Wednesday One-Liners

Steal This Wednesday One-Liner!

Teacher, after taking pencil from a student as part of a demonstration: Man, I just love stealing stuff from you kids!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Ghetto teen looking at chick hiding her iPod: Don’t worry, I’m not gonna steal that shit. She thinks I’m gonna steal that shit. I should just steal that shit to spite her. Shit.

–B1 bus

Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl

Nerdy kid answering cell: Hello? Hello?! Hello! What?! No! No, I didn’t steal Max’s wallet! No!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Now deaf in my right ear

Guy selling watches on street: Come on, everyone, you need a watch. The best in the city, stolen from all your favorite warehouses.

–53rd & 7th

Man to lady: You lyin’, stealin’, your feet stink, and you don’t believe in Jesus.

–Target, Atlantic Center

Guy to girlfriend: …So I had to steal from them so that I could protect them.

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

Professor: Stealing is good, okay? Plagiarism is bad, but stealing is very, very good.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Lili

Wednesday One-Liners Enforce the Penile Code

Guy: Peanut butter and dick is so delicious.

–Henry St & Clinton St

Overheard by: Jeannie

Hipster girl to friends: … And that’s why guys shouldn’t try to suck their own dicks.

–Dominie’s Hoek, Long Island

Guy: I just made an RM cry. I feel like a compliance dickhead!

–Wall St

EMS worker: … And that’s how my penis landed in the punch bowl.

–Fordham & Southern

Guy on phone: What? If my balls are on your chin, where the fuck is my cock?

–Mercer & W 3rd

Overheard by: TheBrit

Woman in an ‘Officer Nasty’ costume: That girl sure knows how to bake a penis!

–Party, 168th & Broadway

Overheard by: Peter Pecker

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Little Bit of Lube and a Whole Lotta Love

Queer: So I’m fucking this guy in the ass, and he tries to kiss me, and I’m like, ‘What the hell are you doing?’

–University Place

Hobo: And then the fucker slapped his cock in my ass!

–5th Ave & 22nd St

Overheard by: A bum rap

Queer: I expected something better and all I got was the big dick in my ass!

–Mobile station

Dude: I swear, if Bob Dylan was a chick I would totally fuck him up the ass.

–8th St & Ave C

Man on phone: Yeah, I’m talkin’ big, wet butt-orgy.

–46th St & 7th Ave

Man: Anal is such a pain in the ass, you know?

–Astor Place

Hey, Wednesday One-Liners, What Exit You From?

Mom to three-year-old: Actually, there are two other airports in New York. One is called ‘JFK,’ and the other is called ‘New Jersey.’

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fudd

Drunk girl: Well, somebody’s walking back to Jersey tonight!

–Times Square

Man on cell: Well, you’re really going to have to gather whatever inner strength you’ve got, look inside yourself, stay strong… Be prepared to live without me around… Huh? New Jersey! What did you think I meant?

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson

Guy on cell: She’s moving to Israel? Really? I guess people really will do anything to get out of New Jersey.

–Park Slope

Woman on cell: No, you see, this guy was a Jersey guy. He might have made it big on Wall Street, but he’s a Jersey guy. That was a mistake.

–Battery Park

Billable Hours of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Is it a good idea to pursue a career in law just because I love Law and Order?

–Pace University

Overheard by: Pants

Suit: You know what I should have done? Skipped law school and gone straight to the Army!

–C train, 23rd St

Paralegal: I seriously wish that I could just give up this law thing and become a lion trainer.

–Battery Park

Girl on cell: I mean, I think a law degree is really, like, fluid. You can do anything with it. Like, I don’t know… practice law?

–6th Ave & Canal St

Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram

Wet and Ready Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: What’s so funny? Vagina? I’m not scared to say ‘vagina,’ watch: Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina!

–Grand Army Plaza

Columbia student: Do strippers use their vaginas?

–Massawa Ethiopian, 120th & Amsterdam

Girl wearing jerz shirt: Guys, if I zipped my pussy, of course I would tell you.

