Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Know Best

Woman on cell: My father is, like, my retarded child.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Rick

Chick on cell: My father’s sister moved there. Then my aunt went.

–29th & Park

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Drunk guy: Ew! Mom and Dad have foot sex? I don’t even want to think about it!

–Far Rockaway train

Overheard by: Liz

Little tourist girl: A lot of people are wearing black today, Daddy.

–46th & Broadway

Overheard by: Scarfish

Woman to another: Every time I get pregnant, I always worry, ‘Who mah baby daddy?’

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Guy to friends: So, you didn’t fondle her dad’s belly?

–Columbus Circle

Student on cell: Hi, Dad! How are you? [Long pause] This is your son.

–NYU Law

The Original Ray’s Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: We can eat pizza and watch people’s faces get cut off!

–Nassau & Humboldt, Greenpoint

Drunk guy: Come eat this pizza! It’s the best fucking pizza in the city. Best fucking pizza in the city. I fucking guarantee it. Fucking best pizza. Good choice, ma’am. This is the best fucking pizza in the city. [Passerby goes in, exits 10 minutes later.] God, I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life.

–Bleecker & Sullivan

Overheard by: d f

Tourist: Oh, Ray’s Pizzeria – I’ve seen that pizzeria before! I think I’ve been here before!

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Guy: Oh my god, I totally need a hammock made of pizza.

–ACE station, 42nd St

Overheard by: Janet

Wednesday One-Liners Shop at Williams-Sonoma

Girl: So I was sitting in my stew pot…

–60th & Lex

Overheard by: eliz

50-ish lady to teen daughter: I’m so confused about bowls.

–Housewares aisle, Target, Brooklyn

Overheard by: BrooklynQ

Girl with leaky coffee cup: Man, she gave me the bootleg cup! How come she gave me the bootleg cup? Man, I got the bootleg cup.

–Outside coffee shop, Times Square

Old guy: Hey, good to see you! Do you got a sharp knife?

–90th & Broadway

Mom: Spatula! Spatula! I have two words for you, spatula: Be-have!

–C train

Overheard by: Liz

Middle-aged guy to another on park bench: Man, I could sure use a nice bowl of genital soup.

–Central Park

Wednesday One-Liners Still Celebrate Columbus Day

Jersey lady pointing at a French bulldog: Look at this face! He’s adorable! He looks Italian!

–26th & 7th

Overheard by: sara n.

College chick: You were born in Italy? That’s awesome… Speak some Italy for me. Wait, that’s what you speak, right?

–Classroom

Drunk yelling at a pizza shop: Who the fuck are you? You’re fucking Mexican! You’re not Italian! I’m Italian!! I make the fucking pizzas in this town!

–Bedford and N 7th St

Overheard by: Actually I’m from Equador

Guy: I feel like I’m at a dry-cleaning convention that is being shaken down by the mob.

–Korean-Italian wedding

Overheard by: Retarded Quarterback

Old lady with a cane: My father is Jewish and my mother is Italian, and I am in therapy.

–Lower Manhattan

Wednesday One-Liners Are with the Band

Man: I am the piano of humans.

–32nd & Lex

Overheard by: Em

Boss: You don’t want to ruin your crack-high with that harmonica racket.

–1 Madison Ave

Overheard by: KDOTU

Four-year-old holding maracas: These shakers give me speed!

–VFW Hall, Long Island

Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief

Hipster: None of them could play their instruments or sing, and they all kept spitting on each other, but there was free beer so I was there.

–Metropolitan and Union, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Jesse

Six-year-old girl is blowing hard on a clarinet-type toy.

Mom: If you start feeling dizzy, you tell Mommy, okay?

–East Village

Overheard by: jho

Woman eating lunch: …Then they threw my father out of the Communist Party again. This time it was for refusing to play his accordion at parties.

–1300 York Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Rated ‘V’ for Violent

Boy: Yeah, I mean, the only way that I’d be pissed is if you stabbed me…

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Dude: He threw a bagel at me — knocked me the fuck out!

