Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.

–Fashion District

Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.

–78th St & 37th Ave

Overheard by: Jillian

Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!

–2 train

Overheard by: Macaire

Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: Jay

Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!

–2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: wishing i did soaps

Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.

–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium

Overheard by: did he get a receipt?

Posted on January 31, 2007
Actors, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, BJs, Black People, Eating Out, Homeless, Manhattan, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, People, Places, Pop Culture, School, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Suits, Topics, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Dude, You Suck at the Dozens

Black employee: Yo, why you gotta be hatin’ on my family like that?
White kid: Because you’re black.
Black employee: … Your mama’s black!

–Gristedes, 20th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Caroline

Posted on January 25, 2007
Black People, Kids, Race, White People

Wednesday One-Liners Couldn’t Get into Stuyvesant

Hobo: You go to USC? I used to go there, man. Of course, I didn’t graduate… Don’t major in Chemistry. Also, don’t smoke crack.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: not planning on it

Conductor: If you do not fit through the physics of the train, please step aside — this train is not made of spandex.

–F train

Overheard by: BellaFrancine

Bimbette: I could change the world if I just opened my Biology book.

–Dorm room, Columbia campus

Overheard by: college girl

Elegant 20-ish black chick on cell: Do you truly expect me to come out to New Jersey so I can drink Rolling Rock? And listen to Matchbox 20? With a bunch of white bitches? Who majored in Psychology? … How many things are wrong with that?

–Salvation Army store, Waverly Place

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo

Posted on January 24, 2007
Advice, Bimbettes, Black People, Conductors, Hobos

Wednesday One-Liners Have Relations with Relations

Black dude on cell: No! No one outside of the family sleeps with my Grandma!

–Parking lot

Man to dogs sniffing each other: Stop! Do not molest your sister in public!

–57th St & 7th Ave

Girl: I’d love to date you, but first we need to get a blood test to make sure we’re not second cousins.

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: tj

Mid-40s guy: So, it was like me on my grandparents’ bed with my mom…

–Penn Station

Hipster on cell: Thanksgiving ended, and we still don’t know. Is Leland having sex with his father’s girlfriend?

–Outside UCB Theatre

Posted on January 24, 2007
Black People, Family Ties, Hipsters, On Cell

Farmer: And I Still Would If I Thought I Could Get Away with It

Black guy: Yo, you know what ‘FUBU’ stand for?
Black girl: Yeah, ‘For Us, by Us.’
Black guy: Naw, it stand for ‘Farmers Used to Beat Us.’
Black girl: It does not! It’s ‘For Us, by Us’!
Black guy: That’s what they want you to think. Everybody knows it’s ‘Farmers Used to Beat Us.’
Black girl: There ain’t no ‘T’ in ‘FUBU’!
Black guy: That don’t matter.
Black girl: You ign’ant, nigga!

–Midtown

Overheard by: Greg Reeves

Posted on January 22, 2007
Black People, Fashion, Fighting and ass kicking, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, Race, Stupidity, Words

No, Ask for More! It’s Free Range!

Enormous black woman clutching frantic feral cat: Who’ll gimme a dollar fo’ this kitten? I know one of ya’lls got a dollar fo’ this kitten. You?! You?!
Confused passerby: Didn’t you get that from the vacant lot behind you?
Enormous black woman clutching frantic feral cat: Shut up, fool! Okay… Fitty cent, then!

–West 153rd St

Overheard by: goofopet

Posted on January 20, 2007
Black People, Fat People, Gay Man's Best Friend, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Men, Money & Class, Panhandling, Questions, Strangers

The 200 Word Working Vocabulary Runs into Some Trouble

Black chick on cell: What? You don’t want a picture of me? Huh? I said, ‘You don’t want a picture of me?’ I’ll send you one of me and my baby. Huh? My baby’s one now. Huh? Man, I been tellin’ you I had a baby. What? You my big baby, that’s my baby baby.

–Coney Island

Posted on January 16, 2007
Babies, Black People, Coney Island, On Cell

Odds Are That Petra Will Deny Him Twice More before Morning

Black guy: I’m Jesus!
Woman: No, you’re not.
Black guy: Lady, I’m Jesus!

–A train

Overheard by: LSB

Posted on January 13, 2007
Black People, Christians, Crazies, Jesus, On the Subway, Talking/Convos, Thugs, Women

Help Me, Sidney Poitier! You’re My Only Hope!

White chick: They’ll believe you raped me when I was drunk!
Black guy: Baby, don’t play that game with me.
White chick: Why not? I can — you’re black!
Black guy: Aw, shit!

–29th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Scott

Posted on January 11, 2007
Biotechs, Black People, Race

Wednesday One-Liners Think Their Virginity Has Come Back

Guy on cell: I finally figured out why I have no sons — no woman will sleep with me.

–Penn Station

Computer geek: I was leveling up my Wizard… Man, I’m never going to have sex.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Irbs

Loud NYU chick on cell: So, there was this guy there that kept announcing he needed to get laid… Yeah, I know. And I’m thinking, ‘Dude, you don’t let the world know you need to get laid, you just get laid,’ you know what I mean? I mean, I need to get laid, too, but I’m not letting the world know that!

–Au Bon Pain, E 8th St

Black lady on cell: … So the doctor says, ‘Tell me about your sex life.’ I told him, ‘I don’t have a sex life. I hate everyone.’

–6 train

Overheard by: SilentButDeadly

Posted on January 10, 2007
Black People, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, On Cell, Sex

Black People