Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Hey, Wednesday One-Liners, What Exit You From?

Mom to three-year-old: Actually, there are two other airports in New York. One is called ‘JFK,’ and the other is called ‘New Jersey.’

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fudd

Drunk girl: Well, somebody’s walking back to Jersey tonight!

–Times Square

Man on cell: Well, you’re really going to have to gather whatever inner strength you’ve got, look inside yourself, stay strong… Be prepared to live without me around… Huh? New Jersey! What did you think I meant?

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson

Guy on cell: She’s moving to Israel? Really? I guess people really will do anything to get out of New Jersey.

–Park Slope

Woman on cell: No, you see, this guy was a Jersey guy. He might have made it big on Wall Street, but he’s a Jersey guy. That was a mistake.

–Battery Park

Wet and Ready Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: What’s so funny? Vagina? I’m not scared to say ‘vagina,’ watch: Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina!

–Grand Army Plaza

Columbia student: Do strippers use their vaginas?

–Massawa Ethiopian, 120th & Amsterdam

Girl wearing jerz shirt: Guys, if I zipped my pussy, of course I would tell you.

–27th St

Middle school boy to another: Do you know what a ‘cunt’ is? It’s a pussy. [Pause] You should know that, it’s Jamaican.

–B69 bus

Overheard by: Bilingual

Guy standing in pile of luggage outside women’s restroom: Man, I’m glad my vagina’s not with me today.

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: A Vagina

Wednesday One-Liners are Feeling Flush

Voice from stall: God, will you give me a sign?

–Restroom, United Nations

Overheard by: Nicolas

Girl in stall: Ugh! The toilet paper is totally not loving me!

–Restroom, Starbucks

Woman crammed in restroom stall with two girls: Okay, hold on… Alright, now. So, tell me what’s up! How do you girls like school?

–Mustang Harry’s, 34th St

Overheard by: Rachel Jordan

Man at urinal: Ow! …That’s not good.

–Restroom, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: RG

African dude settling into urinal stance: Lookie-here, what’ve we got here? Lookie-here at what we have!

–Restroom, Washington Square Park

Overheard by: off white

Voice from Port-a-Potty: Oh baby, oh baby. Yes!

–Gramercy Park

Suck on Our Chocolate, Salty Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl to cat: You’re not at all like Steven; you don’t even have no balls!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Annichen Fors

Hipster: Yeah, so he used his balls as a can-opener.

–Thompson St

Overheard by: Holly Golightly

Loud guy on cell: I’m sick of that motherfucker! I’m gonna buy him a tea and piss in it. He’s a moron. Meet me now, and you can watch me do it. I’m sick of that motherfucker! I’m gonna buy him a bagel with cream cheese and drag my sweaty balls all over it. He’s always bitchin’, ‘I’m hungry! Got anything to eat?’ Motherfucker! Eat this, motherfucker!

–AirTrain, JFK

Overheard by: Mike L.

Man on stoop: I think her balls are really sensitive.

–Christopher & 7th

Man: You can put your balls on my head anytime!

–48th St

Overheard by: Heather

Wednesday One-Liners Have Sore Cheeks

Blonde chick on cell: Did you hear? She joined the Army! Isn’t that cute?

–Ave A & 9th St

Overheard by: Hannah

Mommy wannabe: You are so cute it’s retarded! It’s retarded how cute you are! Seriously!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: A White Bear

Tourist guy: Oh, that’s cute. All the benches are donated.

–Central Park

Overheard by: sarah

Guy: She’s just your standard-issue cute girl. There are a million of ’em in the city. There are probably a hundred just on this train!

–6 train

Thug on cell: Did they go up her butt? Then they ain’t cute. Only if they on you…

–Broadway & 12th

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Blonde teen: You are sooo cute when you’re drunk!

–Bridle Path, Central Park

Overheard by: if walls had ears

Pundit: The word ‘cute’ doesn’t do the men in here justice… Ha, ha. I made a funny!

–Queens County Civil Courthouse

Better-Off Wednesday One-Liners

Irate quasi-thug on cell: Do you value your life? Do you want to die? No, I ain’t threatenin’ you. You can’t play with a man’s emotions like that. No. Do you want to die? I’m just asking… Do you want to die? I– [second party hangs up].

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Mikey G

Crazy crackhead: I am not your average crackhead — I will kill you!

–Lenox & 118th

Lady: And the rest are buried in the… front lawn.

–Columbus Park

Overheard by: Bitch that shit ain’t right!

Puerto Rican guy: I don’t have to! The only thing I have to do is be Puerto Rican and die, because you know I don’t pay taxes!

