get what you want, Victoria.

–Mott & Canal St

Overheard by: Marie

Teacher: See that guy in the mural? See how many muscles he has? If he wanted to, he could kick your ass. Look at Galileo. Even Galileo could kick your ass!

–Brooklyn Tech High School

Overheard by: Liz

Six-year-old: If you go to my school, you get yo’ ass jumped.

–107th & Manhattan

Overheard by: Emily B.

Posted on April 11, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Fighting and ass kicking, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

The Chihuahua in the Purse Got the Worst of It

Woman furiously swinging her purse at tourist seated next to her: What?! You were sitting on my hand the entire way! You deserve this!
Tourist: Uh, thank you.

–6 train

Overheard by: naners

Posted on April 8, 2007
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, On the Subway, Tourists, Violence

Unfortunately, the Crime Scene Had Already Been Thoroughly Dusted

Young woman: You felt me up while I was asleep!
Lying man: How do you know, if you were asleep?
Young woman: You stuck your fingers in my pussy while I was asleep!
Lying man: Why would I do that? There’s nothing in there that I was looking for.
Lying man’s lawyer: Come on, don’t argue with her.
Young woman: If they find your fingerprints in my pussy you’re going to jail, motherfucker!
Lying man, taunting: What if I wore gloves?
Young woman: Hear that? He confessed!

–Hallway, Supreme Court, Bronx

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on March 24, 2007
Buildings, Crime and Punishment, Lawyers, Liars, Men, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Violence, Women

Wednesday One-Liners for Congress

Trendy Asian girl on cell: So, Max came over last night and we were in the kitchen, and he lifted me up onto the counter and was like, ‘I am gonna fuck you so hard,’ and I was like, ‘Whoa, oh my god!’ But I couldn’t go through with it. So he walked over to the fridge, opened it up, and put his head inside and started, like, banging his head against the wall. I know, can you believe that?

–LIRR

Overheard by: Emily Leatrice

Hipster: I’d feel more comfortable in a sex club than going on a date.

–Penn Station

Hot chick on cell: Yes! Yes! O-M-G! We are sooo going to have a sex-a-thon! Get the girls together, my place, tonight! [To gawking passengers] Sex and the City -athon. Fucking perverts. W-T-F.

–N train

Overheard by: not invited

Teacher: Every time you put a penis into a vagina you’re risking sex.

–Health Class, LaGuardia HS

Overheard by: mf

Girl: I heard two people having really loud sex on my floor last night. It was either gay guys or Asians, I couldn’t tell.

–Cafeteria, Manhattan School of Music

Overheard by: Christiana Little

Fat suit: He made me watch while he fucked some girl, so I’m gonna make him watch while I fuck some guy!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Glad I wasn’t the other guy…

20-ish chick: What? I fornicate all the time, and I’ve never been arrested!

–Subway station

Overheard by: subwayrider

Posted on March 21, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Dating, Education, Gays and Lesbians, Kink, Race, Sex, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

You Can Come to the Front If I Can Pick the Kids

Ragged old black guy with wad of cash in hand, teasing: You gonna let me cut the line, right?
Clerk: Please get on the end of the line.
Ragged old black guy: I’ma buy me that 250-dollar Blue Label up there. You gonna let me get on the front of this line, right?
Clerk: [Ignores him.]Ragged old black guy: 250 dollars for Blue Label for me to get drunk and run over some kids!

–Liquor store, 23rd & Park

Overheard by: Baby G

Posted on March 16, 2007
Assholes, Black People, Drinking & Drunk People, Money & Class, Old People, Shopping, Store, Talking/Convos, Vendors & Street Performers, Violence

No, Mom! Not the Face!

Customer: They don’t have stars today like we had. This Britney Spears…
Owner: She’s a pig.
Customer: She’s a pig.
Owner: She’s a pig.
Customer: She’s a pig! You know what’s wrong with her? Her mother shoulda smacked her in the mouth more often.

–Pet store, 25th & 3rd, Sunset Park

Overheard by: Pippa

Posted on March 8, 2007
About Celebrities, Customers, Family Ties, Insults, Store, Violence

He Has a Name, Though

White guy: A queer Sikh holding a cigarette like a woman and talking about grenades. Now I’ve seen everything. [Pause.] How was the mocha?
Asian friend: It was delicious, thank you.

–Q46 stop, Union Tpke & Utopia Pkwy

Overheard by: Peter G