Wednesday One-Liners Find Their Niche

Ten-year-old wannabe thug: I'ma put this can of pepper spray up your ass! You want me to put this up your ass?!

–Old Navy, Harlem

Worried bearded 50-something: Yeah, but how are we going to film an anal birth!?

–F Train

Street vendor selling his wares: I will shove your foot up the devil's ass!

–St Mark's Place

Yankee stadium employee yelling to another: Hey, wouldja bend over for a minute? I'll be right back!

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: torrie

Gay teen: His hole was as big as a traffic cone!

–1st & 14th

Sinfully ugly girl: I have to stop putting things in my ass.

–forever 21 (queens center mall)

Overheard by: defragment my harddrive

Posted on March 5, 2015
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Backdoor, Boys, Coworkers, Dildos and Vibrators, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Innuendo, Insults, Kids, Men, Movies, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Queer guys, Questions, Sexuality, Store, Teens, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Weirdness, Words, Yankee Stadium

We’ll Keep Romance Alive Until Straight People Want It Again

Girl: What kind of movie do you suggest?
Gay employee: Oh, a romantic comedy.
Girl: That’s gay.
Gay employee: I know!

–Lowes on Broadway

Overheard by: B

Posted on February 22, 2015
9 to 5-ers, Advice, Customers, Default, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movie Theaters, Movies, Questions

Then They Should Have Those Metal Lap Bars, Like on Roller Coasters

Rookie commuter: I don't understand, all these people are standing at the doors, but nobody is leaving the train.
Experienced commuter: Umm, that's because were still moving. They tend to discourage that. Even if you know how to tuck and roll…

–Metro North, Grand Central Terminal

Posted on February 14, 2015
9 to 5-ers, Grand Central, Public Transportation, Weirdness

The Elves Call Her “Iron Claus”

Girl #1: What do you mean she fired you?
Girl #2: The bitch fired me.
Girl #1: You should write a story about her; she’s fucked up and now you can show her.
Girl #2: I’ve been writing a book about her since last Christmas.
Girl #1: Oh?
Girl #2: Yeah, I’m pissed I’m going to lose material filler now.

–Times Square

Posted on February 2, 2015
9 to 5-ers, Books & Writing, Friends, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Times Square

That’s Public Service for You

One postal agent to other, speaking of the UPS agent nearby: Tell him to pick up all the heavy boxes, especially for the walk-ups.

–Bleecker street

Overheard by: Disco Lama

Posted on January 23, 2015
9 to 5-ers, Assholes, Blue-collar workers, Jobs & Careers, The Village

She’s Not So Good with Things Not Discussed on “Sex and the City”

Customer: Can you tell me if there are any locations in the Washington DC or Baltimore areas?
Secretary: Um where is Baltimore?
Customer: It’s in Maryland.
Secretary: No, we don’t have any in Maryland… And DC — where is DC?
Customer: Like, Washington DC…
Secretary: It says we don’t have any in that state. There’s some close by in Arizonia and California though.
Customer: No, Washington DC — like, our nation’s capitol.
Secretary: No, I don’t think so. Sorry, I’m not so good with geography.

–Brite Smile, 57th St

Overheard by: Tracey G

Posted on January 19, 2015
9 to 5-ers, Customers, Default, History & Geography, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Store, Stupidity, Weirdness

Or When You Finally Found Your Birth Mom

Intern #1: Yeah, so they finally let me go watch bankruptcy court yesterday.
Intern #2: What was it like?
Intern #1: Everyone was black except me. It kind of felt like when I ride the subway at night.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: James

Posted on January 16, 2015
9 to 5-ers, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Grand Central, Public Transportation, Race, Students

McCarthyism Is Now Easier Than Ever

Random hipster guy: So yeah, I’ve lived here forever and I don’t know any Russians. I really want to know one.
Farm stand sales girl: Really? That’s so funny! I just met one a few days ago at some bar. I think he gave me his number.
Random hipster guy: Awesome! Would you give me his number? I really want to know a Russian. I mean, I’m not gay or anything, I just want to know him. You wanna give me his number?
Farm stand sales girl: Sure, here.

–SoHo Farmer’s Market

Overheard by: Kate

Posted on January 10, 2015
9 to 5-ers, Default, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Global Geography, Grocery Stores, Guys, Hipsters, Offers and requests, Questions, Soho, Wishes & desires

Dogs: We’d Trade Her for Timmy in a Fucking Heartbeat

Bike messenger, at a trio of small dogs barking at him: What is it boy? There was an accident at the old saw mill? Timmy’s been hurt?
JAP walking dogs, angrily: Did I say you could talk to my fucking dogs? Get the fuck away from my dogs! [to dogs] I’m sorry, sweet babies. Did the crazy poor person scare you? My poor sweet babies.

–Lincoln Square

Overheard by: adrift midwestern hipster

Posted on January 9, 2015
9 to 5-ers, Crazies, Default, JAPs, Questions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness

…Despite My Best Efforts

50-something woman: Do you have pastrami?
Deli worker: Yes.
50-something woman: Is it good?
Deli worker: Yes.
50-something woman: Okay, then. I'd like a pastrami on rye. Lots of pastrami.
Deli worker: Will that be to stay or to go?
50-something woman: Oh, it's to go home to my husband. Tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of his triple bypass surgery.

–Deli Store

Overheard by: ydnew naej

Posted on December 30, 2014
9 to 5-ers, Celebrations/Parties, Delis, Family Ties, Food, Questions, Surgery, Women

9 to 5-ers