All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Run All Night

Middle-aged man at Metrocard machine to MTA booth employee: You know these things don’t work, right? I mean, you know they don’t work? [Employee ignores him] Hey, do you care?

–Grand Central

MTA lady on loudspeaker: [Stops singing loudly] What? No, the speaker’s not on. You can hear me? But it’s not on. Huh? You can hear me, too? Damn.

–Union Street Station, Park Slope

Overheard by: Just wanna wait in peace

MTA guy with microphone: Please keep your eyes open — there is a large rat running around on the platform. Please keep your eyes open — large rat — very large.

–V Station, 51st St

Overheard by: Ethan

MTA lady talking to no one visible: You one-armed nuisance! You are really getting on my nerves!

–In front of Staten Island Ferry, Staten Island

Overheard by: Jackie

Happy hour queen ascending subway steps: Did you know all these spots are gum? This entire subway station is constructed of chewing gum!

–Subway station, 14th & 7th

Overheard by: wish i had a drink too

Disgruntled man: Who needs terrorists when you have the MTA?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Alice

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Misunderestimated

Thug: Where you am?

–Penn Station

Girl: The cat keeps attacking the kitten and trying to dominate him. He’s wicked-dominal.

–Train from Boston, Penn Station

Thug girl: We is not stupid!

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: there’s no e in tracy

Teen boy: It’s like that Napoleon ice cream. You know: vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.

–53rd & 5th

Overheard by: really?

Ghetto woman on cell: Yeah, yeah — he a drug addict. I couldn’t believe it. I had no agnostic he was on drugs.

–M15 Bus

Overheard by: Thirsty Violet

Girl: I’m like, so, you know, like, bad at, like… I’m really inarticulate.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: jaded intellectual

Wednesday One-Liners Are Footloose

Guy: I don’t think people are ready to do the Charleston, yet. Because it’s so spiritual, you know?

–Grand & Mulberry

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Guy with fliers: Ladies, come on in and meet your future husbands. They’ll be the ones dancing on the poles.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Too young to marry strippers

Guy: What? Bar None? Bar None is just a whorehouse with a dance floor.

–12th and 3rd Ave

Black dude: Damn, girl, you so fine you’d make an African in a canoe with a spear wanna jump up and dance!

–2nd Ave & 11th

Overheard by: gneumatic

Poorly-dancing Asian guy: I feel really Latino when I’m dancing to Spanish music.

–Gonzalez y Gonzalez, Broadway

Overheard by: javster

Dorky college freshman: Dude, I totally blacked-out last night… Last thing I remember I was dancing with her mom.

–1 train, Times Square station

Overheard by: Gnomar the gnome

Post-Literate Wednesday One-Liners

Bum to man stumbling while reading Hamlet: Yeah, that’s right, Hamlet. That’s what you get for killing Polonius that way, you son of a bitch.

–W 43rd

Overheard by: Richard Harrington

Pious woman: And when he said to take out our Bibles, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know it was BYOB!

–18th & 10th

Overheard by: Owen

Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m at terminal four. Did you bring a dictionary? No? Oh, shit!

–Air Shuttle, JFK

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Guy: I totally want to spoon with Amy Guth, but like, her novel is so fucking weird she’d probably have to kill me first.

–Subway platform, Columbus Circle, 59th St

Overheard by: Karen Birchman

Fat lady: No, no, I was full when I got to the library, and then — I was empty.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Old hippie on phone: Don’t worry about how much time you have — I read this book on string theory that says time is just a human construct and means nothing at all. [Pause] No, I won’t be able to make it there on time.

–Pizza Place, Waverly & Mercer

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

I’m Proud to Be a Wednesday One-Liner

Homeless guy: I got a sore on my left foot! Look at it! That’s what comes from being in America!

–Beth Israel Emergency Room, 18th & 1st

Doorman: So I looked her straight in the face and I said, ‘Listen, you’re in America now.’

–Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Columbus Circle

Yasser Arafat look-alike: If she’s naked, don’t go in there; I know how these goddamn American girls are.

–Bedford St & W 4th

Overheard by: Birthday Boy

Woman in exaggerated Latin accent: Run, run, American people! Run before you miss the train!

–Uptown 6 train, Wall St station

Overheard by: gay among hardhats

Guy: It’s an old American name, like in the Bible.

–A train arriving at 59th St

Overheard by: IanM

Park Avenue woman, upset because cashier didn’t have quarters: I have every right to be nasty! I’m an American! I’m a fucking New Yorker!

–23rd & Park

Spanish hipster tourist: Americans are the worst!

–Apple store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Wednesday One-Liners Have ‘Roid Rage

Teen guy: My math teacher says that I should learn this stuff since it’s going to be useful, but I told her, ‘When I go to college, I’m majoring in Lacrosse.’ The coach can hire a tutor for anything else they want me to do.

–Amtrak train, Penn Station

Overheard by: Lacrosse-titute

Conductor: Fourth avenue. Transfer here to the R train on the lower level. The time is 6:36. The score is five-four, Mets. Thank you for riding MTA New York City Transit.