–27th St

Middle school boy to another: Do you know what a ‘cunt’ is? It’s a pussy. [Pause] You should know that, it’s Jamaican.

–B69 bus

Overheard by: Bilingual

Guy standing in pile of luggage outside women’s restroom: Man, I’m glad my vagina’s not with me today.

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: A Vagina

Suck on Our Chocolate, Salty Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl to cat: You’re not at all like Steven; you don’t even have no balls!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Annichen Fors

Hipster: Yeah, so he used his balls as a can-opener.

–Thompson St

Overheard by: Holly Golightly

Loud guy on cell: I’m sick of that motherfucker! I’m gonna buy him a tea and piss in it. He’s a moron. Meet me now, and you can watch me do it. I’m sick of that motherfucker! I’m gonna buy him a bagel with cream cheese and drag my sweaty balls all over it. He’s always bitchin’, ‘I’m hungry! Got anything to eat?’ Motherfucker! Eat this, motherfucker!

–AirTrain, JFK

Overheard by: Mike L.

Man on stoop: I think her balls are really sensitive.

–Christopher & 7th

Man: You can put your balls on my head anytime!

–48th St

Overheard by: Heather

Wednesday One-Liners Have Sore Cheeks

Blonde chick on cell: Did you hear? She joined the Army! Isn’t that cute?

–Ave A & 9th St

Overheard by: Hannah

Mommy wannabe: You are so cute it’s retarded! It’s retarded how cute you are! Seriously!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: A White Bear

Tourist guy: Oh, that’s cute. All the benches are donated.

–Central Park

Overheard by: sarah

Guy: She’s just your standard-issue cute girl. There are a million of ’em in the city. There are probably a hundred just on this train!

–6 train

Thug on cell: Did they go up her butt? Then they ain’t cute. Only if they on you…

–Broadway & 12th

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Blonde teen: You are sooo cute when you’re drunk!

–Bridle Path, Central Park

Overheard by: if walls had ears

Pundit: The word ‘cute’ doesn’t do the men in here justice… Ha, ha. I made a funny!

–Queens County Civil Courthouse

Better-Off Wednesday One-Liners

Irate quasi-thug on cell: Do you value your life? Do you want to die? No, I ain’t threatenin’ you. You can’t play with a man’s emotions like that. No. Do you want to die? I’m just asking… Do you want to die? I– [second party hangs up].

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Mikey G

Crazy crackhead: I am not your average crackhead — I will kill you!

–Lenox & 118th

Lady: And the rest are buried in the… front lawn.

–Columbus Park

Overheard by: Bitch that shit ain’t right!

Puerto Rican guy: I don’t have to! The only thing I have to do is be Puerto Rican and die, because you know I don’t pay taxes!

–R train

Irish construction worker: I’m telling you, she had a clit like a dead turkey’s neck.

–LIRR to Huntington

Overheard by: Laffer

Checkout lady: If anyone tries to get in line behind you, kill ’em.

–Costco, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Nerd to another: It’s better to just fake your own death and live your life on an island somewhere.

–Broadway & Duane

Overheard by: Ronzoni

The Weird Science of Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: It weirds me out when deaf people can talk.

–Bryant Park

Chick: There’s a house, and he grew up in that house, and now he lives in that house. How weird. How local.

–N train, Queens

Overheard by: Morgan

Guy: I want a giant tattoo of Weird Al and Thomas Dolby shaking hands.

–Bar, Lower East Side

Hipster on cell: Is wanting a bed-and-breakfast, a weed garden, and a forest full of Thai tranny fawns so fucking weird?

–Houston and Elizabeth

Girl: So we were at her house the other day smoking pot, and I was like, ‘This pot tastes weird.’ And I asked John if it tasted weird and he said, ‘Yeah, it does.’ So I asked her if she had been using her crack pipe to smoke pot out of again and she said, ‘Oops.’

–20th St & 8th Ave

Bright-purple-mohawk guy to shaved-head girl with multiple nose piercings: Your best friend is so weird!

–12th St & University Pl

Overheard by: Joe

Suit on cell: Yeah, it’s kind of weird dating my sister.

–33rd & 7th

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