–R train

Irish construction worker: I’m telling you, she had a clit like a dead turkey’s neck.

–LIRR to Huntington

Overheard by: Laffer

Checkout lady: If anyone tries to get in line behind you, kill ’em.

–Costco, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Nerd to another: It’s better to just fake your own death and live your life on an island somewhere.

–Broadway & Duane

Overheard by: Ronzoni

The Weird Science of Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: It weirds me out when deaf people can talk.

–Bryant Park

Chick: There’s a house, and he grew up in that house, and now he lives in that house. How weird. How local.

–N train, Queens

Overheard by: Morgan

Guy: I want a giant tattoo of Weird Al and Thomas Dolby shaking hands.

–Bar, Lower East Side

Hipster on cell: Is wanting a bed-and-breakfast, a weed garden, and a forest full of Thai tranny fawns so fucking weird?

–Houston and Elizabeth

Girl: So we were at her house the other day smoking pot, and I was like, ‘This pot tastes weird.’ And I asked John if it tasted weird and he said, ‘Yeah, it does.’ So I asked her if she had been using her crack pipe to smoke pot out of again and she said, ‘Oops.’

–20th St & 8th Ave

Bright-purple-mohawk guy to shaved-head girl with multiple nose piercings: Your best friend is so weird!

–12th St & University Pl

Overheard by: Joe

Suit on cell: Yeah, it’s kind of weird dating my sister.

–33rd & 7th

Wednesday One-Liners Hate Everybody Equally

Girl on cell: I’m in this ethnography class. And I thought it would be, like, really easy, but there’s all this vocab — they use language in this different way that I’m not used to. So I said something, and this girl repeated it and made me look really bad. Well, we were talking about race, you know? And I just said that every race has their specialties, right? But now everyone in the class thinks I’m racist… Who knows?!

–Washington Square

Gilchrist, founder of the Minutemen, moments before students stormed the stage: What did you say? I don’t speak Mexican.

–Columbia University

Bouncer talking to people in front of Webster Hall: First, I have been nothing but a gentleman in talking to you. Your racial bullshit is not needed here. Second, I am a spic, not a nigger. If you’re gonna insult me, get it right.

–11th St between 3rd & 4th Ave

Overheard by: AJ

Black crackhead: Spare some change, Miss? I’ve been asking the niggers, but they don’t give me shit.

–Broadway & 11th St

Overheard by: Miss I Am Not a Nigger

Model wannabe: You should forget about him, he’s just a racist spic.

–Steinway & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Crash

Black girl: That was the most racist, sexist movie I have ever seen, and I loved it!

–Kaufman Theaters, Astoria

Overheard by: A White Guy

Wednesday One-Liners Are Footloose

Guy: I don’t think people are ready to do the Charleston, yet. Because it’s so spiritual, you know?

–Grand & Mulberry

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Guy with fliers: Ladies, come on in and meet your future husbands. They’ll be the ones dancing on the poles.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Too young to marry strippers

Guy: What? Bar None? Bar None is just a whorehouse with a dance floor.

–12th and 3rd Ave

Black dude: Damn, girl, you so fine you’d make an African in a canoe with a spear wanna jump up and dance!

–2nd Ave & 11th

Overheard by: gneumatic

Poorly-dancing Asian guy: I feel really Latino when I’m dancing to Spanish music.

–Gonzalez y Gonzalez, Broadway

Overheard by: javster

Dorky college freshman: Dude, I totally blacked-out last night… Last thing I remember I was dancing with her mom.

–1 train, Times Square station

Overheard by: Gnomar the gnome

Post-Literate Wednesday One-Liners

Bum to man stumbling while reading Hamlet: Yeah, that’s right, Hamlet. That’s what you get for killing Polonius that way, you son of a bitch.

–W 43rd

Overheard by: Richard Harrington

Pious woman: And when he said to take out our Bibles, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know it was BYOB!

–18th & 10th

Overheard by: Owen

Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m at terminal four. Did you bring a dictionary? No? Oh, shit!

–Air Shuttle, JFK

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Guy: I totally want to spoon with Amy Guth, but like, her novel is so fucking weird she’d probably have to kill me first.

–Subway platform, Columbus Circle, 59th St

Overheard by: Karen Birchman

Fat lady: No, no, I was full when I got to the library, and then — I was empty.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Old hippie on phone: Don’t worry about how much time you have — I read this book on string theory that says time is just a human construct and means nothing at all. [Pause] No, I won’t be able to make it there on time.

–Pizza Place, Waverly & Mercer

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

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