–15th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Michael Pantozzi

Guidance counselor mediating a conflict between a flock of tween girls: Okay, Yamira* can still go on the field trip, because she told the truth about punching Janalin* in the face.

–PS 8, Washington Heights

Little boy: Smack that, lalalala! [Smacks brother in stroller.] Smack that, lalalala! [Smacks brother again.] Smack that! Lalalala!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: amused sales associate

Guy on cell: Yeah, after that hug I wanted to punch her.

–Walgreens, Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Go over Their Minutes

Young thug: Don’t be talkin’ ’bout Sigmund Freud. That’s my dawg.

–W 85th & Broadway

Chick: I don’t like smooth talk. I’m too slow for it.

–2nd St & Ave B

Overheard by: apples

Business chick: We keep talking about nymphomania, but I can’t remember what we decided.

–Rite-Aid, 125th & 5th

Guido on cell: Fucking the shit out of you, lying in bed after, and talking about state capitals! Is that all I fucking am to you? That’s the fucking highlight of my life.

–3rd Ave & 85th St, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: punkee

NYU chick: My mom’s calling me — let’s stop talking about how I think she’s a lesbian.

–Grand Central

Woman on cell: We just sat around and drank wine, watched movies, and talked about art and Armenian genocide — you know, the usual.

–Key Food, Park Slope

Overheard by: The Eel

Teacher: It’s scary when you people talk out loud. Some of the dumbest things come out of your mouths.

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: LSB

Steal This Wednesday One-Liner!

Teacher, after taking pencil from a student as part of a demonstration: Man, I just love stealing stuff from you kids!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Ghetto teen looking at chick hiding her iPod: Don’t worry, I’m not gonna steal that shit. She thinks I’m gonna steal that shit. I should just steal that shit to spite her. Shit.

–B1 bus

Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl

Nerdy kid answering cell: Hello? Hello?! Hello! What?! No! No, I didn’t steal Max’s wallet! No!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Now deaf in my right ear

Guy selling watches on street: Come on, everyone, you need a watch. The best in the city, stolen from all your favorite warehouses.

–53rd & 7th

Man to lady: You lyin’, stealin’, your feet stink, and you don’t believe in Jesus.

–Target, Atlantic Center

Guy to girlfriend: …So I had to steal from them so that I could protect them.

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

Professor: Stealing is good, okay? Plagiarism is bad, but stealing is very, very good.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Lili

Wednesday One-Liners Enforce the Penile Code

Guy: Peanut butter and dick is so delicious.

–Henry St & Clinton St

Overheard by: Jeannie

Hipster girl to friends: … And that’s why guys shouldn’t try to suck their own dicks.

–Dominie’s Hoek, Long Island

Guy: I just made an RM cry. I feel like a compliance dickhead!

–Wall St

EMS worker: … And that’s how my penis landed in the punch bowl.

–Fordham & Southern

Guy on phone: What? If my balls are on your chin, where the fuck is my cock?

–Mercer & W 3rd

Overheard by: TheBrit

Woman in an ‘Officer Nasty’ costume: That girl sure knows how to bake a penis!

–Party, 168th & Broadway

Overheard by: Peter Pecker

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Little Bit of Lube and a Whole Lotta Love

Queer: So I’m fucking this guy in the ass, and he tries to kiss me, and I’m like, ‘What the hell are you doing?’

–University Place

Hobo: And then the fucker slapped his cock in my ass!

–5th Ave & 22nd St

Overheard by: A bum rap

Queer: I expected something better and all I got was the big dick in my ass!

–Mobile station

Dude: I swear, if Bob Dylan was a chick I would totally fuck him up the ass.

–8th St & Ave C

Man on phone: Yeah, I’m talkin’ big, wet butt-orgy.

–46th St & 7th Ave

Man: Anal is such a pain in the ass, you know?

–Astor Place

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