–F stop, 4th Ave

Overheard by: mili

Conductor: And don’t forget, you heard it here first: Yankees, five, Detroit, two. Mets… more than the other team. Anyone knows who the other team is, that’s good. Mets gonna have more runs than the other team. Next stop, 34th street.

–Downtown A train

Overheard by: Pebbles

Woman on cell: Well, I’m sorry if my commitment to the Mets is not all you had hoped it would be!

–2nd Ave & 82nd St

Overheard by: aislinn

Yankees fan: So they found Lidle’s passport… Did they find his pitching arm?

–53rd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: tragedy + 2 minutes = comedy

Guy: This goddamn fucking son of a bitch! Darryl Strawberry just stole a thousand dollars from me!

–Office, 30th St

Overheard by: Bagel

B&T girl: I hate sports. I mean, I don’t even know what’s going on down there.

–On line for Slate

Overheard by: acep

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Jizzt

Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?

–Chinatown bus

Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: renata

Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn’t cover is the sperm!

–20th & 5th

Overheard by: I want to get on her plan

Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.

–1 train

Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.

–5th Ave

NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?

–Waverly & Broadway

Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Wednesday One-Liners in Babeland

Woman on cell: Putting something inside you that vibrates is sort of like being at a construction site. I’m still getting used to my vibrator, too…

–Herald Square

Overheard by: GG

Geeky chick on cell: Sheesh, you’re just wearing her gloves, not reusing one of her condoms!

–4 train

Man on cell, paddle-boating with girlfriend: Hey, man! Yeah, I’m with my whip on the lake — she’s paddling me around!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Beauty on cell: Fuck you! What about the Astroglide? Fuck you! What about the rubbers? Fuck you, you asshole! Fuck you! Fuck you!

–W 4th St

Overheard by: cato

30-something lady on cell: I have told you: I am absolutely not going to wear that outfit when I have sex with you. I mean it!

–8th and 36th

Suit on cell: So they gave me this amazing cream for my burn that made my skin amazingly soft — you know, like Astroglide.

–80 Central Park West & 68th St

Overheard by: Ray Zinbran

Teacher: We need our high-power sexual devices!

–Brooklyn Tech

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Make Change

Greyhound driver, on rest stop time limits: I’m not supposed to lose people along the way… but I do.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Lost

Bus driver: I’m movin’, I’m movin’! Jesus, all these people are in a hurry to go nowhere. They’re just going to go home and watch TV! That’s all New Yorkers do, is go home and watch TV!

–Gray Line downtown loop bus

Overheard by: keri

Bus driver: If your child is over 36 inches tall, you must pay full fare for him. If you are more than 30 years old, live with your parents, and don’t pay rent, you must pay for everyone else on the bus. Next stop: Brooklyn Hospital.

–B38 bus

Overheard by: Nathan

Bus driver: If it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have no luck at all.

–M31 bus

Overheard by: Suze V.

Commuter bus driver: Attention riders: we are now arriving at Port Authority. To the students who ride this bus, you must show your ID. If you do not want to, that is no problem — find another way into New York City. Everyone, please gather your belongings, and have a nice day.

–Port Authority

Bus driver: This is the bus to Long Island Jewish Hospital. That will be the last stop. We aren’t there yet. For those of you who are going there, sit back and relax and I’ll alert you when we’ve reached the pearly gates of Long Island Jewish.

–Q46 bus

Overheard by: SuziQ

Bus driver: Good morning, everyone. Today’s my first day… my first day, y’all! And guess what happens in eleven years? I will retire. That’s right: retire. There’s all the big guys meeting at the UN this morning, so traffic’s crazy. Please, folks, be nice to me. I’m just drivin’ my bus. Is anyone late for work? Well, I sure am twenty minutes late with my bus. Ah, one person late. Come on up here and I’ll get you a cab… I said get you a cab, not pay for one!

–M4 bus

Wednesday One-Liners Miscegenate Whenever Possible

Deranged woman to tranny friend: I am not a white woman. I do not take the yolk out of my eggs!

–14th St

Overheard by: Melanie from Queens

Homeless woman to white man holding white girlfriend’s hand: You fucking Indian faggot!

–Court St & Dean St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Adam

White girl: He’s my favorite person in my building, because he’s ethnic.

–F train

Overheard by: djingo

Man staring at ‘Exit’ and ‘Salida’ signs on separate emergency doors: Huh, I wonder if Caucasians are supposed to exit right and Hispanics are supposed to exit left…

–Flight from NYC to Houston

Guy: I love it when Asians get high, because you can’t tell.

–Pace University

Overheard by: Pants

40-something Asian lady to daughter: No, it was not mixed race — He was pure Vulcan!

–Green St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Heather Letzkus

Pretentious young woman on New York neighborhoods: It’s all pretty homogenous up around Central Park. Well, I mean, up by 107th street you’ll find some black kids on skateboards.

–R train

Overheard by: BrooklynDodgy

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