All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Hate Everybody Equally

Girl on cell: I’m in this ethnography class. And I thought it would be, like, really easy, but there’s all this vocab — they use language in this different way that I’m not used to. So I said something, and this girl repeated it and made me look really bad. Well, we were talking about race, you know? And I just said that every race has their specialties, right? But now everyone in the class thinks I’m racist… Who knows?!

–Washington Square

Gilchrist, founder of the Minutemen, moments before students stormed the stage: What did you say? I don’t speak Mexican.

–Columbia University

Bouncer talking to people in front of Webster Hall: First, I have been nothing but a gentleman in talking to you. Your racial bullshit is not needed here. Second, I am a spic, not a nigger. If you’re gonna insult me, get it right.

–11th St between 3rd & 4th Ave

Overheard by: AJ

Black crackhead: Spare some change, Miss? I’ve been asking the niggers, but they don’t give me shit.

–Broadway & 11th St

Overheard by: Miss I Am Not a Nigger

Model wannabe: You should forget about him, he’s just a racist spic.

–Steinway & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Crash

Black girl: That was the most racist, sexist movie I have ever seen, and I loved it!

–Kaufman Theaters, Astoria

Overheard by: A White Guy

Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look

Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Francesca

White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?

–4 train

Overheard by: Gregorio

Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?

–D train, Grand Concourse

Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?

–Manhattan-bound F train

Overheard by: Josh

Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?

–Game Stop, Forest Hills

Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They’re like lions — from the sea!

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Andrew K.

Wednesday One-Liners Have a ‘Social Disease’

Ghetto woman on payphone: I got herpes, and they be killin’. Herpes. Herpes! I got herpes on my pussy! There, now the whole block knows.

–108th & Broadway

Overheard by: sapphirebluemica

Attractive 20-something businessman: Yeah, I’ve got herpes!

–65th & Lex

Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl

Guy: … Herpes … Chlamydia … Gonorrhea … Syphilis … Crabs … Oh! Sex warts!

–Bedford & 7th

Overheard by: where do i sign up

Lady to suitor: Leave me alone, I have chlamydia!

–Kevin St. James Bar

Overheard by: Maryann

Chick: What? He has a disease? [Pause] Well, I wish I knew that beforehand…

–Union Square

Skinny blonde: I’m going to sew my vagina shut, because I’m a walking STD.

–the Dojo’s near NYU

Guy: If you didn’t get AIDS when you slept with her, you’re not going to get AIDS by sharing a Band-Aid.

–14th St & 7th Ave

The Education of Wednesday One-Liners

Professor: If you put a frog in a beaker of water and gradually heat it, at about 160 degrees or so the frog will look around and say, ‘Oh, shit! I’m dead!’

–NYU

Overheard by: Emily J

Professor, as student closes window and piece of paper floats outside: At least it wasn’t a body.

–SVA

Overheard by: jaclyn

Professor spastically spilling coffee on text: I just got so excited by Emerson I ejaculated my coffee all over him.

–Literature class, Columbia University

Professor: The Native Americans used peyote as part of their religion. And if you do peyote, believe me, you’re going to have a religious experience. You’re going to think you’re flying next to God, like, ‘Hey, God! Why you going so slow?’

–Columbia University

Overheard by: leilah

Professor: Please turn off your cell phones, beepers, pagers, interactive Gatorade bottles… Thank you.

–College

Overheard by: Kaleena

Writing teacher: … And I thought to myself, ‘These people are artists. They’re not supposed to be acting like normal people. They should be acting aloof and riding some sort of bizarre bicycle that they made themselves.’

–Eugene Lang College

Professor: I’m so not used to teaching like this… It’s like a classroom.

–Eugene Lang College, the New School

Overheard by: rpk

Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything to Get This Part

Girl: Seriously, I’d give, like, 20 blowjobs to get an apartment.

–Barna, 26th & Park

Overheard by: Greg

Crazy guy: I gotta stop eating pussy. I’m losing my breath.

–F train

Girl to guy: If you don’t like oral sex, don’t open your mouth.

–68th St station

Overheard by: liza

Guy defending self to group of friends: I’ve tasted pussy!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Reina

Guy on cell: Which one? Me sucking dick or San Francisco?

–Wagner College, Staten Island

Teen girl: I need balls in my mouth.

–Disney Store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Gin

Ghetto teen: And so she was suckin’ my dick, and there was a 10 dollar bill on the table, and — get this — when she stopped suckin’, it was gone! Bitch took my money!

–Fulton Mall, Brooklyn

Overheard by: djingo

Wednesday One-Liners Run All Night

Middle-aged man at Metrocard machine to MTA booth employee: You know these things don’t work, right? I mean, you know they don’t work? [Employee ignores him] Hey, do you care?

–Grand Central

MTA lady on loudspeaker: [Stops singing loudly] What? No, the speaker’s not on. You can hear me? But it’s not on. Huh? You can hear me, too? Damn.

–Union Street Station, Park Slope

Overheard by: Just wanna wait in peace

MTA guy with microphone: Please keep your eyes open — there is a large rat running around on the platform. Please keep your eyes open — large rat — very large.

–V Station, 51st St

Overheard by: Ethan

MTA lady talking to no one visible: You one-armed nuisance! You are really getting on my nerves!

–In front of Staten Island Ferry, Staten Island

Overheard by: Jackie

Happy hour queen ascending subway steps: Did you know all these spots are gum? This entire subway station is constructed of chewing gum!

–Subway station, 14th & 7th

Overheard by: wish i had a drink too

Disgruntled man: Who needs terrorists when you have the MTA?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Alice

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Misunderestimated

Thug: Where you am?

–Penn Station

Girl: The cat keeps attacking the kitten and trying to dominate him. He’s wicked-dominal.

–Train from Boston, Penn Station

Thug girl: We is not stupid!

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: there’s no e in tracy

Teen boy: It’s like that Napoleon ice cream. You know: vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.

–53rd & 5th

Overheard by: really?

Ghetto woman on cell: Yeah, yeah — he a drug addict. I couldn’t believe it. I had no agnostic he was on drugs.

–M15 Bus

Overheard by: Thirsty Violet

Girl: I’m like, so, you know, like, bad at, like… I’m really inarticulate.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: jaded intellectual

Wednesday One-Liners Are Footloose

Guy: I don’t think people are ready to do the Charleston, yet. Because it’s so spiritual, you know?

–Grand & Mulberry

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Guy with fliers: Ladies, come on in and meet your future husbands. They’ll be the ones dancing on the poles.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Too young to marry strippers

Guy: What? Bar None? Bar None is just a whorehouse with a dance floor.

–12th and 3rd Ave

Black dude: Damn, girl, you so fine you’d make an African in a canoe with a spear wanna jump up and dance!

–2nd Ave & 11th

Overheard by: gneumatic

Poorly-dancing Asian guy: I feel really Latino when I’m dancing to Spanish music.

–Gonzalez y Gonzalez, Broadway

Overheard by: javster

Dorky college freshman: Dude, I totally blacked-out last night… Last thing I remember I was dancing with her mom.

–1 train, Times Square station

Overheard by: Gnomar the gnome

Post-Literate Wednesday One-Liners

Bum to man stumbling while reading Hamlet: Yeah, that’s right, Hamlet. That’s what you get for killing Polonius that way, you son of a bitch.

–W 43rd

Overheard by: Richard Harrington

Pious woman: And when he said to take out our Bibles, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know it was BYOB!

–18th & 10th

Overheard by: Owen

Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m at terminal four. Did you bring a dictionary? No? Oh, shit!

–Air Shuttle, JFK

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Guy: I totally want to spoon with Amy Guth, but like, her novel is so fucking weird she’d probably have to kill me first.

–Subway platform, Columbus Circle, 59th St

Overheard by: Karen Birchman

Fat lady: No, no, I was full when I got to the library, and then — I was empty.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Old hippie on phone: Don’t worry about how much time you have — I read this book on string theory that says time is just a human construct and means nothing at all. [Pause] No, I won’t be able to make it there on time.

–Pizza Place, Waverly & Mercer

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

I’m Proud to Be a Wednesday One-Liner

Homeless guy: I got a sore on my left foot! Look at it! That’s what comes from being in America!

–Beth Israel Emergency Room, 18th & 1st

Doorman: So I looked her straight in the face and I said, ‘Listen, you’re in America now.’

–Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Columbus Circle

Yasser Arafat look-alike: If she’s naked, don’t go in there; I know how these goddamn American girls are.

–Bedford St & W 4th

Overheard by: Birthday Boy

Woman in exaggerated Latin accent: Run, run, American people! Run before you miss the train!

–Uptown 6 train, Wall St station

Overheard by: gay among hardhats

Guy: It’s an old American name, like in the Bible.

–A train arriving at 59th St

Overheard by: IanM

Park Avenue woman, upset because cashier didn’t have quarters: I have every right to be nasty! I’m an American! I’m a fucking New Yorker!

–23rd & Park

Spanish hipster tourist: Americans are the worst!

–Apple store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

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